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This is the hardest break up in my life. My emotions go to and fro at an instant. Sometimes disbelief, horror, shock, sadness, anger, hate. I think of what he did all his lies and double standards . His hypocritically ways. It definitely feels like he had control over what he did. He knew every time he was with me that he was living a lie. I wonder what that felt like to him inside? Was he ashamed, scared, or did he just brush it off and considered that I deserved it because he could of painted me black at any given moment. I did a lot of caring and loving things for this guy. And the level of disrespect and disregard he had makes it feel like he had no conscience or love for me.

But then I remember what I said above at the start of my post. All the changing feelings I get each day. The rapidly changing emotions I am stuck with as I process this huge betrayal and loss. And a light bulb kind of went on... .I think that's how they feel all the time. People with BPD have rapid mood swings and changing emotions at any given moment . They can't trust their own thoughts. I remember we broke up in August when he spit in my face after a crazy rage. But two weeks earlier on the 15th of August he was begging me to stay with him. Saying to please give it one more month! Crying hysterically as he always would when I would get sick of his mean harsh comments.  He was acting like a jerk most of this last summer, because I found out later he was with a second gf ready to discard me. 

I think sometimes we look at what they did from a human prespective that is not compromised by their illness. "Normal" people don't do these things. We know this. These break ups are so out of the norm! Not many people in society as a whole will have to deal with such events! No one I know has ever heard of such things . But here we all are dealing with the same relationship endings! I can relate to almost everyone here to some degree! It's fascinating how text book these people with his condition are. So I do believe if we are to get some sense of peace we have to accept that this illness is bigger than anything we can handle or they themselves can handle. I'm tired of over thinking it, them and me. I guess what I'm saying is this mental illness is a serious one. It affects who they are and how they think and what they do. They are acting out because the emotions get too intense for them I guess. I can empathize a little with that now that I feel so many changing emotions from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. I can't imagine living like that daily. Eventually God willing these emotions will settle down and we will heal and move on. They will continue their ever changing emotions that are based in fear. Really even though we were screwed over royally they are the ones who will continue to suffer long term and repeat he same crazy behaviors over and over again in each relationship . They will never feel content or know what real love can be like. It's sobering to realize that they hurt us in ways we couldn't imagine and wouldn't wish on anyone because it was beyond their control or capacity for it to end any other way! They have never been able to have a solid relationship. And they never will. We didn't know that. They couldn't tell us. We will ultimately just have to accept it for what it was. Mental illness is real, and it is their handicap.  It's hard to acknowledge we loved someone who was sick for so long. They tried to hide it. At times it worked and others it didn't. I don't believe they are evil and set out to destroy us. The lies, cheating, manipulating and then smear campaigns. They all suck but I guess that again is part of the wiring in their brains. It really sucks to be in our position . But it has to be 100% times worse to be in theirs! They are human and have feelings and I'm sure they struggle with regret and their shame. We may not get to witness it. But I guarantee that they have losses in their heart. I don't think any human is incapable of feeling these things. I just pray now to let go and to stop ruminating over it. It's done! It's been done! That is where I'm stuck at. Maybe because I miss him still or I'm so hurt . I would love to get to a place of forgiveness and let go . And never look back! That's my goal. Thanks for listening 

Hi Itstopsnow,


I am sorry that you are going through this.    Ending a relationship with a pwBPD is honestly like no other. For this reason, the influx of emotions are completely understandable. As you described, your ex's behavior was a paradox and contradictory. The grieving and healing process in general, is not static. It is normal to waver from depression to anger. 

I wager it must be pretty horrible for someone who lives a lie. Although pwBPD have their own internal hell, it does not take away how you feel or have been affected by their behavior. 


I agree, one of the hardest parts of healing is to truly accept that the behavior is not normal. For me the hardest part was knowing that the behavior was completely abnormal on a logical level, but emotionally I perceived it as normal. I took all the behavior personally and blamed myself. I felt angry, sad, and rejected all once.


This is a fantastic description.  |iiii   


Ruminating is really tough, especially ruminating about the good times. Sometimes it can be easier to think about the negative things in the relationship. When I did that it made me feel temporarily better, but I ended up thinking about the good times eventually. What helped me was realizing somewhere in the middle there was a balance of good and bad times. Accepting the disorder for what it is really helped with that.  From what I gather, it seems like you are moving towards a place of forgiveness. Do you think that as well?

