BPDFamily.com

So I will try to make this as concise as possible. Here are the characters of my little drama:

SO: His ex has BPD. He has a 14 month old child. He is facing a double felony for false allegations of domestic abuse to her and the child. She has a restraining order against him except for peaceful contact to exchange the child for visitations. He and the EX were NOT married. She abused HIM (which is proven by a police report of a public scene she threw in which she assaulted him in front of three eye witnesses and attempted to harm the child. It is on record she lied to the police and told them she was a victim of domestic abuse. He did not press charges at the time, believing her to be truly sorry for her behavior).

The Ex: Has diagnosed BPD. Has three other children she lost the rights to and has zero contact with. My SO's daughter is her fourth child. She has full legal custody of the child. She lives in a low-income studio apartment complex that is intended for the mentally ill and ex-convicts. She is on full disability and lives off the state. She also does not drive, own a car, or has ever driven.

The legal system:

They have had an emergency hearing in which my SO was granted visitation. It only accounts for 10% of the week (by hours) as she is claiming she is breastfeeding. Due to the restraining order and the criminal proceedings (of which he is informed enough to know not to take any bargain), the cops have failed to help him on occasions of which he has called them asking for a welfare check of the child ( saying he is violating the restraining order and they could arrest him).

The tangible evidence:

He has includes video recordings of her erratic behavior, pictures of bruises after incidents, horrible horrible texts that she used to try and blackmail him (including saying the baby was dead), and the medical records of her numerous admittance into hospitals for suicidal behavior. 

Since I've come into the picture, eye-witness events:

-The baby has had months long diaper rash. A third party must be present for both parties to exchange the child (like a hostage exchange) yet she comes without a third party most of the time, except for the times when she brought a very distinctly homeless man. Or multiple different men that did not appear to be homeless (at least three different men, four in total). She has demanded clothing for the child (despite two previous bags of clothing my SO has given her on behalf of the child) and when we gave the ex all of the childs new christmas clothing she received from family (which easily equated to 12, if not more, different outfits) has chosen not to have her wear any of them (that we can tell). She consistently dresses the girl up in lavish dresses, tutus, halloween clothing, or these black boots that are 4.5 sizes too large and subsequently the child's gross motor skills seem undeveloped (E.G. Barely crawls or cruises, does not walk, etc.). Has made multiple claims that we have not buckled her safely into the carseat and has to be precisely this tight,  yet on a recent visit she had visible marks/small bruises on her shoulders form the carseat. The baby has a milk and lactose allergy, yet the mother has drank coffee with whipped cream on top on multiple occasions in front of us (she's breastfeeding, remember?). She consistently comes to us with very wet diapers. She has come to use dehydrated and lethargic to then drink over 25oz of liquid, consistently. She once came to us with half a hamburger bun as her 'treat'. She did not allow my SO to have her on christmas eve or christmas, despite having ZERO family for the child to see and consistently tries to ensure his family does not see her (E.G. She is sick and the doctor has ordered she go straight to your house and is not to go anywhere else).

The event that brought me to this board:

Saturday:  The child has massive diarrhea several times during the short 4 hour visit. Upon returning her, the mother informs my SO that she child has been really sick for days. When he asked her why she did not mention it, she shrugged her shoulders. Sunday: The child again had massive diarrhea so much so, that we had to give her an emergency bath and were consequently late to drop her off.  When my SO texted her that we would be late and what the situation was, she informed him that she had dinner plans and we better not be late. When we dropped her off (only 15 mins late) my SO tried to suggest that perhaps she cancel her dinner plans as the child needed attention due to her condition. She claimed the dinner was at her house. We left then to go eat dinner with my SO's parents. As it happens, the way back to his house from her parents is past her apartment complex. She was leaving with the child, in heavy rain in the dark by herself, less than 1.25 hours after claiming her dinner plans were at home.

I need HELP.  What can I do? Should I hire a private investagator? I'd call CPS, except my SO's sister has done so on several occasions and they have told her that the "Ex's case is pending and they have it under control". The court system has failed my SO and continues to fail him everytime because of this woman's constant lying and manipulation. Above ALL else, I'm greatly concerned with the welfare of the child and what amount of neglect she endures on a daily basis.

So I ask again from those that have been here... .WHAT CAN I DO?

The DV charge is certainly troubling to hang over his head, but what's the risk of reporting to CPS himself? It sounds like you have everything well documented. It may be seen that he's doing what's in the best interest of his child: addressing possible neglect. Have you reached out for support from a therapist, who may be able to better guide you?

