BPDFamily.com

I'm really interested in knowing what other's do to look after themselves and stay sane in the face of such adversity?

I have been in the tidal wave of my dd's BPD for some time. I realised I was codependent with her - was such a revelation when I first stumbled across it 2 years ago and I thought I would get better but then after a few short months of learning to be less codependent our dgd, my dd's dd, was left at our house and we fought for, and gained custody of her. My dd then spiraled out of control and with everything that all that involves I have been consumed by her.

Fortunately, but of course very painfully, I realised at Christmas I still very codependent (was I ever not? No there was a glimmer I might learn not to be, but then things got very confusing and stressful and I yet again became consumed by her.)

So now I'm having therapy, reading books (currently reading Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist which is eye opening), turning my phone on to silent while at work, doing daily meditations and when I'm with my friends to focus on our relationships rather than recount the drama/traumas regarding my dd.

It is often said on this board we need to "take care of ourselves" so would really like to hear what that means  practically and how other's do this?

Thanks

Hi donnab

I got so caught up in what I saw as a battle with me as the saviour. It got to the point where my own behaviour got crazy. My BPDs couldn't cope with me! My friends were so supportive but quite honestly sick to the back teeth listening to me harp on about him and problems. I was in a very bad place and completely lost. So I went to families anonymous for about a year.

What I learnt is that:

we need to live our own life

while we give them the dignity of living their own and this includes making their own choices and mistakes

tough love

We can't change someone else's behaviour, only our own reaction to it

This was my first but critical step in giving him up. I learnt a lot and am forever grateful to the loving and supportive group. I chose to leave when I realised that I was turning up each week talking about BPDs. I got emotionally and mentally stronger and thought "if I'm to live my own life then why am I here each week talking about BPDs?" I stopped going. With hindsight I should have stayed and focussed on the tough love which I found very hard but I guess I wasn't ready.

So these are the things I've done to help myself:

Joined a running club ( stopped going)

Got a new job and gained new skills

Gave up work, went to college part-time doing art & design

Discussed our own desires for life in retirement and got a financial package in place

Did our will (need to do this again since BPDs diagnosis and we still have a minor)

Joined a slimmers group (lost 24lbs) but my dad died and I couldn't cope and put it back on

Will start 3 year degree in September that will take me to retirement age.

We've also had a holiday just for the two of us (first time in 23 years). We liked it! And have since had a few city weekend breaks. I make sure we have a family holiday for our younger son (without BPDs).

I realise how fortunate I am to not work at the moment. If we can't manage then I'll get a part time job doing something menial. I've had a career and have no wish to go back. I've made new friends, have a real interest in art history and found art very therapeutic. I have my own purpose now.

I decided 3 days ago to go back to the slimming club. I will lose weight.

This will also help me drink less. I noticed that nobody has mentioned their own weaknesses in this area. I'm the first to admit that I've needed it to help me through sone very dark times, I have a healthier view on it now.

I guess what I'm saying is:

My changes have been big changes.

I've replaced one obsession with another but healthy obsession (art)

We are happy, we want a relationship with BPDs and aren't strong enough yet to cut him out but if he was to walk away we'd be relieved and left to get in with our lives

I hope my experience helps somebody.

Any advice on tough love, gratefully received!

L

This is great Lollypop thank you. I think it will be helpful for me, but hopefully others too, to know in real terms what that phrase "look after yourself means".

Funny I had a career supporting vulnerable people, and predominantly people with mental health problems. I lost my job suddenly at the end of June - like literally returned from holiday and was pulled into a meeting and asked to leave  :'( and as I was driving home received a call from a hospital to say my mother had died. My mother had drug and alcohol issues and I suspect undiagnosed BPD. My childhood was horrendous and we were estranged as after years I could no longer put up with her abusive behaviour. These 2 events threw me into a very dark place, but of course I was available again to my daughter almost without limits. But anyway since then I have had some time to think about whether I want to continue in this field and after 4 months of not working I have taken on 2 part time roles, once of which is at a pub working for minimum wage. Despite really living hand to mouth it has been really good for me not having the levels of responsibility I had before, going to work does not cause me anxiety anymore. I go there, do my job, work hard but leave it without a thought at the end of my shift.

Funnily enough I literally decided a couple of days ago what I want to do, and it is still staying in the mental health field, but possibly would like to work with carers rather than the people with MH issues. I am going to return to university to do a masters in clinical psychology. However I realise I need to work on my own emotional resilience before I am going to be in the position to return to the field.

It's literally been 3 weeks since the realisation that I am stuck in this perverse cycle and I feel already I have made a lot of progress. I have been doing EMDR mediations twice a day which have really helped. I have unfollowed my dd on fb so I get to chose when I see what is going on in her life and the bizarre things she posts and I saw my next step in my carer clearly for the first time in 7 months. Just crazy how the fog of being consumed by someone else can make you stop being a person!

Am very jealous you live in London as no such luck as a FA group in my area. And I can so relate to my friend's being sick to the back teeth of my obsession with my dd, I've lost a lot of friend's because of it. But alreayd I can start to feel my personality coming back  :)

Hi donnab

Your post fills me up to the brim with pleasure!

I've given up FB for a while. I found the "happy family" posts put me in a bad mood. I also am not stalking my BPDs.

I live in the rural south west and was very lucky to have a small FA group. It's sadly stopped now I think. There's meetings all over the country and they have online support too. It's obviously for loved ones of drug abusers so may not be completely relevant. However they do some good written booklets very affordable. Their booklet Tough Love is very good and only £3.

It's rural where we live and it's like being in a bubble. We are trying to make more of an effort and have plans to have a one date night each month. Last night was the cinema and a meal in a restaurant we haven't been to before. It was just great.

Also my New Years resolution is to do at least one new thing each month. Nothing expensive, perhaps silly but definitely just for me.

My friend went to uni as a mature student and gave up her "proper job". Working in a pub worked really well for her and she said exactly the same thing as you. Actually, in all her years of working her most favourite job was in a cafe.

I think a bit of re-evaluation is very good for us. I watched an excellent film a couple of weeks ago called Hector and his search for happiness. I've forgotten the name of the actor but he was the guy in Run Fatboy Run. Highly recommended.

I'm just thrilled you've got hold of yourself. Enlightening and exciting isn't it!

We all have an obligation to be happy

What's EMDR?

It's a form of therapy for trauma. It stands for eye movement desensitisation. Not sure what the r stands for Google it x