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Title: Struggling with my boundaries Post by: unicorn2014 on January 18, 2016, 03:19:14 PM Wanted to continue my discussion from my DEARMAN thread. I know radical acceptance was recommended as the tool. I wanted to further develop a post that was made: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289094.msg12721736#msg12721736 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289094.msg12721736#msg12721736) Excerpt Unicorn, I get that you're not mad about now, you're mad about what happened earlier. I wasn't suggesting that you need to clarify boundaries because you're mad. Boundaries are not about responding to anger. They're about setting terms on which you're willing to engage under the actual circumstances that obtain. I'm not commenting on your new info right now--I know that was your topic--I'm commenting on how your fuzziness about what they current rules of engagement are going to be while your partner's divorce filing is still pending. There do not appear to be any clear known-ahead-of-time limits now except you won't let him visit. Is that true? I'm saying you need to know what the limits are, and be consistent in applying them, or intermittent reinforcement dynamics kick in and he will have zero reason to believe you will enforce any limits. And thus, incidentally, much less reason to proceed with a divorce that he has some resistance for whatever reason to pursuing. When I set my boundaries with my partner they were under different circumstances. Since setting my boundaries with my partner my d15 has run away 3 times and she is currently missing again. I am sure there intermittent reinforcement dynamics kicking in. I'm having a really hard time holding my boundaries right now as I did not plan for my d15 to escalate her behavior at the same time I set boundaries with my partner. He is doing his job, he is filing for divorce, he is actively working with the people involved in his divorce, which are not just his wife and her attorney but also one of his business partners. I am reviewing this post again: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0) I also wanted to open this thread up simultaneously. I have opened up a thread on the parenting board to deal with my d15 issues so if you want to discuss those please do that there, I'm trying to keep the two issues separate. |