BPDFamily.com

Its been two weeks since the break up... I know that its really early and the wounds are still very raw. When we were together,the beginning was one of pure bliss! I know now that none of it was real,( putting me on a pedestal, mirroring etc).strangely, deep down I knew something was off and I wasn't all those wonderful things she said.she had a very horrible past,ex prostitute, drug addict,lost her kids,but I felt like I could be the one who saved her and give her the life she wanted... in the end,I was blamed for everything,lying,cheating,choosing drugs over her,( which we both used drugs during time together but I never forced her! ) I caught her setting with other guys on social media,in which I was always blamed for,and caught her in many lies I was always blamed for

It was a bad break up,and now she still wants to be friends on fb,etc.she even has told me that I was a bad influence on her,but when she gets a house,I could rent a room,and that we will always be friends.the day I moved out,she told me she loved me and acted like nothing happened between us. We were together for a year,and I was very much in love,(still am) with her. When I exposed the lies to her family,( her drug use,lying, etc). That's when she finally snapped and blamed me for ruining her life... my real question is,why would she do this to me? She herself use to preach to me that I had BPD and other mental illness and needed help,when it was her that showed the signs,( she even admitted she had the illness herself but had worked thru it?)

She now has messaged me she wants to always be friends,sent me friend request on fb etc. And just seems oblivious to everything.while I'm in a very dark depression and have thought of suicide more and more... I consider myself fairly intelligent, and even knew deep down she was "off" but something about her has made me long for her still. I apologize for the rambling post. It may not even make much sense,but my life is in shambles,emotionally, physically. Is it just I have low self esteem and harboring my own demons? Any word of advice would help... I'm at my wits end and the dark thoughts from all this has left me in such a state, I cannot even get out of bed in the morning or even look at myself in the mirror...

First, I want to start off by telling you that none (and I mean none!) of how this played out is your fault.  We have all been where you are (in some shape, way, or form) with our pwBPD.  I say that not to minimize what you're experiencing but to let you know you're among those that understand.  People that haven't been involved with these types of r/s really don't understand what you're going through.  We, here, do.

Second, I can't urge you enough to speak with a professional immediately about your depression/suicidal thoughts.  There is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of by seeking help.  Most of us here have been to therapy for a gamut of reasons after our encounter with a BPD.  I cannot stress the importance of you getting with a professional ASAP.  I have been two rounds (2 r/s) with my ex, J.  Both times have resulted in me seeing a therapist.  I currently am seeing one since our r/s 'distanced' in October and came to its 'end' in mid-December.  I recently went no contact with her the 1st of Jan.

Now for the "why did this happen" type of questioning.  The simple reason is because she's mentally ill.  Sounds simple enough, right?   But we get wrapped up in wanting to know why/how this or that took place.  That's because we are normal, caring adults and we want to bond with our partners.  Except our partners aren't normal, caring adults.  They often pick "rescuer" (aka Knights In Shining Armor) types because they see us as the answer to their problems.  When it turns out we don't fix them (we can't!), they discard us and look for the next to fix them (who can't, either!).  The cycle starts all over.

The disorder is a spectrum disorder.  It doesn't particularly matter where they fall on the spectrum, however.  They are still disordered and will show traits within the entire Cluster B area (ASPD, NPD, BPD, HPD, etc).  The core traits are the same, but you may see traits from all those disorders.  Projection (her saying you're crazy and need help, for example) is very, very common.  They can't face their own shortcomings so they 'project' it onto you.  It's common for them to accuse you of cheating, for example, when they're the ones doing it because of guilt/shame.

She wants to be 'friends' because she wants to keep you around.  They have a fear of abandonment, even though they push you away then they pull you back ("we can't be together but we can be friends and you can rent a room from me" is an example).  They think black and white only (something/someone is all bad or all good.  Nothing is a shade of gray - if that makes sense- which is reality).

Trust me when I say that getting away from her is the greatest thing for you.  I've been there, done that... .twice (first time was for 4 months, 3 years later for a year... .yes, years later).  It hurts like hell and takes you for a tailspin, but IT DOES GET BETTER!

Read over the lessons, read about trauma bonding, and talk to us about what you're going through.  We understand and we're here.  Now, on a personal note, get out of bed and do something good for yourself.  You deserve it, you've been through one hell of a whirlwind with an emotional vampire.  Make an appointment with a therapist ASAP who can give you a lot more ways of moving past her than we can (mine had given me several techniques). 

Take care of yourself, it does get better... .I promise. 

Hello Jamis72  *welcome*

I'm sorry you're in such pain over your breakup.    Breakups are hard for anyone, add in BPD and things can feel devastating. We all understand what you're going through here. So glad you have found us! I agree with Lonely_Astro, this isn't your fault and it helps to talk to a real person on the phone or in person when feeling so down. A professional can help you sort through the thoughts you are having. These thoughts are temporary and will pass. It gets better.

We're all here for you anytime, 24/7. Stick with us, keep posting. It helps to talk.   

Do you have friends or family close by that you can reach out to right now?