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I was. There is so much I never told my best friend. I have no family. She's all I have and she lives across the street, so it was harder for him to get me away. But I rarely told her the extent until recently. She suspected more than she let on. But she only supported and hoped I'd come around.

Hey wishfulthinking, I'm sorry that you feel this way. I think it's alright to feel like that when we feel that we're putting ourselves out there.

What are you ashamed about?

I get it. But I'm on the opposite side of trying to talk about it and losing relationships that way as well. No one wants to hear about something that is so hard to understand.

I was ashamed by the things that happened. At first, the fairytale gone bad. Why was he raging at me? He had no explanation except that I was selfish and unappreciative. No reason. Then, sleep deprivation. Would never tell anyone about that. Then, pushing, pulling, shoving, name calling... .no way would I tell anyone. My best friend found out some the night I had to have him arrested because he hurt me pretty good. I took him back. It continued, really embarrassed by that point... oh, I took back someone that physically bruises me regularly, how stupid am I? By the time he choked me about a month and a half ago, I'd already filed for divorce, but found out he'd been on meth, so that was part of his aggression. He stopped and good some better. Let's see if this'll work out. He stole from me. Lied to me. A month and a half ago. I said I was done. Since I hadn't turned him in, he was still in my house. I told him he could stay till he had a place as long as things remained civil. They didn't. Not to mention he blew through my 30,000 in savings because he rarely worked and I had to pay it all. I'm messed up financially, too. Been sued twice but too much equity in my house to file bankruptcy yet credit too poor to get a second mortgage loan. So much my friends don't know because I'd be too embarrassed.

Have you ever thought to find a good therapist who you can talk to about all these things? It may help. Also a good friend is sometimes good. I have two who I am lucky to have who listen and don't judge. But first I would find a really good therapist to help you through this hard time!

It's ok to feel ashamed. Look at the circumstances. You gave a lot of yourself, emotionally and financially. Other people might judge that as you being duped.

The big picture here, as I see it, is that it sounds like you think you left a lot on the table. Things that you will never get back. I understand why this triggers strong emotions. And those emotions are ok to have. You've been through a lot.

And one more thing: Physical violence is never alright in any kind of relationship. I'm glad that you're away from the situation.  

You're on a new path now. It might seem hard to celebrate that at times. It is still hard for me on occasion as well. Growing is hard, but not impossible. And you're here now, surrounded by a bunch people of information that can help ease the pain that you're feeling.

I wanna say that, domestic violence experts will tell you, there's a very definite correlation between choking (strangulation) and homicide. In other words, the chokers of today have a high likelihood of becoming killers of their domestic partners. So if those other things are red flags, this is an extra large red flag.

Tim,

Yes, I have read that correlation.  I had filed for divorce previously and we had tried reconciliation, but that was the final straw.  My throat hurt to swallow for a month.  I couldn't eat anything but mush for 2 weeks.  The day after it happened I called my lawyer and told him to schedule the final court date ASAP.