BPDFamily.com

I met my husband 7 years ago. We've been married for will be 5 years in May. Of course he woo'd me at first, there were signs and signals that something was off but here we are, with two kids, age 3&2. I'm nearing my wits end and I don't know what to do. I love my husband very much but the anxiety he is causing me is nearly debilitating. I'm a stay at home mom so we rely on him financially to survive. He has, numerous times before, screwed up big time but I've, for one reason or another, stuck around. The last time will be the last time. Anything else happens, the kids and I are out. I could not imagine trying to coparent my children with him as I know how mean and revengeful he can be. He is a nice, good person on many days, but there have been so many bad days that I find myself just waiting for the next outburst. He is very short with me, and the kids. Most of the time I can leave the kids with him for 2-3 hours and know he can handle that. Much more time then that, I need to be in ear shot so I know what's going on. Our kids are the best, I work all day making sure they are well mannered and kind to one another and other people, so when my husband gets mad about something they do, it's usually nothing, just them being normal toddlers. It's not fair for the 3 of us to walk on eggshells most of the time for him. I regret talking out loud when he is home as his facial expressions and comments are horribly hurtful. I need a person to be there to understand my life, but I am so busy taking care of the kids and our house, and many days, my husband to even have a friend I can confide in that won't see my husband as a big jerk. I'm exhausted and emotionally spent, to the point now, I don't even know what to do. I'm typically a strong person up until about 3 months ago when my anxiety had caused me to be physically ill many days of the week. Any insite, or a friend, would be greatly appreciated.

At first, I was going to ask whether you still loved him. Then, I saw again near the beginning, where you say, "I love him, but . . ."

There was a radio talk show therapist who used to say, Ignore the part that comes before the "but." The part that comes after "but" is the real crux of the issue.

If anyone with whom you talk would think that he is a big jerk, because that is how you describe him to them, then what do you really think of him? What do you mean by, "he has screwed up big-time"? Has he been unfaithful? Physically abusive? It could be that he has done things that make trust or respect impossible.

Hi Stevensj

I want to join SweetCharlotte and welcome you to the BPD Family.   I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are struggling.  It's tough particularly when you have 2 toddlers.

Has he been diagnosed with BPD or have you like many of us found the behaviors to match the symptoms?  Have you done some reading on the subject?  I found that was the first thing I did was learn as much as I could.  That was when I began to see patterns in my pwBPD's behaviors... .the chaos started to make some sense.

You've come to a great place for support, tools, and ideas on how to work through situations you are faced with we all get it and we all support each other.

I'd like to point out the box to the right --> Everything is a link to more information so when you have time pick a topic you are interested in and dive in.

Again Welcome 

Panda39

Welcome Stevensj,


a first step may be focusing on regaining some energy. You find the LESSONS as a sticky topic at the top of this board and they will help you to do exactly that. Let me explain how... .


This is typical and both a sign that you two are close, you have weak boundaries and are able to sense emotions well. Quite natural, nothing wrong in general with that except in a marriage like yours simply relying on natural behavior is not sufficient. Basic coping mechanisms like avoiding triggers aka. walking on eggshells is insufficient and actually leads to a gradual escalation. So... .

meet the two key tools at your disposal. Yeah, there are the LESSONS and you need to study them, really study them like you would a very serious course but at the root most is grounded in these two skills:

Boundaries: It is an effective, quite defensive/minimal escalating way to make a stand and protect key concerns and values of yours. Study the workshops, plan and ask for advice on the board. Quality of execution matters! The first ones will be scary but it will get easier over time. Besides protecting whatever you want to protect the first solid boundaries will shift power in your relationship back to a more balanced manner. They also will return some sense of control to you making you less sensitive to some of his inconsiderate behavior.

Validation: You have a keen sense of emotions  |iiii But right now this sensitivity is working against you.You sense and then tiptoe. You sense and swallow. You sense, swallow and overflow triggering a fight or struggle to hold yourself back. Not good!

Validation allows you to better process what is happening and deal with the emotions being thrown from him at you. By processing them properly and assigning them to him you off-load your own suffering. You also enable him to better deal with himself.

Validation starts with understanding better what emotions he expresses and avoiding invalidation. While we should not avoid triggering a pwBPD - they are adults and don't have a right to force everyone around them to walk on eggshells - we must avoid unnecessary invalidation. Invalidation is triggering and over time very corrosive to the pwBPD ability to regulate and our relationship with them.

A good way to get started are the workshops in the LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0) and then asking questions on the board focused on specific issues or situations.

Again *welcome*,

a0