BPDFamily.com

Here I am, a year out from the failed relationship.  Even though I know how toxic my BPDexgf is for my life, I find myself thinking about her and replaying the weeks before the fallout.  I blame myself and think about what I could have done differently.  After an extremely tumultuous up and down relationship we had just experienced by far the best stretch of our time together by far.  We were in heaven.  Every day I woke up happy to see her and every night I went to sleep with her in my arms.  She was my lover, my best friend, and who I thought would be my life partner. 

I had been on these boards on a different account here during the rough parts of our relationship.  She clearly has Borderline Personality Disorder.  When I described her behavior to my psychiatrist, she responded to me she is not only Borderline but also possibly psychotic, as defined clinically.  After a short breakup, I cracked and reached out to her, and she seemed like a different person.  This is when the magical time began and I was the happiest I had ever been in my life.  She acknowledged how crazy a lot of her behavior during our earlier relationship was, i.e., the insane jealousy, the controlling behavior, the outbursts of rage, and the silent treatments.  This combined with the absence of these behaviors and our wonderful time together led me to conclude she did not in fact have BPD.   

I go back and I think about the insane explosion that came out of nowhere from her.  This was right after we had just had some great times and right before we had some even better ones planned.  She became more dysregulated than I have ever seen her, but given that I had made many positive changes in my life, I chose not to engage her and tried to let her cool off.  Unfortunately, this was to no avail.  She would cool off only to go even more ballistic again with her abuse and her horrible behaviors from earlier in the relationship. 

My point here, is that I can't stop thinking about the good times, because they were truly amazing.  Then I start thinking about the bad.  The really bad.  I think about how much she damaged me.  And then I start thinking about what I could have done differently.  Replaying the end of our relationship and playing out alternate endings.  And I have come to a really important conclusion: 

IT DOESN'T MATTER

There is nothing I could have done differently.  If I decided to weather her explosion rather than walk away, there would have been another one.  My BPDexgf is simply too damaged and broken to ever have a healthy relationship.  I'll say it again: There is nothing I could have done to make the relationship work, apart from perhaps becoming her slave and leading a life of misery living up to all of her impossible demands and suffering her abuse.  Sure, there would have been some good times, but the relationship would have eventually disintegrated.  The most painful part is the fact that there was such an amazing, magical time before the breakdown, and I thought this time could continue.  Even though I have recognized that this is completely false, I am tormented with thoughts of how it could have gone differently.  The answer is simple: things could have gone differently, but the end result would have been the same. 

And that is the pure torture that this disorder creates for their partners.  The tease of the good times only to be destroyed by the bad.  And the worst part is that the worst is often preceded by the best. Having those great stretches in these relationships trigger the fear of abandonment that pwBPD have and they usually find a way to destroy the relationship.  Because in their minds, how could they ever have a relationship? How could someone love them?  It is so sad that their partners, like me, did love them, but their disorder causes them to sabotage the amazing love they found because they are so terrified of abandonment and have such horrible feelings about themselves. 

I know all the above I have written is true.  But that doesn't end the torturous thoughts about how things could have gone differently.  Nor does it make me stop thinking about the good times and sadly deeply missing the person who has by far caused me more destruction than any other person in my life. Even though I am several months out with absolutely no contact, the thoughts have not even left me in peace for one single day.