BPDFamily.com

Entered quick and hard into a very short but intense serious relationship (we believed we were soul mates!) with someone DXd with bipolar II, but who, after two successive "freeze outs" (which he later defined as "splitting" informed me that he thought he had BPD. I disagreed initially. He didn't exhibit reckless -- or seem to partake in -- impulsive behavior. I told him I didn't think it was wise to self-diagnose, that a therapist should do that, and I also felt a new DX would be most accurate when he's not in a state of panic (i.e., symptomatic).

This person and I have a history. We knew each other as friends and colleagues almost two decades ago. We re-entered each other's lives serendipitously and fell in love quickly, pretty much instantaneously. I believed in my heart, my feelings, and his. I had no reason to doubt either.

There were three freeze-outs -- devaluations -- total in less than one month. It was after the second one that he suggested he might have BPD. The third and most emotionally fatal one occurred during a visit. It was during this visit that we consumated our relationship. But the night I shared something with him about my past sexual history (a history that poses no physical threat, i.e., no STDs, nor represents any current behavior), it threw him into a fear response. He shut down completely! I had to suffer the coldness of his sparkless gaze, his gestures that all communicated to me that I was an anathema for 24 hours, that is, until he departed for his home state. He said he couldn't "make the two pieces fit," the me I am today and the sexual activity that I engaged in one week 17 years ago. (Mind you, that sexual activity was above board, transparent, and involved consenting adults.) I explained where I've been and who I've been are not one and the same; sexual experimentation undertaken 17 years ago doesn't define me.

He had encouraged openness and vulnerability and disclosure, and I'm a scrupulously honest person and feel letting someone know my present and past is important for all sorts of reasons - intimacy and safety to name but a couple. Because he "supported" and encouraged disclosure, I wasn't expecting the "switch."

What has totally effed me up, however, is not that the past incident is a romantic deal-breaker for him (prior to this he wanted me to be his wife?), but that he has completely cut me out -- no friendship, nothing.

In spite of all my hurt I have not lashed out. I continue to communicate with compassion. (I realize he's suffering and hurting; I have no desire or need or impulse to 'take him down' or hurt him back.) But in spite of my scruples and consideration I'm deemed unworthy of friendship. This is the part that kills my heart.

Is this BPD?

P.S.: I've shared this piece of my past with every other person I've had a serious relationship with in the last 17 years without incident. I had NO idea it would be received this way. Yes, I understand it possibly representing a core incompatibility -- a person has every right to choose NOT to be with someone because of something they did in their past (even when that act was harmless, honest, transparent, respectful, and involved two consenting adults) -- but that it, in this instance, precipitated my wholesale exile feels like a disproportionate reaction.

Thoughts?

I've NEVER experienced anything like this in my life. To be the "perfect" person one day and unworthy in every way the next is unbearable. The day we tried to struggle through it, I asked him to make a two-column list of my traits, things about me, that he liked and disliked. He said there was nothing in the dislike column! And yet, he still couldn't prevent himself from splitting me.

Now that a week has passed since this event, he's changed his tune. He (upon consulting his sister and brother-in-law, who are social workers) doesn't think it's BPD. And my cavalier style of delivering the news, the timing, he says, leads him to think that I meant to "punish" him. He's cutting me out because I'm bad. It's now only and all my fault.

Thoughts? BPD? What did I just experience here?

I'm a PhD student and can't focus -- I have deadlines and now I'm a mess of confusion, grief, and, quite frankly, distrust (which I suspect I'll carry with me for a while). I can't focus or work! I'm so confused.

hi bellacopia and *welcome*

im sorry for what led you here, but im glad you found us. indeed, it does a number on the psyche to go from "perfect" to "unworthy", especially as a result of you being vulnerable and honest. what you describe does sound like an issue with object constancy, a difficulty seeing a person as an integrated whole with both good qualities and flaws.

we arent professionals and cant diagnose, but we can look at traits, and you know this person better than anyone here. having said that, most of our exes are undiagnosed, including mine. i think youre in good company.

im sorry to hear youre struggling with such all consuming confusion and grief. have you considered seeing a therapist as you work through this? do you have friends and family you can also lean on in this time? i think members here can very much relate to your story, and in some cases understand what youre going through in ways that others may not, but having a strong support system in place goes a long way. we are happy to be a part of that :)

Thanks for the warm welcome. I do not have inner-circle friends nearby. They're all out-of-state. (I phone them.) I do have a few quality friends around, but I'm usually their anchor; they have their own chaos going on, so they're not emotionally available or all that helpful. The 'breakup' just happened one week ago, and I only today received confirmation that I'm not only being cut out temporarily but forever; so, it's all very fresh. I have been in touch with a crisis counselor on my campus and have an intake set up for next week. Meanwhile... .can't focus on work. Worst pain ever.

that sounds like a pretty good support system to me. friends may not understand or be emotionally available, but just having loved ones around goes a long way toward feeling less alone. seeing a crisis counselor is a great idea, im glad thats available though im sorry to hear you cant see them sooner. i can assure you that you can lean on us, we are here for you 24/7.


i find it helps to talk. would you like to share more of your story with us?