I want to get to the place of true forgiveness . I say I forgive him but then all the anger and rage comes up. I do have moments of thinking of our good times. We had a lot of them. They make me sad and miss him. Bittersweet is the best word to describe the good memories. The bad ones I realize how lucky I am to be gone. I realize now it had to end. We got the furthest along in the relationship that he was able to go. He didn't have the capacity to move further. I told him at 18 months I will make a decision to go or stay. Because we fought so much and I saw he was always in debt and still couldn't find his career. Leaving the priesthood he had a masters and he spoke 3 languages and I thought he's was just figuring out what wanted to do in life. He said to me when I told him about the 18 month mark. That he wished we were only dating at that point 6 months . I guess he wanted more time to figure it out. But in reality it's just more of their lip service. Maybe that caused him to get my replacement that summer. But I'm glad I wouldn't want to be with him for years only to have this happen at a later date. I think the hardest part is realizing you gave all your love, dreams, and hopes to someone who was incapable of giving it back. And not equipped to appreciate and value it for the gift it was. That's the hardest revelation I've come to. I haven't loved anyone in a long time and to have that love go to him and it wasn't received or reciprocated in the same way is very crushing. To know the whole time we dated he couldn't love me the way I thought he was and he didn't experience my love fully. Fear is the absent of Love. And their disorder is based a lot in fear and mistrust  of themselves and others .

When relationships end, we go through the Kubler-Ross grieving process (denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance) and essentially mourn the "death" of a relationship. It is a process of letting go and healing. Anger is one of the hardest stages to work through. In the beginning of the process, people tend to waver between anger and denial. Anger typically starts as confusion, hurt, shock, disbelief, and frustration. The anger can evolve into anger towards yourself.  Working through the anger will help you get to a place of true forgiveness or acceptance.  

This link gives a great description of the grieving process.

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)


I completely agree with you, it is heartbreaking to let go of the love, dreams, and hopes from a person who cannot reciprocate. It is really hard to let go of the person who you thought your ex was and what they would be like if they were healthy. You grieve for that person you first met who was kind and loving. Then somewhere in the mix, there is another person who you really are not mourning; the one who was hurtful. It becomes complicated. It felt like I was mourning half of a person (the one who I first met). For this reason, I think that the end of a relationship with a disordered person is a million times harder as compared to a break up with a "non" partner.

The process is different for everyone and may take time, but there really is a rainbow at the end of the storm. As paradoxical as it sounds, the "gift of the borderline" teaches us to love ourselves more. Do you feel like that too?

I miss J, I do.  But I'm swinging to the anger phase.  I'm not giving her a pass for what she did to me this year.  Will I forgive her?  In time, I'm sure I will. I did 4 years ago when we broke up then.  Of course, I was misled from the start of our second try.  It was a good and bad year with her.  The end, like 4 years ago, wasn't much different.  I read an article the other day and something stood out to me about BPD's:

"And one other thing must be incorporated into your understanding of the BPD. They are in total control of what they are doing.  There is no organic factor or deficit in self control that causes what they do. Their acts are willful and premeditated. They comprehend the difference between right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate, truth and lies, reality and fantasy.

They frequently hold jobs and involve themselves in social situations where their destructive behaviors would quickly work against them. They often perform admirably and demonstrate a respectable capacity for self control and appropriate behavior. Any notion that they cannot help their actions, which you will most frequently hear from BPD’s or the unscrupulous clinicians who profit from their condition by helping them rationalize their behavior, is completely fraudulent."

You know what?  In my case, I absolutely believe that. J has held the same job for 4 years.  She told me she never did anything she didn't want to, that no one made her do anything, that she didn't act out of impulse.  She outright told me she knew right from wrong.  I know it's a spectrum disorder, J may be an exception to what a lot of you have experienced but that article seriously adds perspective to the 'mindset', in my opinion.  We seem to overthink that because they're mentally ill that they should get a pass for doing despicable things to people.  "Rapidly shifting emotions" and "regulation vs dysregulation" is irrelevant.  They can control this in public (a la "mask wearing" yet we accept/let go that they assault us, emotionally or verbally abuse us because they're "mentally ill".  If I pulled the stunt that itstopsnow's did (spitting in the face), I'd be arrested and charged with a domestic assault (and rightfully so, I should be held accountable for that behavior) but we say "oh, they're mentally ill, they can't help it."   That's the lie we tell ourselves isn't it?

