BPDFamily.com

Childhood Emotional Neglect - a condition which is the effect of a parent’s failure to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs. We all have differing levels of emotional needs and sometimes parents don't rise to meet those needs of one or more of their children. Parents who learn about childhood emotional neglect often wonder what they have done to cause it. Nonetheless, the effects can be significant on us as we become adults.

Jonice Webb, PhD., explores this issue in her book, Running on Empty.

What is your total score?  Let us know in the poll above and tell us (post) whether you are showing signs of someone who may not have gotten the emotional support that they needed?

0= Not at all        1=Somewhat        2=Moderately        3=A lot        4=Extremely        

------- 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

------- 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1

------- 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2

------- 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3

------- 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4

------------------------------------ Sometimes feel like you didn't belong when with your family or friends? Pride yourself on not relying upon others? Have difficulty asking for help Have friends or family who complained that you were aloof or distant? Feel you had not met your potential in life? Often just want to be left alone? Secretly feel that you may be a fraud? Tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations? Often feel disappointed with, or angry at, yourself? Judge yourself more harshly than you judged others? Compare yourself to others and often find yourself sadly lacking? Find it easier to love animals than people? Often feel irritable or unhappy for no apparent reason? Have trouble knowing what you’re feeling? Have trouble identifying your strengths and weaknesses? Sometimes feel like you’re on the outside looking in? Believe you’re one of those people who could easily live as a hermit? Have trouble calming yourself? Feel there’s something holding you back from being present in the moment? At times feel empty inside? Secretly feel there’s something wrong with you? Struggled with self-discipline? Have trouble identifying your values--the principles that guide your life? Lack confidence in how well you knew yourself?

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63

This was difficult, because I've done so much inner work throughout the years. I recognize a lot of these things as being heavily true when I was a young adult, but not as many as are true now. I focused on traits I've had overall, even if I've worked through them today. My mother had NPD and was an alcoholic, so I'm sure I didn't get the emotional support I needed.

I scored 31, Moderate.

I would say this is pretty accurate. I grew up in a loving home, but strong emotions were not allowed. Both of my sisters are also "cold". My mom is very emotionally reserved as is my grandma too. I think my Great grandma was also. We just hold our emotions very close.

I remember when I was 14 I told my mom I was depressed and felt like I wanted to kill myself. She told me "only crazy people say those things." I never opened up to her ever again until after my dad died 5 years ago. Little did I know that my dad often felt suicidal too and once locked himself in the bathroom with a gun. I had no idea. My dad was kind of emotionally sensitive. I wonder if she had to cut off some emotion so he didn't get to her?

Realised I forgot to give my score 77.

Father has OCD and was controlling, mother I think has a tendency to NPD and failed to protect us from father, I ended up feeling like mother to my 3 younger siblings, parents had an abusive relationship - they would argue, then make up and blame us for all their problems. All three of us girls have been victims of sexual and physical abuse within our own relationships, my brother has ocd and a tendency to be controlling towards women. My maternal grandmother is NPD and grandfather is an enabler. Paternal grandfather was a tyrant and grandmother was enabler. A huge amount of undiagnosed mental illness within the family.  When I initially showed my own mental illness I was told not to do it again and to get over it. I was always labelled the "black sheep" of the family. In the wider daily there is depression and ASD.

I scored 61.

Well folks, I scored 61 which is severe emotional neglect (and I would have scored more had it not been for years of therapy). It doesn't surprise me in the slightest. It does sadden me though. This test confirms what I already feel to be the truth about my life.

Lifewriter x

37.

I know my score would probably be doubled, without the therapy I've had. BPD hermit mother, "Huntsman Dad", two BPD husbands.

I was very codependent and I remember one of my beloved therapists telling me, "We've got to build you a self."

Nowadays, I'm quite strong in myself and have succeeded in weeding out a lot of the people pleasing behaviors. I tend to think that a third of the population will dislike me no matter what, another third will have neutral feelings about me and the other third will like me. I focus on the ones who will like me and am polite to the rest.

It's been quite a journey from being a shy, scared, self-doubting young girl to feeling competent and happy with myself. (The irony is that because I no longer "give a sh!t" about what people think, my husband thinks I'm veering toward narcissism--and I think he's envious.)

I scored a 24.