I agree with Turkish that a call to CPS is necessary. Even if ultimately CPS doesn't do much, at least if things get worse your SO can say he tried to get the child help earlier through CPS rather than doing nothing. Unfortunately, until your SO can get this situation and this documentation in front of the court there isn't much else that can be done. The more professional eyes your SO can put on this situation in the meantime the better.

Also, your SO needs to take a good look at his life and how he's living it and make sure he is prepared to explain to anyone who asks what is is about him and his situation that makes it better for the child to be able to spend more time with him. Breastfeeding is a poor excuse for keeping a visit down to such a short period of time when a mother can just express milk into bottles so your SO should not take that as a final answer.

How awful  :'(

It's so hard to hear stories of blatant neglect and what seems like an indifferent legal system.

One thing you could do is look up the CPS training manual online -- some states publish them. You will be able to see the decision tree very clearly about what constitutes abuse or an actionable claim, and you may be able to quote back to them what their professional and legal obligations are.

It's sad, but a lot of people who work in and around DV and child abuse seem to get numb and burned out. I wonder if that's happening in your case? The police may not be doing a well-child check because they assume that your SO is acting on sour grapes. A lot of people use the system to fight each other, and the police get caught in the middle, and grow tired of it. Doing a well-child check should not be contingent on whether or not there is an open case pending about DV. Unless they mean the CPS investigation?

It sounds like your SO's first order of business is to deal with the double felony counts. Once those are cleared, does he intend to seek more time with his child?

If you decide to get a PI, it might be worth asking a lawyer (a short consult) how that would play out. I do think there are lawyers out there that don't want to entertain the thought of false allegations, so you might get a more clear strategy if you get them to focus on the well-being of the child, including the part where the BPD mom has already lost custody of 3 kids. You might get more traction with a "father's rights" lawyer -- they are more likely to be open to the idea of a false allegation.

It's nuts that you can't get a professional to check on the welfare of the child.  :'(

Keep plugging away. Sometimes it just takes finding the right person. I discovered that there are law police officers who have social work degrees -- they tend to be consultants or get involved in child abuse or DV incidents. I called 3 different police officers during a visitation period when my son's father was having a psychotic episode. It lasted through three shifts so it was a fluke to find her, and she's the one who helped offer information about what law enforcement could/could not do, how things would go if I did x or y, how to handle a situation like this if it got worse, what worse meant, what to do if it happened again, exactly what the officer would do if he went to the house. The first two officers were two dudes who were more into handling the situation by walking to the door and pounding on it, and figuring out what to do when they got there. I needed a plan that showed me they had some idea about mental illness and a sense that they cared what might happen to my kid  :'(

Also, just wanted to say -- it's a good sign that she is diagnosed BPD. That will make it a little easier, although I know it probably feels like nothing is easy at this point.

I would ask the court to order a full custody evaluation. It's expensive but worth every penny. All of these things will be brought to light and addressed. It should be that mom has little to no custody, and at 14 months, I believe from what you have said that the child would be better off weaned and in the care of adults with better skills to handle a young childs needs.

these things she are doing are negligence and exposure to homeless men are dangerous for such a young child if mom is picking them up at random then who knows what?

diarrhea can be a serious and life threatening illness in such a young child.

I urge you to try to get someone involved that can report to the court, like getting child assessed while with dad, for example a creditable third party like a therapist to see what clothes child was wearing when dropped off, if she had a rash, was sick, and her motor skills, verbal skills, etc. overall general condition.

I would even say take her to the ER if you get her severally dehydrated again. This can be documented and they would need to report to CPS.

Thank you for the replies. To answer some of the questions and a little more info:

the questions:

1.) About the call-in to the police, he was told that because of the restraining order he wasn't allowed to call for a well-being check of the child.

2.) He is attempting to clear up the criminal mess but he is having his lawyer keep delaying proceedings hoping she really f***s up so that it will be guaranteed that he wont be charged. They offered him a plea bargain of 2 DV misdemeanors at  the most recent court appearance but of course he said no.

Events leading up to the DV case:

This one astounds me. Literally. I only have his side, of course, but the more I read about BPD and know about his EX I truly believe him after (truthfully) being skeptical.


1.) My SO obtains a restraining order to force his ex to move out of their apartment as things are that bad (abusive physically and emotionally).

2.) He learns of her pregnancy and that she is living in a shelter.

3.) My SO invites her to move back in with him. She develops pre-eclampsia.

