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I was going out with her for two years wen she left me for 3 months nd then came back... .We got things going again for over a year with little on and offs I between but then she left again nd contacted police to stop me contacting her... .Will she return again or is it me just being hopeful... !

There is no guarantee in these situations, in my experience, I'm afraid.

I understand that this isn't what you want to hear ... because you clearly miss this person. And,

I feel for you ... it isn't easy, pleasant or settling.

The best thing you can do is leave this person alone until they decide to reinitiate contact ... which you should take very, very slowly if they do.

If this person does show many of the traits of BPD/NPD ... then it is likely that they will come back dependent upon how long you've been together and what qualities they will miss about you. Having said that you will need to handle things very differently from past interactions.

A good place to start is to give them space and use this time to read through all the lessons on this site.

All the best and I hope things work out for you.

Caley, your advice is spot on. I have been NC for awhile and I really miss the person that was good. He was very sweet sometimes. I have been trying to make excuses to contact my exBPD but realize that is not a good idea before I do it. I am about ready to post my own topic but wanted to say thank you.

Hello Joel, 

Finding reasons to contact or stay in touch is just some feelings of insecurity arising in you that we try to assuage by reaching out ( or 'leaning in/on'.

You are & always have been a whole and complete human being ... there is nothing that is missing and there is nothing wrong with you or anyone else, for that matter.

You hold more power in you than the person who is causing this distress. Trust the silence of no contact ... and appreciate the dictum ... , 'silence is golden'. Go about your life ... it is yours ... it is all you have in this waking state.

They'll find their way ... it isn't anyone's 'job or responsibility' to remedy something that cannot be understood ... it is, however, very liberating to realise there is no fruit in the pursuit of understanding what cannot be understood.

Great that you're 'no contact' ... have you felt more settled? I look forward to reading your post.

Best wishes.

The Borderline comes back when they feel like it and only on their own terms. Mine came back dozens of times. But when I tried to go back she would ALWAYS say no/it's over/it won't work etc. Looking back, she always needed something when she came back, usually financial assistance of some kind.  But I didn't care, my state of euphoria to have her back was so great I would do anything. I don't know if they all come back only if they need something. Honestly, I think needing something is just their way of getting you to prove that you  love them and will not abandon them.

So will she come back? Mine still would reflect on her only great boyfriend prior to me and I could guarantee that she would have called him up had he not been married, even though she was 3 years removed from that relationship. They remember the good ones. The good ones loved them the most, which is what they wanted, but which is what they feared the most, that is why they left us: the engulfment was too great.  But that is also what they will miss which is what will probably bring them back at some point. But go on with your life as hard as it sounds.  This is a great life lesson and a chance to learn more about yourself in ways you may never again.  

Unfortunately, unless they are committed to therapy the cycles will repeat. BPD does not just disappear.

When your replacement gets tired of their shyt and there is no one to turn to... .

they they MIGHT come back.

In my experience if I tried to contact her when she wrote me off I was met with restraining orders and told she felt "threatened" and feared for her life.

BPD's do not process things as we do, at least not emotionally. Anything you do, well intentioned or not can be taken out of context as harassment or a threat.

Stay NC and work on you. Read these boards. Think really hard about if you really want to repeat the chaos you went through because it is very likely the same patterns will repeat.

You deserve better.

PW

My cat is like this. Affection when she wants it only, can't pick her up, she has to jump into your lap, etc... .which, once you realize it's a one-way thing, is forgiveable and workable... .

doesn't work with a primary relationship, perhaps... .the cat I don't rely on for any warmth. It's superficial.

Is this painful craving and longing you feel for your ex love? IT IS NOT? It's just a distorted version of "LOVE" You had to accept as a kid. real love is reciprocal,constant,nourishing,comforting and safe. it never feels dramatic,painful or tormenting.

Yes, my ex do it ... .When it fits her needs on her terms , when she needs you , that is narcistic supply or an object satisfying her needs, just like you need a washing madhine. It has nothing to do with you in the sense that she cares about you, only her.

The BPD will always be there for you, it is a matter of time when her rs ends, she will have to triangulate or warm up a new subject, but the best is to warm up already processed food she knows (you) a person predisposed. A BPD rs is more a thing that is hard to get rid of , they never give a clear cut end, they collect attachements not persons, more is better and more secure.

The question should be: what is it about you that needs to carertake and become a codependent part in another persons disorder? If you shall fix her, are you a trained terapist? If not you are most likely worsen her condition  and not least strenghten your codependent unhealthy patterns by playing them out in a rs. The combination is deadly destructive for both of you. Caretaking between adults is unhealthy if its done extensively in an adult-child manner.

Who are you really trying to fix, and why? Are you allowing your boundaries to slip and think you will be paid back with love? Have you learned about boundary reinforcement ?

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