I am somewhat surprised that I scored a 24, given the history of my FOO. My father had the Fight Club mentality, "You do not talk about emotions." His philosophy got passed on to my brothers. Although, he has been working on that throughout the last few years.  On the other hand, my mother was always so consumed in her mental illness and did not have the ability to be emotionally supportive.

The lack of emotional support was something that I struggled with for a very long time. I was always searching for emotional support. For that reason, the honeymoon phase of my relationship was so appealing.  Therapy has really helped me with this issue.  

Got a 66.

My parents loved me but fought constantly with each other and drank a lot. You can't run to your parents for much when they are yelling at each other. I didn't realize some of my antisocial tendencies came from emotional neglect. I once tried really hard to scratch a spot on my back and my husband asked me why I didn't ask him to do it for me, he was sitting right next to me. It occurred to me that I don't ask for help for anything, and try really hard to avoid asking for help in any situation. I have a "I don't need your help" mentality. I also feel like an outcast at family functions, and often compare myself to others in any situation and feel like I fall short. I could go on and on. I for the longest time thought my family dynamic was normal.

I scored a 19.

I took this test a while ago and don't know what I scored. I never posted my result.

I scored a 19 this time, however. I think that this reflects how I feel generally: a bit sad, more happy, and sometimes anxious. And I know when I'm feeling these things, instead of projecting 'feelings' onto myself based on how I felt physically. In my experience, anxiety has always been a physical feeling. Sadness tends to be a lot more emotional—if this difference is identifiable for anyone at all. Sometimes I feel more normal being sad than being anxious or happy, but I prefer happy.

I think that it also speaks to my level of childhood neglect, pointing towards the idea that all of us are indeed different. There is no perfect healing path. It is always an individual journey. So I feel lucky, and I think this score will lower itself in the next couple of years. I don't base myself off of these results, just a hunch.

I scored 37.  

My mum was a single parent and seriously lacked any emotional warmth.  I attributed that to her being exhausted all the time working two jobs and me being a typical mouthy teenager.  However, she had a terrible childhood herself with no love so she didn't know how to show that to her own children.  I don't remember any hugs or cuddles on the sofa or anytime her genuinely telling me she loved me.  She also chucked me out when I was 18 and threw all my clothes out of my bedroom window on to the street below.  She then left the UK when I was 21 to move to the USA to be with a guy she had loved since her teens.  Fair enough.

I know I am co-dependent in some ways; I'm sure as hell not going to let my own daughter grow up feeling unloved or unwanted.

I scored extreme. My mom had serious depression my whole life until she tried to shoot herself in front of my brother and I when we were 8 and 9. My only other memories were of her lying in bed crying or arguing with my father. My dad was a travelling salesman only home weekends and also a Narcissist who had an affair with my mom's best friend and married her 30 days after their divorce was final. He got full custody and my step mom hates me and my brother to this day, 40 years later. We were never good enough for our father. No mater what, he always had a complaint. We were pretty much left to fend for ourselves as children, so as the oldest, I definitely became the caretaker.
I was a quiet baby and overachiever in school. I started using drugs in high school and got pregnant in college and married. 20 year pretty much loveless marriage with physical and verbal abuse. My uBPD swooped in when I left my first husband and totally swept me off my feet.
I realize now how needy I was and my total lack of boundaries. I was always searching for unconditional love and acceptance since I never received that as a child. Surley why I have 9 children and love babies! I make sure that all my children are loved and accepted for who they are and that they are secure in my love and protection as babies and children.
I am currently trying to learn boundaries and to love myself. I have a free counselor, but she is more like a motherly friend. I learn mostly by reading and researching on my own. Hopefully I can learn and grow from my BPD experience. It feels like my skin was completely ripped off and it's now raw and I must let it heal and regrow healthy skin.

92.

Wow. I checked twice.
This is hard  to accept.
Need to think it over... .

Libra.

I know Pete Walker is often cited here.

Processing this is really hard. I feel lke I'm regressing here... .

www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf

64, Severe emotional neglect


^^Yes.

It sounds silly, but I identify a lot with how Harry Potter feels in the books.  He loves being around the Weasley's but is very much aware of his status as "friend", and even when Molly Weasley says things about how she might as well be his mother, who else has he got, I can see how he feels, choked up, overwhelmed by not knowing how to react to affection.

