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I recently had a relationship with a pwBPD. It ended about a 1-2 weeks ago. We never officially said it was over. I didn´t do it because I am out of the country and I wanted to do it personally when I came back, but it seems like he returned to his ex girlfriend in the mean time. Now, the thing is... .I have no idea why I feel so crappy. I can´t seem to concentrate on anything else and I´m totally unproductive. Why is that? Could it be because we didn´t really have a closure? If I talk to him about it what would be the best way of doing it? I suppose non-accusatory... .I still can´t talk to him face-to-face though because I´m still in another country, so that would have to be over FB... .

Thanks!

I'm having the same. Not having proper closure eats you up from the inside. It's been a year since my ex dumper me now, and I'm still looking for closure, a reason, anything to help me move on. SHe never gave it to me, instead i got called the worst names possible by the person that loved me, when all i did was ask for a reason, and a proper closure. If I can give you an advice, TRY to get closure, talk to him, as soon as possible. See how he reacts, if its positive, good. You may find closure and it will be alot easier for you. If he reacts like my ex did: by getting mad, denying, and blaming everything on you? Then stop the contact immediately, because it will cause you alot of pain and maybe even PTSD (like it did cause me).

I hope this helps,

Stay strong, and much love

Thanks!

I also feel a bit guilty for leaving him due to mental illness... .I feel like maybe I haven´t tried hard enough... .but then again, he´s so destructive... .and I feel like I would never achieve anything in my life with him... .

I wrote about the story also here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288985.0

Could someone please explain, was this what I attached below really my fault or was this just his way of "testing" me... .what I hear BPDs do?

"About 4 months ago I met a guy who I liked. We seemed to have a lot in common (both are musicians, etc.). On the first day that we met he told me that he lives with his girlfriend who is not his girlfriend anymore and he is looking for a new flat. From that I understood that he is also interested in me and is telling me in this was that he is available.

After that he was texting me every day, later on we were seeing each other almost every day and spent a lot of time together. He was telling me everything, we were holding hands and hugging, but he was never making a move, even after a month. I started feeling frustrated for being somewhere in between, so I confronted him about it. He said that the break up with his ex was very fresh and that he is not ready for another relationship and that I should give him time. I was like ok. But, he kept with the same behaviour, holding hands, etc. After awhile, I told him that he can´t play with me like this, he should make up his mind if he wants us to date or JUST be friends. He then gave in and we started dating.

After that things started getting worse, he would pick fights with me (he would call it "discussions" and the freqency of fights just kept increasing. He was justifying it by him not being ready and he placed the blame on me saying how I "forced him into the relationship". I told him that it´s a stupid sentence, because if he wasn´t ready he could have told me that and not try to get closer to me, etc. He then said "Yeah, that would have been rational, but I wanted you!" It feels like he has no emapthy or insight. "

I understand how you are feeling and so sorry you are going through this as well. My BPDh (soon to be EX), did the same to me and my children (they are not his kids). Completely abandon our family after 7 years. Since I insist on NC for my safety, my therapist recommend I write a letter to him that I would never mail. I have been writing it for weeks... .LOL! However, I can tell you I have found closure in that process as it has forced me to write about his BPD NPD behavior and how toxic it was for me and my kids! I hope you find some closure.  Hugs!

Hi lala42, it is completely understandable to feel the way you do. Not only is it a breakup, but they got back with an ex immediatly. Bpd or not anyone would be upset about their ex doing that.

Try not to feel guilty, I bet he doesn't feel guilty right now. You did the best you could with him.

In regards to your question about whether this was your fault, from what you said it definetly was not your fault! As you said you asked him to decide between you and the other girl, you did not force him at all you gave him the choice and rightly so because he wasnt being fair.

When I am out, and someone else is in, I feel like crap about myself. It brings up old wounding of not being good enough. So then I go to the game of trying to figure out how to win favor. It's a horrible place to be in. I've learned to stay away from that kind of toxic pain. We deserve better, however, we seem to pick people who will do the most damage or bring up some of the worst old wounding. Seek help for yourself. Save yourself. Leave him behind.  My experience: This journey with BPD or whatever label we want to put on it is bigger, deeper, and more damaging than I ever knew.

Thanks for all your replies!

I´ve contacted him and we talked and it was ok. He seemed kind of angry because he was giving sarcastic comments, but that´s fine. It could have been much worse. I´m thinking he could be mild to moderate BPD.

Yes, but I have also been breaking up with other non-disordered men and I´ve never felt this way. It´s really seems like they are emotional vampires and they damage you subconsciously.