Ok. Enough of my soapbox.

It makes sense that you're angry. It's part of grieving and in many of these relationship, there is some over-the-top bad behavior to be angry about. I still have some dark memories.

But be careful - don't let that anger take you to the emotionally immature side of healing with junk articles entitled BPD: Sick, or just crazy ass?  Your hurt is not about unscrupulous clinicians making profit... .now that's crazy.

Everything said in the paragraphs in the quote above up to and including "'We seem to overthink that because they're mentally ill" - is true. After that, the article gets pretty stupid.

What is hurting us is that the ex can shift from being so loving to so uncaring and often disproportionately for the things going on in the relationship. I lived it too. And as the article says, they are not insane. Your ex was conscious of what she was doing - just like an alcoholic thinks he is drinking his last drink, or the obese person is going to start a diet tomorrow - they know they are drinking and eating - and in your case, trashing someone.

Regardless of what is going on in the head of the person with BPD (or the alcoholic or the obese person), - this is where we don't want to overthink - the treatment we experience is no less hurtful, brutal, or confusing. We should feel angry and beat up.  We would be doing ourselves a disservice if we didn't.  We need to feel it, experience, let it out.

The most practical tool we can take away from knowing that it was BPD behavior, is that the disproportionate and hurtful acts weren't so much about us as it was about them. If you were called an incompetent idiot, it's not because you are even if you did something goofy, its because something was going on with the other person and they were lashing out inappropriately.

Seeing it this way is the emotionally mature way to process these experiences.

Make sense?

I understand exactly how you feel.

I sometimes just keep thinking of every little detail of our relationship.   I find it's best just to simplify it.  Try to understand their disorder, and understand . . . that's where all of this comes from. 

Everyone keeps saying ":)ont take it personally . . . "  and it's SO HARD to process that information!

But really . . . we cant take it personally.  It's not us.  I think so many of us have learned to de-value ourselves from BPD behavior, and it's really hard getting the strength back. 

Thanks so much for sharing your insight.   I'm gaining strength when others share their perspective.

Thank you as well... .It's such a hard thing to process and walk through

Yes, what you said makes sense.  I didn't mean to offend anyone here by making reference to the article at hand.  I do agree that BPD is a serious mental illness, I didn't want to cut out the entirety of paragraph when I posted it and left the last part in against my better judgement.  I don't see those as wanting to treat those with BPD as frauds, by any means.

I can see how my post isn't beneficial to the group and if I could remove it, I would do so.  I certainly do not want to cause anyone (including myself) any further duress.  I do apologize to the community for being insensitive with the above post.

Don't apologize. It's no big deal. You know BPD is a mental illness than none of us fully understand. They do know what they are doing and it is deliberate and aware they are hurting us and doing things against society norms. But so much of their illness plays into theirs thoughts, and implusive actions that the healthiest thing we can do as being on the receiving end of this ... .Is too understand it's the illness that runs their life. They have no capacity to function the way we do . It's not easy to understand and at times we can go back and fourth with how much they did intentionally . But you see right there, a healthy person with a conscience that was healthy wouldn't do this to another human being. It's how they get through life. It isn't about us at all. They probably loved us the best way they could, but love doesn't last for them, they don't know how to sustain it or nurture. the best thing we can do is forget them. They don't deserve any more space in our heads. We don't have to feel sorry for them or hate them or wish them bad. Just let it be. That's what I want to do. I know some people can't due to children or shared property and divorce . But even then. Try to forget them. They aren't thinking about us when they are out being the center of attention with someone new

Referencing something you said here.  My ex went silent for 10 days back in september. It wrecked me. No contact, just honestly, no goodbye, Just stopped answering.

It wreaked havoc on my life. Emotionally; everything.

Afterwards she left voicemails. I still have them.

"I'm so sorry, I know I hurt you so badly. I knew what I was doing was hurting you. I felt horrible about it, but I love you so much. I can't ever leave you".

Well she did. On Christmas Eve--- that was the final bomb. 11:45PM Christmas Eve... .She said F Off I don't know what it is but I'm allergic to you. I hate you. What do you want from me. CLICK. That was it.

Sigh.