I feel like a weirdo outsider, looking into a window.

I cannot ask for help.  I feel guilty, useless if I can't do things myself.  It barely occurs to me to ask for things, and takes a lot of mental prep to make myself do it. 

64. Seems about right.

94  :cursing:

Oh... .but I hide it really well most of the time. You’d never guess it was this bad. Even close friends and family have no idea of the severity. When I was young, we didn’t talk about these things. Period.

L2T

I scored 67 and I am okay with that.  Not so long ago it would have been much higher.  My feelings and self-assessment have changed in the items I copied below.  They still apply but rather than being at a 3 or a 4 (mostly at 4) mine have decreased to a 2 or 3.  I answered based on how I am feeling today, after therapy, after working here and after years of working on healing on my own.  The work is worth it.  The details of my life have not changed but I have and the effects are less debilitating.

Pride yourself on not relying upon others?
Have difficulty asking for help
Secretly feel that you may be a fraud?
Often feel disappointed with, or angry at, yourself?
Judge yourself more harshly than you judged others?
Have trouble knowing what you’re feeling?
Have trouble identifying your strengths and weaknesses?
Sometimes feel like you’re on the outside looking in?
Have trouble calming yourself?

Libra it can be upsetting to actually be able to measure something and see a result.  You are still you and you are not regressing.  It may feel like it though.  Remember, sometimes growing stronger means tearing down the stuff that no longer works... .and that often comes with seeing things more clearly.  Progress is hard and it hurts sometimes and can be unsettling.  Awareness is vital.

Remember, we've got you.   

34. But some of the questions got a zero cause they were hard to interpret.

Harri wrote:


Okay, this may have been my problem. I was answering more from a “as a child” point of view, recalling how I felt then. I will re-take the test tomorrow with fresh eyes and from the perspective of how I feel in the present.

Thank you for clarifying,

L2T

Hi L2T 

I don't know if there is a right way or wrong way to score this.  In general, for myself, I try to answer these sorts of things based on where I am today, unless it is more like the ACEs test, in which case I just score based on how things were.  Focusing on where I am today gives me a more hopeful perspective and serves as a gauge for my healing.  I won't ever score in the 'normal' range on something like this though.

I will be interested in how you score tomorrow so I am going to stay tuned!

 

Taking the test again today from my current perspective, my score is 46. I feel good with that but still want to keep working on improving.

  L2T

I answered based on the majority of my life and scored 73. My score is lower now but would still fall in the severe category. It's interesting for me to fully understand where I've been, where I am and where I'm going.

Get I've put a lot of conscious effort into shifting some of these things towards a healthier mid point over the last few years. Life events have also played a part in the change process. There came a point, for example, where I had no choice but to ask for help, whether I liked it or not.

Very interesting test.

Love and light x

L2T that is quite a change in score!  Wow what a comparison between then and now (how you felt as a child vs. today). 

Harley, Exactly.  I had no choice but to ask for help, say i 'can't do this' etc.  I am still fiercely independent but within more realistic expectations for myself given my situation. 

My score is 67

Honestly, I was a little surprised. I thought I would not be in the severe category, but maybe moderate at most.  However, considering the statements, these are things I never considered to be signs of emotional neglect. My father has only become somewhat emotionally supportive in the last few months, but for the majority of my life he never wanted to talk about emotions and often told me to "get over it."

I always thought my uBPD mother was emotionally supportive because she always told me how great of a mother she is. But, now that I understand the screwed up relationship/emotional incest that existed growing up, I see that she expected me to support her emotionally. She often told me to stop crying if I was upset and would get angry, very angry if I cried and told me how my life is so perfect and she wishes she had my life, how could I ever be so ungrateful and cry. In high school, she would tell me that she has enough problems with my brother, she doesn't need to worry/know about my problems too. In July, it took a lot of courage for me to share with her troubles I have with depression and anxiety. She told me "You can't be that way, you just need to get over it. My life is so much harder and I still get up and do what I need to do."  (BTW, her life is hard because she lives in a fancy, upgraded apartment instead of a million dollar house, and she separated from my father which she initiated and fought to make happen.)

I remember when I first cried in front of my fiance and I felt immediate worry that he would be upset with me. I remember feeling a physical and mental shock when he hugged me and comforted me.

