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... .that Facebook is called Facebook for a reason. That photos are never the full story. That I'm better off without someone who raged, showed suicidal behaviour while in such rages, shoved me around, and hit me once. Someone who walked out on our three-year relationship and life plans while my sister was battling cancer. That just because he's with someone else, doesn't mean he will be any different with her.

Minor setback last night. A friend of mine alerted me to the fact that he's posted a photo of himself and his fianceé on his 'photography' page on Facebook. She did it by accident; she saw that I still 'like' the page and suggested that I should unlike it as it's unhealthy. What she didn't know is that I unfollowed the page when we broke up and completely forgot I even still liked it, so I wasn't getting his updates.

Invariably, it made me feel like rubbish to know there's yet another happy photo of them floating around on the internet. Why do I care? I do not know. My logical self thinks, leave him to it. He's ill. He's in denial. He got engaged to someone else within two months of breaking up with me. Just weeks before our breakup he was telling me how he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me, that I'm the love of his life, that he'd always be there for me. We'd planned a whole life together, and I had no reason to suspect he would do something like this.

EMPTY PROMISES.

And yet my wounded self feels defeated again. I long for the day when I'll hear something like this and not care. Alas, that day still hasn't come and I guess I'm upset that it still affects me this way.

Hopeful

Hey Hopeful83

I'm by no means an expert, take whatever you feel like from my comment. I can't say for sure exactly why you are so upset about it, but you can honestly implore yourself and I know you'll find the reasons why.  :)

People would always tell me that I deserve better, and I knew it, but for me it wasn't another person. All I wanted was for him to do what he should have. I loved him, gave him everything and in return I got beat down constantly for almost seven years now to the point where I'm not even me anymore. This has been extremely difficult for me because I love him deeply and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, it always ends up the same. He can be happy with everyone around him but me. He can laugh and smile and have a great time, as long as I'm not in it... .and that stings. I even told him once that if I had put him through what he has me he would've left me a long time ago and he didn't deny it. There is no real depth of feeling for me, no general care, and yet I still continued to forgive and let myself be treated awful, just awful.

He has told me the same things, that we would be together forever and he loved me and me only and could never be with anyone else, and then when things were especially tense he tried to hook up with another woman, telling her how beautiful she was and wanting to take her out, while at the same time he was assuring me he loved me and wanted to make things work. He created another fb page and never added me as a friend, posting a huge stupid smile on his face and it made me irate. He contacted his ex to tell her how sorry he was for what he did to her, when SHE cheated on him and it was also behind my back, with no remorse and while still treating me like a doormat... .

I think it helps me to keep things in perspective. I'm not going to hate him and live with the rage and let him win. I'm going to do my darndest to keep letting him go so all the things he will do will not make me sad either. We have a child together so he may or may not be involved depending on how things go. Sigh, I just don't want the pain anymore and like you, don't want that sting that somehow "I" wasn't good enough for him but "she" is.

Keep your head up and keep processing the pain as it comes and one day for sure, you'll heal and not be affected. We'll get there.      :)

Hi Hopeful,

It seems to me that, simply by posting here, you have reminded yourself that even though you wish you were still with your partner, he wasn't all you hoped he would be and you're better off without him. What I suspect you need is to hear that there are people who care about you and who see the pain that you are in    ... .so I'd like to send you a very big hug, with lots of love because rejection is hard for anyone to take. 

It is possible that he is happier with his new partner. It is possible that getting so near to committing to you made him realise that you weren't the person for him. Somewhere deep inside, you may be resisting accepting these possibilities and the tremendous pain that comes with it.

I suspect we do ourselves a disservice by assuring ourselves that things will go wrong for our former partners in their subsequent relationships. They may go wrong. The literature suggests this is highly likely. However, WE were still rejected and we need to face the pain of that in a safe place, knowing that we are being lovingly held by friends who understand us and love us. Let us hold you as you face these possibilities. You will be stronger for doing so.

Love Lifewriter xx

Controversial statement here ... and, of course, not all the facts are available.

However, knowing that your ex is flying high in a new relationship, and is planning a wedding ... so soon after discarding you ... might instil feelings of unworthiness in you (which isn't true ).

That would be normal ... Ouch ... !

What I would be wondering is why my 'friend' thought it necessary I should know ... and I would begin to wonder, if in fact, they were a friend ... and not just another troll feeding off someone else's pain, heartbreak and anguish.

If I were your friend I would be asking you if you've closed off all possible routes of communication (which means all social media too ) ... and, if you hadn't, to do so immediately. I certainly wouldn't be bringing what he is doing to your attention ... because I know that you'd be hurt by it and would be an obstacle to your healing.

What I've come to learn is that if you have one ratbag in your life causing upset ... there's a very good likelihood there's more than just one ... ! And, sometimes they disguise themselves ... yep, you've got it .! As " Friends".

Bless you lady ... be strong and don't be afraid to do some weeding.

Facebook is really no indication of how a relationship is going. My ex and I had just celebrated 3 years and then a week later she tossed me away. Days after that she was with my replacement. She shared a photo of us together both smiling. It was my favourite photo of us because she was genuinely smiling in it, it wasn't that fake smile with dead eyes. But then she discarded me.

Try thinking back to your own experience. Remember that BPD is a pattern which repeats itself. You said he was happy a few weeks before, saying how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. Once the idealisation phase wears off, that kind of stuff scares hell out of them which usually leads to a discard.

Your friend seems to be looking out for you but it might be worth asking them to not alert you to that kind of stuff in the future. It sounds like you were in danger of seeing the photo regardless, so it sounds like it was helpful for them to let you know.