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Ok she finally agreed to let me help with some counseling which she can't afford.  I'm

Willing to help. I know it needs to be unconditional without motives of reconciling. Though admittedly I hope for that one day. I don't think she thinks she has BPD. Not sure how actual diagnosis is made.  But she's gone through a lot with custody stuff and other things last few weeks. So anyhow I have to assume any counseling is a good thing.

Thoughts?   

It helps some, it doesn't help others.  It didn't help mine at all.  We tried 2 different counselors, once they called him out on his behavior, he quit.

Yes. From what I've read they feel invalidated or judged like in the relationship. So they leave. I hope that doesn't happen. And again i want to believe it's unconditionally I'm doing this. But I hope it will help her too and she will want to come back.  I'm pathetic.

That's nice of you

You are not pathetic. Far from it. It's big of you to try and help her.

you are absolutely not pathetic.  But I know the feeling. I've hung in for 3 long years.  I've put up with some crazy stuff that I should have RUN from, but my stupid heart still holds hope that man I met will return.  It's more than I can take and I feel really... .sigh... .I have no idea what I feel any more.  LOL.

Good luck to you.

This is going to sound unsympathetic ... and unkind. There isn't an effective, diplomatic way of saying it other than this ... .

If you can afford to put her through treatment ... and I do mean afford it ... because if she commits to therapy which could take years ... it is going to be very expensive. And, when she backslides and you shoulder the hurt and the pain again and again ... you will feel resentful ... and helpless ... and eventually harbour thoughts that you are hopeless ... even more so if you're offering this help with secret desires that she'll eventually become the lady for you. If you can afford it and are willing to completely write off the investment without any return ... go for it.

Before you do though ... ask yourself this ...

Am I doing this to help her ... or am I feeding the idea that I am a steely night on a trusty white steed charging forth to the rescue ... of this damsel in distress ... and I refuse to accept that I will lose this battle?

These people are teachers ... they are addicts reflecting our own addiction ... and our refusal to accept ourselves as addicts.

And that addiction is ...

"I Am an addict ... I Am addicted to helping others ... I Am addicted to putting other people's needs before my own ... even if it means being unhappy. I must not give way to any other philosophy because putting myself first is such a selfish thing to do when someone else is in trouble."

I really do hope you reconsider ... go no contact ... and give her the opportunity to help herself.

Hopefully, like the majority of people who behave in this way ... she'll cause a situation prior to counselling ... do a runner and spare you any further misery and financial loss.

I know exactly where you are ... and I feel deeply for you and the pain you are in ... and it is an honourable gesture ...

But, haven't you been honourable so far? Yep ... ! And where did honourability get you? Here in cuckoo land ... preparing to go straight back down the rabbit hole.

Kind wishes ... get out, stay out ... find the lady that deserves your love ... she's waiting.




Best wishes.

You a good person for even thinking of doing that so don't worry karma points.

I've had two with no counseling undiagnosed and one with a lot of counseling and all kinds of meds and a daily program. To be quite honest she was the most hurtful and abusive one of all. The meds have become an addiction basically and the therapy and programs are just new stages for her act. She seem to have become a professional pwBPD. Being aware has made the bad undesirable behaviors intensified. She now has a reason to act this way so instead of her actions having consequences like a normal person hers do not because it's part of the BPD.

I would reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally listen to this advice right here.

I thank everyone so far for the words of wisdom.

I really don't think she will go the distance beyond one or two sessions sadly. Don't know she's capable honestly. But I do want to see her better.  At some point though I know I will move on and have to sever the ties. Not sure when that will be but I'm going to try not to allow myself to get hurt any more.  We will see.  I'll know more next couple weeks for sure. 

I foresee based on many posts here she will fall in love with someone else In short order and I'll just be a distant memory.

hey scopikaz 

just a question to consider:



that sounds like a gut feeling scopikaz. would it not hurt a great deal?

My friend I'm going to do for you what no man did for me at one time. GET AWAY NOW. I'm serious block her number NC. She's push pulling you in deeper with offering to take your help then I'd bet she messes up the therapy or what ever just to upset you for her entertainment. She doesn't want help just another string attached.I apologize for being harsh but you need reason for detachment your to close to see clearly. I've been there the worst .BPD girls with 5 levels of things going on. You are lucky it doesn't sound to bad yet ,but we never see the accident coming and it's coming. That some point is passing you by. Just remember the red flags ! Yeah you'll be a a distant memory and be back here flipping out. Make plans go out have fun with friends and most importantly remember who YOU were before meeting her And we're chipped away to someone just worrying about her happiness. That's what pwBPD do best leave an empty cup.

The empty cup image. Wow. I just posted a picture of an empty coffee cup on fb today I think. Talked about we need to take care of self to fill it up before we can give it to others.  Very timely.