I have been in therapy for about 3 months now. I hope it will help me with my emotional neglect "score."

69

I got 45.

I thought I would land in the "mild" category, but as I reflect more and more on the behavior in question, there is a strong pattern that has persisted for decades. I struggle to claim a history of "moderate" emotional abuse right now but it's something I'd like to work on acknowledging and naming as part of my past and, to a certain extent, present.

A decade ago, my score would have been maybe 15-20 points higher. I've only recently begun to explore the impact that specific patterns of behavior related to PD have had on my emotional development but years in and out of therapy have made a difference, even if I may have been dancing around the root of the periodic issues that drew me there in the past.

28

My mom is not BPD but is critical and controlling. From the outside that number probably seems high, but how her behaviors have affected how I feel/have felt about myself from the inside out it feels right.

What do these scores tell us?  What do they mean?

My SO asked me the other day, if part of the reason I participate on this site is to work on my own issues surrounding my relationship with my mom.  I have to say yes that is part of the reason I'm here. I'm always trying to analyze myself, trying to be better, trying to fix myself, trying to gain insight... .  :cursing: I'm still trying to be good enough! 

Somethings are better.  I am able to radically accept my mom as she is, I no longer buy the criticism, I have figured out that I am a good person without her approval. But what I struggle with most is the stuff I have already internalized and how do I cope with that stuff... .work through that stuff?  How do I deep down... .finally believe... .truly believe I'm good enough just as I am?  Or is life just striving to be a better person?  What is good enough?  What does good enough look like?

Panda39

Moderate. I scored well (low) on the questions which I think speak to differentiation. Though I'll admit that I still harbor feelings like I'm not worth loving,  I don't doubt myself.  

Like these last two:


0, 0. I always resisted my mother's attempts at enmeshment.  Though I did pick up a few waifish-hermit traits, I resisted being like her,  and rebelled against it, from being a teen throughout my adulthood. 

Scored  Extreme,  I would have guess moderate. Maybe CPTSD makes it worse ? Maybe it’s my brothers violence and Sadistic Personality disorder, or the aggressive nature of him and my BPD ? Or being a scapegoat ? No, on reflection its definitely my pet hamster, she was very demanding.

I scored a 55...but really had to think about some of my responses and found myself hesitating. Part of healing is having to acknowledge where some of my needs are and it is difficult because I really have prided myself on ending cycles, creating my own destiny, and being better than where I came from. I wonder if my perspective on some of these is different than others close to me. I believe I had many protective factors and some resiliency that prevented me from scoring higher. I sought escape and support from friends, their families, and escape through positive activities.

I scored a 64.

My mom has BPD, and my dad while around was working a lot. Being the oldest and left in charge and told I wasn't good enough growing up when I didn't succeed with tasks that should have been left for adults really shaped some of my answers.

I'm extremely extroverted so while I prefer to be with others when you factor in my depression those questions were harder to answer than I thought. Even if I change my answers, I still fall into the severe category.

I would be a four in most categories, though with lots of therapy and hard work on being a better person than my family members, some of those scores don't apply now though they would have in the past. I still have plenty of the feelings described at times though and I think that will always be true, as we can never fully recover from childhood emotional neglect. One of my main challenges is my immediate family and some of my relatives have not changed or grown, and I find that people who grew up in healthy families treat me much better than my own immediate family and some of my relatives.

73

Some tough questions involved.

LT.

Scored a 40.
My dad always told I was "too sensitive".
Only recently found out he told my older suster the same thing.
Gotta think on this more.
-BC

I scored 48 not surprised, although I was in a secure family I always felt I never fitted in as they are very into sport.   I hate it and being the only sibling that did often had time on my own doing my own hobbies which fit well with the loner.

I scored a 27. I felt a little conflict about some of the answers.

I think my mom has an untreated anxiety disorder and I know my dad had anger issues growing up. Aside from blow out arguments when I was teen, my childhood was stable, my family was middle-class (I benefit from generational wealth despite college debt), and I have had consistently positive and loving friendships throughout my life. I am definitely on the anxious and controlling side, which I acknowledge and try to reign in during conflict so it doesn't negatively hinder my life. I think with more time and spending more energy on learning about the tools for coping with personality disorders, I could retake it for improved results.