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Relationship ended 3 months ago. We had just a mutual discussion about me starting to save for an engagement ring. 2 weeks later and out of the blue she asked for the dreaded time and space. She has had a miserable home life with 2 much older parents who put down her self esteem at every turn.

When we met she told me she was in the process of trying to break up with a bf for several months who wouldn't take no for an answer. I was her knight in shining armor bc he was emotionally abusive. She had wanted to cheat her way out by constantly throwing herself at me but I refused. I said we will until it's completely over and gave her Valentines day as an ultimatum date. Either you celebrate with me or I move on. She told me they were done officially and we had a fairytale two years together or so it appeared. In truth it was very codependent on my part.

She constantly had aches, sickness,  and bouts of depression which I played the hero to all while she never really did much for me. At one point I was low on funds student teaching and rather than help us out by working a 2nd job or more hours I had to put the whole relationship on credit card and that includes any vacation we ever went on. When I'd ask her to work more or get a 2nd job she claimed how hard she try but couldn't get one bc of bad credit. While she was on occasion very emotionally supportive there was little else except great sex and all that goes with that.

She slept more hours in the day than can one humanly imagine. She claimed to only be able to sleep when I was around because I was comfort zone. I was completely sucked in. Fast forward to the end of our relationship. She had a pet die that I think caused a portion of a breakdown. It led her back into drinking, smoking, and other drugs she said she did in the past. I also had a feeling she was seeing someone else but she denied by saying the guy was only a friend. She went to a concert with him which I begrudgingly agreed to because she said she'd have let me go if I had a female friend.

That was the last night we were bf and gf officially. She came home and seemed to be avoiding me. I called her on it. She said she needed time to find out who she is because she hates herself, the voices inside her say she doesn't deserve me, and that she was born a mistake and will die one. She coupled this with suicidal remarks to me which made me try to convince her that she did deserve me and she is a good person. This continued a few weeks until she asked me to meet her. She told me she had a 1 night er with someone at the bar and that I had to forgive her and she was sorry. Against my better judgment I forgave her because of the times she was going through and hoping to work it.

Fast forward two weeks later, I try to go out to a bar with friends of mine and she was with the very kid she said she had zero interest in and just a friend. Then she saw me and put her head on his shoulder and nose nuzzle him in front of me. I was furious and my friends dragged me out of the bar before doing something I'd regret. I berated with texts the next few days and she admitted that the 1 night stand was a lie which blew my mind because that tore me apart. But then proceeded to lie even more about their relationship. Mind you this was a person who just a fee weeks prior pledged their undying love to me yada yada yada. She fits all BPD waif characteristics to a T. Really sucks to be the codependent one. And I work with the b___ which makes recovery worse.

I will try to give u the best advice I can . What ever u do don't goo back. When I say I am speaking from experience. It will be worse

Co-dependent, or you took her at her word, which anyone might do?

What's the contact situation at work, are there problems?

I work with my ex, too. It's a rough spot to be in. You're not alone in that. It hurts everyday but I'm trying to get better.

Not problems per se... .but I don't get almost panic attack caliber anxiety when she walks by or is near my classroom. She is a mobile therapist (of course). I become a much worse teacher when she is near my classroom. She told me she would find a client at a new building, but I think she'll stay to stick it to me.

What you're feeling is completely normal. Like you and Anez, I work with my ex (diagnosed, medicated, and allegedly in DBT) pwBPD.  When I have contact with her, I feel anxious.  After all, we had a deeply personal r/s for a year.  We were both married when it started and we also had a past before that (3 years prior to the start of the affair, before she was diagnosed).

You said you were in a r/s for 3 months before you two talked about saving up for an engagement ring.  In hindsight, does that seem really quick to you to be discussing engagement/marriage?  I am a romantic.  There's no getting around it.  I could see myself having a life with J quickly.  She was everything I wanted... .or so it appeared.  The reality to that is there are multiple sides of her that I didn't even know about.  This past year for me, when I write it out, has been a ridiculously wild roller coaster that I didn't see because I was on it.  It turns out I knew only a part of J, that was the part she let me see.

I still miss her, the her I knew, I mean.  What happens is we become trauma bonded and addicted to them.  They activate the "reward" sensors in our brain like any other drug.  And just like a drug dealer, once they get us addicted, they start going up on the price of a hit.  When we can no longer pay for that hit, they leave and we end up going through withdraw symptoms.  We'll do almost anything for just one more hit.  I liken my r/s with J to that of heroin mixed with nitroglycerin.  I knew (and know) it's bad for me, it's going to blow up in my face at some point but I want that hit just one more time.

I am DNR with J.  I still talk to her and sometimes I ask personal questions to help me.  Mostly it's superficial stuff, but every now and again I see that J I love.  I don't make any bones about the fact that I do love J.  I just know I can't be with her.  It's bad for me.  Someone pointed out that I shouldn't even talk to her because it's still activating that "reward" sensor (any contact is "good" contact, if that makes sense).  That could be true.  I mean, why else talk to someone who lied to me repeatedly, cheated on me (irony, yes), manipulated me, and then threw me out like the garbage for no legitimate reason. 

Take it one day at a time and relax.  You'll move on at your own pace.  There will be setbacks but remember they are temporary.  Go to a good therapist as well.  I am going and working on myself.  These r/s take more out of you than you know.

I wish you the best on your journey of wellness.  I am secretly wishful I could have been one who discovered they are with a toxic / abusive / unstable person before having kids or getting married. 

If you read your own post, you have all you need to know that it is time to let her go.

Yeah, to answer both post above... .We dated about 2 years before discussing engagement.

And yeah I'm definitely going through a drug withdrawal. She was my high. I miss her deeply, but I could never forgive for what she did... .but sometimes I felt best when we did talk even to argue about how messed up she was and ruined everything. I'm dating again but I'll be damn ed if I don't compare her to new women. And work is brutal... .because she hides her depression so well at work... .She smiles in the hall at me and others while I want to rip her throat out or hug her it's tormenting... .but always so helpful to know others who've been there.Thanks

Trauma bond.  Read about it.  I'm being serious, you'll see a new perspective.  I have no doubt it's why I 'feel' the way I do about J.

So.  I read your story, and it's the same as mine.  Verbatim.  Exactly, the same.

I just quoted the parts that resonated most with me and my situation.

Same stupid games.  The "emotionally abusive" relationship that they just "cant get out of" because their partner wont let them . . . and we let ourselves be completely duped because we buy into this game. 

When I look back I'm so disturbed how I was used. 

It's emotional rape.  Period. 

Do not go back.

I read about trauma bonding and I can relate 100% . . . it's scary and sad.

I've also noticed I tend to associate pain with love.  Almost "if it doesn't hurt, its not love". 

I think this comes from severe emotional and physical abuse as a child.  I think it's affected me and made me co-dependant in loving relationships,  something I'm figuring out and trying to correct. 

I refuse to let this experience be for nothing.  I must learn what healthy love is.

Much love to you both.