BPDFamily.com

I always turn to this board when I'm in the dark desperate times. I figured I would post one while I was in a good place.

I'm getting used to things. It's almost 70 days now NC. I still hear things from her Ex, so I'm not completely oblivious to how good things 'aparently' are going with her new guy, but I've gotten a lot of clarity on who she really is and what our relationship really was. I went through old texts the other day because I was getting them off my phone (to archive away from where I can see them. I will decide what to do with them later. Prob delete them, but I can't do that just yet), and it is so clear how shallow and self affirming our relationship was. Everything was a pseudo way of having me affirm that her life is better now than it was with her ex. Practically everything was about her.

I've gotten out and tried to keep busy in the interim. I'm being as social as I can, expanding my circle of friends and meeting all kinds of people. There is a woman I'm interested in on some level who is at least keeping my thoughts off of my ex. It's dawning on me that real relationships are out there, and they have the potential to be better in every way than the one I had with her. That is encouraging.

I've also been doing small projects. Things that interest me. I'm finding that it is slowly bringing real interest back into my life, and I can get a sense of excitement and joy again.

As a primitive metric, I haven't cried miserably in probably a week. I consider that a good sign. I have zero confidence that I won't be back in the darkness again, but at least I can enjoy this in-between time and appreciate that it exists and can happen again.

I'm trying to keep busy because I know that otherwise I will be consumed by this crushing sense of loneliness. I have never been as lonely in my whole life as I have been in the past month. But right now it's ok.

I'm reading books, doing workshops on love addiction. My confidence is much greater than it has been in a long time after understanding my sense of low self-esteem. I'm reaching out to old friends and making new ones. I allow myself to grief if necessary. I'm not running from my emotions but trying not to get bogged down in unhelpful rumination and constant focus on her. I sometimes notice large stretches of time where it will dawn on me that I hadn't thought about her all that time. It's encouraging.

It's slow, but there is movement in a positive direction.

NC has been the real key for me. There is no way I could clear my mind if I was still in that gravity well of dealing with her in my life at some level.

It's a long road. I don't know when it will end, if ever, but at least I have hope again. like Andy says in Shawshank, "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies".