BPDFamily.com

So I have not had any contact with my sister since July of last year. Yesterday I receive a message out of the blue because something I liked on facebook upset her (silly me). I knew she was looking for a fight so I told her I was not mad at her and do not hold a grudge, I love her and hope one day she can find peace in her life. I also have just lost a friend and told her I was not in a mood to fight and maybe we should talk when she is not so angry. Of course she took that as 'I must try harder to get her mad'. She repeatedly sent me messages meant to hurt me and I kept repeating I do not want to fight, I am not mad and I love her. I even apologized for something I said in anger that I did not mean. I had to repeat about 3 times in messages the same thing and how this was not the time as I am grieving and would like to talk when she is not so angry. Of course to her this meant... 'now I must text her husband and see if he gets mad'. At this point I do not know what to do. My husband will not bite but Im sure that will make her move on to someone else. I just want peace in my life  :'(

Was the no contact started by you or her?

The reason I ask is if by you, I would suggest that this encounter is upsetting you so go back to not responding.

If she broke contact, and then seemed to be combative after a period of silence medium chill may work.

Either way after the first exchange turns to the dark side, I would no longer respond. I know this is difficult for some but we will not change our loved one's thought by repetition.

It was after she was mad because I would not go where she wanted me to and I said I didn't trust her. She became angry and had not spoken to since then which I was ok with, the last time we had a fight she did not speak to me for 7 years (which I was ok with) so I figured it would take her a while longer to speak to me.

I tried to put her limited access to my facebook so that she would not be angry with pictures or things that would trigger her but I guess she figured out how to see them anyway. She has a history of hacking into family email accounts and other things. What do you think I should do with her on facebook. My mom says I should keep her as a friend or it may trigger her to be even angrier.

I am really stuck as I have only responded with love and calmness with her but she only gets more angry. I think you are right and if she tries to contact me again I may have to not respond. She has contacted my husband, he did not respond. I am assuming she will try someone else and I have had to warn my kids she may try to contact them also. I do not want her back in my life but would be willing to talk a few times a year with her, I am not sure she can do that without being angry.

You cannot control your sister's mood. You can't stop her from feeling triggered or angry. You can't reason her out of her emotional state.

It's entirely up to you to do what makes you feel comfortable when it comes to your social media accounts. I think on facebook you can adjust settings for each post, which allows you to create exceptions so that a specific person won't see it. You probably already know your other privacy options: to completely block her, which would keep her account from seeing that you have a profile at all; "unfriend," which would still allow her to see that you have a profile and anything else you share publicly; or keep things as you have them now. Of course, with any of those options, if she's hacking other people's accounts or creating multiple of her own, it won't stop her from seeing everything. And yes, any of those solutions might feel hurtful to her, and she may respond with anger--but it's not up to you to keep that from happening. You don't have the power to control how she feels. You can't cope with her distress for her. Regardless of your settings, you can always choose to delete or ignore any inciting messages from her about something you've chosen to share. You get to decide what to spend your time and energy on.

My mother picks fights when she needs an external excuse for why she feels so ashamed. She will poke and poke until the other person explodes, and then as she goes crying to her room, it's that cruel other person's fault that she's so upset. Once I figured this pattern out, it felt so freeing. I didn't have to try to argue with her. I didn't have to prepare a lengthy defense for myself. I didn't have to worry about how long I would be able to control my temper. I could just calmly say, "I'm not going to discuss this," and then get up and leave if she kept at it. In your situation, you did something very similar. I would just add that you don't have to keep replying every time she writes you. You can say it once and mean it.   As you experienced with your sister, there's often a good deal of pushback when communicating a boundary to a person who's experiencing a heightened emotional state. What's important to remember is that you don't have to make the other person understand your boundary, and they don't have to agree to comply with it--you just have to be willing to take care of it. Our boundaries are for us.

There's a workshop here that was helpful to me called How to stop circular arguments (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0). There's also some good information about boundaries here: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries). They might be able to offer you some insight as you decide what you want to do.

Wishing you peace,

PF

Thank you for saying that. I feel bad for her because I know she is in turmoil but I also know that I cannot help her with that. My dad is BPD and it was something we all did growing up, making sure he didn't get mad so changing what we did around him, and of course we know that hardly works anyway.


I go back and for with this, I sometimes won't post or like things because I know it may be a trigger and sometimes I feel like I should be able to do what I want with my own things... a waste of energy really.

Thank you for the advice, sometimes I just need reassurance that what I am doing is the right thing.