BPDFamily.com

It's one of those days for me hence why I've started so many threads. Have any of you ever reached out to there family to let them know what's going on? I'm aware that this won't help me. But I feel for her mother at the very least she's the one closest to her and the person who loves her the most... .on second thought I now feel like I shouldnt. Why are my emotions such a roller coaster sigh. They all believe it's just chronic depression. Despite the pain the hurt I've always wished I could just take half her pain so she could be ok. Ok don't even know why I wrote all this haha but it made me feel better

I think I can understand why you want to inform her family and recruit their assistance in helping your ex.  It's hard to see someone we love suffer, and naturally we want to end it.  Like so many things about the disorder, however, the outcome may not be what we expect.  One of the largest problems in getting someone with BPD into therapy is the overwhelming shame that they already experience every day.  Pointing out that they have an incurable condition that destroys relationships with everyone they most love is profoundly difficult for anyone to hear.  When you already have this massive burden of shame it is too much and serious dysregulation follows.  You may very well find all of that shame and self loathing projected onto you, and you are painted pitch black.

There is a very good article on the site (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a106.htm) that goes into further details about the best way to help someone we love seek treatment for BPD.  It is important to recognize that this is our loved one's disorder and their recovery.  They have every right to control the direction and pace of that.  Indeed to be effective it is important that this is something that our loved one not only freely chooses but are determined to achieve.  Recovering from a mental illness as serious as BPD is a major accomplishment.  I have the highest respect for those pwBPD who take the step to begin improving their lives.  It is a very frightening and painful process.  Recovery is absolutely possible, but our loved one has to choose it for themselves.

I can only tell you my personal experience. I towards the end reached out to my exBPDgf's parents; twice about her suicide threats, and finally I sent her Dad a long heartfelt email explaining she has real problems; which I had begged her to seek treatment for (see anyone, a psychologist, just for evaluation); etc, That I loved her but was so worried about her and didnt know what to do or how to help.

It pretty much fell on deaf ears. I never even got a response. To any of my contacts. Yet in person they seemed to always like me.

I would recommend asking yourself what you expect to gain; for you and for you as a couple, and for her, and if those expectations are realistic.

In closing, I think what I realized is that the apple doesnt fall far from the tree (most likely). And that my ex's BPD stemmed from, perhaps... .her parents.

I could be wrong. And I'll never know. But I thought it was very strange that when my ex said she was going to slit her wrists; or jump off her apartment building (and then hang up and disappear for days, turning off phone) - that her parents didnt even return my calls of absolute concern about this. That they never once reached back to me.

Because my parents; the 1 or 2 times my ex went nuts and called my Mom or Dad (yup she did) - my parents?  They talked to her. Returned her calls. Responded. Followed up with me. But my parents are amazing loving people. I never really knew hers too well.

I've calmed down some since posting this. Thank you so much for this I think you're right

No problem and good luck to you. I know what you are going through is VERY hard. I too am going through a very rough time. A whole range of emotions. One minute I miss her warmth, like when falling asleep, other times, I miss the friend, just watching a movie or going out to eat. I miss making love-- for sure, I can say she was the best lover I'd had. All of this, this loss, of something so important, and the way she literally discarded me, lied to me, disrespected me in the end (I did bad things too I am by no means innocent); but in the end was "ok" with just literally just saying buzz off, and never talking to me again, after 5 years... .was well the greatest shock, loss, and painful moment of my life. Amazing how someone you love, and trust, can end up being the worst thing that ever happened to you.

But there are some sayings; getting back to the parents. They say girls marry their fathers (or men that remind them of their fathers). Men look for women like their mothers; in terms of qualities. I think this resonates with our deep longing to go home. Because we lose that as we grow up.

I feel that every day. I own a condo. Its very nice. It has big screen tvs, all sorts of gadgets and toys, nice furniture... .but I do feel homeless. My parents are retired now in a place I didnt grow up. And I live in a city where I did not grow up. So homeless is really how I feel, especially now, because she was my home, not this box I live in.

But those parents; we are in many ways reflections of them... .our parents. If she has all of these issues. Her biggest influences growing up, the two people who were always there (or never there); were her parents. They shaped her. Her formative years.

We shape our children (when we have them). We mold them. Great care has to be taken with that responsibility. If she has these issues; don't think her parents are "like you", or "like your parents".  She was molded by them in more ways than you would like to think. And many of her issues, I would think- she learned from somewhere.

There's a great line in the movie Garden State; where Zach and Natalie are for the first time bonding as they swim together in a pool one evening. Zach says... ."Maybe that's all a family really is... .A group of people that all remember the same imaginary place, that no longer exists".  It's what makes my family my family; we share the memory of that place that no longer exists in this time... .it's gone. We're still a family, but the home is gone.

Unless you have an exceptionally close and loving relationship with them. I would tread carefully. Again, I called her parents nearly in tears... .I can't reach her, she's threatened to hurt herself. Please call me back. ---- Nothing. I'm sure they called her. She said "its fine hes crazy". And they didnt even bother to get to the real bottom of it.

Because the truth is... .she threatened to jump off a 10 story building. I didnt dream that. Amazing to me. Shows me one thing: Her parents dont care about her. Because if someone called me... .And said "MY" child said that. I would first call "MY" child. Then likely call them, regardless of what my child said.

Either way; I would not just let something like that go. But that is who her parents are.

Sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is . We fell in love with a person who basically is destroying themselves and everyone else who really love them. I sent my exs sister a long letter and copies of our FB messages for hope that she will step in and get my ex help. My ex was diagnosed as Bipolar at 14 , but her behavior/ actions never added up with the disorder and that leads to her being=Misdiagnosed. She fits BPD to a capital T! She has 9 of all the 9 symptoms to be diagnosed BPD. I sent my letter out last Friday and did tell my exs sister I did not want anyone contacting me. Just please get her help. Now who knows if it will fall on "deaf ears" I guess I will never know.