4.) Is bed ridden and sick right before and after giving birth birth due to the eclampsia. My SO is taking a lot of time off work to unsympathetic bosses or leaving early because she needs his help. She has begun to use the baby as blackmail to get what she wants. (IF YOU DONT COME BACK RIGHT NOW, I"M TAKING THE BABY AND LEAVING!)

5.) He is fired from his job after a few months of this due to the large amount of time he has taken off. This is when I meet him, as he has begun to stay out of his own house for long portions of the day because of the forms of abuse his ex (who has gotten better by this time) is inflicting upon him.

6.) Again, he is allowing her to stay in his apartment because  he doesnt want his child living in a homeless shelter. Since they were not married, she has always had full legal custody.

7.) She  leaves without telling him while he is gone one day.

8.) She eventually comes back after a month.

9.)Repeat process (1 month there, 1 month gone) for four more months.

10.) He serves her for full custody of the child.

11.) A few weeks later of escalation behavior from her from pleading to blackmail to begging to threats of hiring someone to 'take care of' him... .we get to the day of the altercation. Since she doesn't drive, my SO had to take her everywhere. The stroller was left in the trunk when he had left the house earlier that morning. She began texting and raving at him for hours until he went back home to give her the stroller. She assaults him upon entry several times. When he doesn't respond with any reaction, she proceeds to go into the baby's room, take her out of a sound sleep, stand at the opposite end of the hallway, and proceed to tell him "If you love your daughter you'll catch her before she falls" and drops the baby on the ground in front of him. They are then in an altercation, as he is trying to gain physical control of the child to get her away from his ex. Once he has her in the crib, he realizes that his cell phone is back in the front room and is assaulted repeatedly going back for it. HE IS THE ONE TO CALL THE POLICE!

12.) When the police come, she tells him she is the product of domestic abuse, was being beaten, and feared for her life. He is arrested and jailed for three days and charged with a double felony.

My SO then takes her to family court on an emergency hearing,  where he is awarded visitation. The baby is assigned a lawyer. The investigator who interviewed both the parents, their interactions with the child, and so-on found that the mother was perfectly fit to have the child and recommended to the court she keep full custody DESPITE my SO telling her about the other children she lost rights too, the police report in which she assaulted him, and the medical records of her bi yearly admittance into the psych ward at various hospitals. The investigator also does not call a single person he lists as an eye witness to her behavior.

My SO feels just so helpless, because he feels like nobody believes him about what occurred.

It's SOO frustrating and stressful, especially on the three days he does not get to see the child. I worry about her constantly but it seems like literally nobody of any power can help. Anyway so here are my questions:

1.) It was suggested that a creditable third party check her out. Such as a pediatrician or a therapist? Will the information documented be considered in court?

2.) How does he persuade the court he should get more visitation time?

3.) I have not called CPS myself, as I do not want his EX to get any of my personal information as I'm afraid of what she is capable of doing. Will they give her my information if she asks?

4.) He can't hire a PI because of the restraining order, at least that's what his lawyer has told him.

Oh on more thing:

A recent incident occured in which we picked up the child. She had a scratch on her face, but we didn't say anything to mom. We had not had her the day previous. I had taken pictures of dad and baby when he last had her and (surprise) no scratch. When we dropped her off she proceeds to berate us about "why does the baby keep coming back with scratches on her face? What are you doing to her?". I contacted a lawyer asking how to protect myself if she made any allegations against me. He informed me that I should take a time-stamped picture of the child when we pick her up and drop her off, as well as document when we file down her nails (I mean really, the scratch on her face was probably like 95% chance of being self inflicted and was not a cause for alarm).

I'm all worked up again. This is an incredibly stressful and tolling situation. Thank you to everyone that has answered me.

If he called the police, there ought to be a recording of that.  I don't know how long they keep recordings but he should try to get a copy.  It may not help prove or disprove whether their was abuse or by whom but if they both claim to have called and his call is the only one on record, then her claim would be suspect.  Sadly, courts are very reluctant to call a person a 'liar'.  Usually you'll get 'unsubstantiated' but rarely 'unfounded' or 'not credible', courtspeak for liar.

Breastfeeding is an excuse.  Millions of mothers go to work for 8-10 hours while breastfeeding.  They express their milk and store it in refrigerators, freezers or hand the bottles over at exchanges.  Breastfeeding claims are an emotion-based excuse designed to sabotage the other parent.  Maybe the court will go with it for the first few months but by 6 months or so when baby is starting to eat a variety of foods, it needs to be a non-issue, she can express her milk as a bonus and include it in the exchange.

