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I completely stopped reacting to dysregulations and put a few serious boundaries in place about a year ago.  Since then uBPDh has painted me black, seemingly permanently.  He says I am cold and selfish for walking away from verbal abuse and dysregulation.  Push/pull goes on all day.  Says/does mean, hurtful things; then hugs me and is nicey-nice.  I do my best stay neutral throughout both and the cycle repeats.

I know about self care and all that.  But how do you actually shield yourself (and the children)?  Day after day of rude, controlling behavior is too much.  If I try to intervene when he interacts like that with the children (7,8), it always ends in him dysregulating against me.  The children decided that we should try just letting him be mean to them and me not do or say anything and let it die down.  Ugh.

Example:  I am dropping them all off for Sunday school.  uBPDh gets out of the car and does not put the seat down.  It is heavy and they cannot do it themselves.  He stand there and waits, so they start climbing over the seat to get out.  He then yells at them 'how many times have I told you not to climb over the seat?'.  One of them says '3 times'.  uBPDh says 'you are just like your mother, you know I tell you over and over and you still refuse to do what I say'.  I get out and put the seat down, everyone is in tears, we go about our day.  Similar scenes repeat throughout every day.

Is there any way I or the children can diffuse these episodes?  Or cope with them somehow?  uBPDh doesn't think he has a problem.  He is convinced that if we would all just act right, there wouldn't be any problems.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Have you read and tried any of the tools posted here? Have you read any of the really good books dealing with BPD? Sometimes just learning about it offers a small measure of comfort. We can't change them, but having a few tools in your arsenal to deal with them can potentially make life easier.

I just think that when you are dealing with someone with a PD, there are just going to be "incidences" outside your control. All you can do it not add to the drama, and try to diffuse it. Boundaries are huge, and you may need some to help protect your kids? Maybe you already are. Even at their young ages, they seem to realize something is going on with Dad?

The fact that you and your kids can go on about your day after one of his outbursts is probably a good thing. My Mom always managed to make even bad situations look less "bad", and didn't dwell on them, and that has helped ME as an adult.

Thanks for responding, Ceruleanblue.  Yes, I have read all the books and reread them from time to time.  I have gone through the lessons and articles here multiple times as well.  He is so high functioning!  And maybe it is more than just BPD.  He hates validation.  Maybe I am just bad at it.  I try again from time to time, but he tells me to stop using psychobabble.  I have found the best thing is to not react or walk away.  Now he complains he only talks to my back  :)

Thank you for mentioning how your mom handled things.  My mom was not around when I was a child, so my brother and I had to deal with my NPD/BPD? dad alone.  Not a good situation at all.  That is why I stay - so the children do not have to deal with it alone.  It is good to know we are doing a little bit OK  :)