I don't know the legal aspects, whether the prior incident where she was abusive in public has any weight since it wasn't pursued or the fact that she's lost custody of her older children.  Long term, though, he has a good possibility to get custody if he can avoid getting a bad record now.  Definitely he should not accept a plea deal, they almost always include admitting to some level of bad behavior.  Either get the case dropped or face a trial seeking to be found not guilty, perhaps insufficient evidence, claims not credible, etc.  Do you have Bill Eddy's essential SPLITTING handbook?  He explains the backward logic, you can't claim innocence if you take a plea deal.  However, even if you lose a trial, you can still claim innocence.

Just want to let you know you're not alone.  

Bill Eddy always says these are not just difficult people, they're the most difficult people.

And on top of everything, she manipulated the system when it sounds like in no way should anyone have believed her.

Keep posting, it does help. And keep taking care of yourself, even if it feels selfish. It's easy to feel drained and empty in these relationships and it's super important that someone in your situation can keep a 30,000 perspective, and that's only possible if you take care of yourself.

Guess who's diaper rash is back in full force. When brought up to his ex, she claimed the child was teething. This was an excuse the last time he mentioned it. Why is it she can never take blame for herself? Despite the diaper rash being a constant part of the child's life for three months now... .(comes on and off but the last time we had her was the closest it had come to being completely gone).

Not only that but the baby was fussy the entire visit with us (we didn't blame her, and have her a bath and lots of "airing out" time) and it worries me to the core about how her mother deals with the same situation. She has a history of being violent and what happens if she gets overally frustrated and strikes the child?   

Trying to convince my SO to take the child to ER on the next visit... .

Mother won't do anything.  Never has, no reason to believe she ever will.  No amount of reasoning will convince her to change her ways, she's not listening, you and your SO are simply too close to her for her to let anything get past her perceptions of all the emotional baggage.  So getting a professional involved is the next step, the ER will provide documentation.

However, when you do go to ER, go at the very start of SO's parenting time.  You don't want her to be able to claim D was okay with her and SO dropped the ball.  Don't tell Ex in advance either, sharing information will just enable her to find a way to sabotage you, blame shift onto you.  Notification afterward, okay, not before.

Yes, as in pick up the baby, look for the rash. If its there drive straight to ER. Make it clear you are concerned that this is  chronic problem and that you are only going to have the child for a short period of time before she is returned to the household and caregiver that allowed the rash to get this bad. State emphatically you are worried about NEGLECT. Make it clear that the baby seems to not be herself and is acting like her pain has gone unheard up until the time you got her.

Let them take it from there. DO NOT CALL uBPDm from ER.

Some people fear the ER is for life and death only. It is also there for those whos best interests are not going to be met by waiting for medical attention. Like waiting on a DR Appt date or time to arrive. They handle all types of situations. Your DH should not worry its not extreme, those rashes can be excruciatingly painful and tramatic for a child to bear day after day.

In my area, and no doubt many other areas as well, children's services can get referrals from the professionals (professionals have more credibility than us) if they suspect or detect substantive (1) child abuse, (2) child endangerment or (3) child neglect.

You will not be viewed negatively if you have the child assessed.  Well, the Ex will complain, but that is to be expected.  Actually, there has been some comment here that we risk being seen as neglectful ourselves if we don't report neglect, abuse or endangerment.

What we have here is that SO is not viewed by Ex as having any authority or credibility.  That's her perception.  She won't change her perception no matter what SO tries with her.  But... .if he finds others who DO have authority that Ex can't dismiss or ignore, then that changes everything.  He should be able to get better treatment for his child.  He would also be able to start a trail of bread crumbs documenting Ex's parenting — or lack thereof.

That said, when he describes the situation to the nurses or doctors in the ER, he needs to make sure it is written down that this has been a pattern, not a one time event.  That ER report or log is something he can obtain later if ever needed for court.  It could even help him if/when he seeks to be more involved in parenting.  He won't get more from his entitled and controlling Ex but family court is, after all, the Real Authority.

This is what I was told when I made a police report for a different issue regarding my D3. Though I set a whole chain of events in motion (it was remarkable, really), I almost felt like I was going to get into trouble because I waited to report. Once the professionals had it, things were out of my hands. At the end, it boiled down to both parents as having responsibility for keeping our children safe. Luckily in my case, we could work together.