BPDFamily.com

Hi guys.

After 10 days of no contact I reached out one last time.

I'm going on a date saturday night but felt a bit guilty because I'm not officially broken up with my suspected BPDgf.

So I tought to give it one last try before doing something I might regret.

I send a text asking her if she wanted to go get a cup of coffee saturday afternoon.

She replyd "I think I have time for a cup off coffee if you come to me. I absolutely dont want to come over to your house YET? Will you bring my sweater that I left?"

What do you think I should read in this? (keep in mind its a rough translation)

The fact she asks for her sweater could mean she is not planning on comming over ever? But She says YET? But olso ABSOLUTELY?

The fact that She finally wants to meet is great but I fear its only to break up with me. Even if so I get closure right.

Any tips on how to behave on our meeting? I was thinking greeting her with a kiss on the cheek? Try to keep it casual and not bring up the state of the relationship unless she does.

Just planning on having a good time with no obligations on either side. And not to ask her when I see her again. Just say it was nice to see her again and that i had fun and leave.

Hello Davy,

Some of my posts on this board have been a little bit harsh/blunt, so I am going to try to ease up a bit.

In regards to the ex, well I wouldn't expect any more or less than what you have in the past.

People can change, but usually only comes when one wants to put forth the effort.

She might be asking to reconnect, but I wouldn't expect behavior to change if you catch my drift.

I saw your other posts and now this about going on a date.

That's fine, but be careful. One can't make a relationship work if you have some in your back pocket.

Meaning you can't be all in if your not all in.

Be mindful of your heart and the heart of others. It's never quite fair to have it be in two or even three places at once.

Heal your heart and mind.

That's all the advice I can give. Either way, things do work out. Hopefully it doesn't sound too harsh. I can be a bit biting at times.

Cheers.

I should cancel the date no matter how it goes with my BPDgf.

If she does dump me I'll be in no state to date anyway and if it goes well than I'm going all in with her.

And tryingsome dont worry about being harsh with me. I prefer the hard truth over the sugercoated version. I can be a bit naive so its good to hear it from others.

You asked her to have coffee with you, and she agreed. YOU asked HER, so you should set the tone in this meeting. Her response sounds cautious, but willing, but is also very passive. "Sure, I'll have coffee with you, but I'm not going out of my way - and also, bring my sweater so that I have a reason to justify seeing you."

Honestly, I think that after 10 days of NC, and with you lining up dates with other women, you should go into this trying to establish clearly where you two stand.

That's the plan maplebob.

I'll be leaving to see her in half an hour so wish me luck.

I'm gonna be completely honost about how I feel and where I would like this to go. I'm gonna suggest to see a relationshipcounseler.

I'll try to be as validating and compassionate (but not emotional) as I can and just see how she responds.

If she responds badly I'll just tell her I'm gratefull for the time we had together and leave with my head held high knowing I did the right thing.

Ok

Just got back from her.

apparently everything is cool between us. She doesn't think its a big deal that she ignored me for 3 weeks. She wants to continue the relationship.

Now I get that she needed a break but the way she treated me during was very disrespectfull. Not sure what to make of all this.

Wow, interesting! It's definitely strange behavior to dip out of a primary relationship for three weeks and then act like it's no big deal. I'm glad you two are talking and that it went well, but I'd be really cautious. Something happened to cause that break, and you might try finding out what that was all about, and then validating her feelings about it and making sure it doesn't happen anymore. That might be your responsibility here. Hers is to communicate when there's an issue.

how did it go in the meeting? So curious! It is so rare to get a good outcome like this!

Well it was a strange meeting.

She opened the door with a smile. I brought some of her stuff with me so first we put that away and started talking casually about work and stuff.

At some point in the conversation I asked her how she was feeling. The first 2 weeks she felt very sad and scared but the 3d week she felt a lot better.

She said that I had done nothing wrong but she just had a bad feeling mostly because we had put to much pressure on our selfs and lost ourselfs and started fighting al the time

(I agree).

Also the fact that her cat was not allowed in the livingroom (I'm allergic) bothered her very much.

So I brought up the fact that I'm seeing a therapist and asked her to come with me. She will think about it.

We agreed to meet up again next weekend for dinner and a movie.

I stayed for about 2 hours and felt it was best to leave.

She hugs me and kisses me and we say goodbye.

An hour later I texted her to say it was good to see her and that she looked great. No response.

I have no idea what to think about this.

Now I'm starting to doubt she has BPD but she sure is acting strange

Something's not adding up here, Davy, it's just a feeling I have. Wanting to step back from a relationship to assess is fine, but you genuinely didn't know if you two were still together? That's a red flag. You two could definitely stand to work on communication. This thing with the cat allergy is also a pretty bizarre justification for not talking to someone for three weeks!

Keep coming back here - we'll do what we can to help you figure this out. I think your situation feels hopeful. Just out of curiosity, how old are you two?

I'm 31 and she is 30

Last night I texted her to say goodnight and she seems to be totaly ignoring me.

Why would she say she wants to continue the relationship and meet again next weekend and then ignore me again.

Should I go nc again until next weekend?

I suspect everyone of us on these boards thinks our situation is different and somehow the advice given for everyone else does not apply to us. I know I did. The keyword there is "did". The more space and time you give away from the situation you are in, the more likely you are to see it is not that unique from most of the stories on here.

Having said that, it really appears you need to step back from her, most likely for more than just this next week.  I am sorry, but it doesn't appear she really is capable of giving you what you want right now. The more you have to analyze every movement/action/nuance, the more likely you are to be hurt.

As someone else said, keep on posting though. We are in this together!

How involved was your relationship before this incident? This is truly strange behavior, and I empathize with how terribly confusing this must be for you.

For more info on my relationship with her reed my 1st post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288412.0

Right! Thanks for the reminder... .

Davy, I think that saving this relationship is going to require you to pull back a lot. She seems very on-the-fence about what exactly it is that she wants from you, and I get the feeling that you have very little control over the situation in terms of getting her to meet your basic relationship needs. You could probably keep it at this confusing, vague, wishy-washy level for a long time, as it doesn't seem like she wants you to leave - but she doesn't exactly want you to stay either. YOU are holding the relationship, and she seems to come and go from it. That's not your fault, by the way - and that is very BPD.

So how should I aproach this?

I was thinking about not making contact until saturday because we are supposed to go out to dinner and a movie.

Or should I not make contact at all untill She does even if it means the date on saturday is off?

I think that you should wait until Thursday or Friday to contact her to confirm the date on Saturday. Then go and have a really great date with her. See what happens after that.

Bpd or not, I'm confused by her :)

She seems very selfaware but is always giving me bull___ excuses.

For example last saturday I told her that her ignoring me makes me scared that she is about to dump me.

Her excuse was that she is not checking her phone all the time and by the time she reads the texts it is late and she does not want to disturb my sleep.

And now she is doing it again. Plus those reasons for leaving: me being to quit and the cat thing. I'ts just absurd.

Anyway I'll wait untill friday to confirm the date and set a time.

On the date I'll avoid talking about us and just try to have a good time and hopfully she will have a good time too

Would it be a good idea to  bring flowers on our date?

she loves roses and  I want the date to go perfect but I dont want to overdo it

Hi Davy. I've been following your posts. I really hope the weekend goes well for you.

A little feed back on your posts.

You are appearing to hold this woman as the bee all and end all of your life. Your emotional rock. Like your life would go under without her. Thats a lot for anyone to live up to and would personally make me run a mile.

The things women love in men are... .confidence, independence, funniness etc... My friend you are not displaying any of these things at the moment.

In stead of thinking... shall I bring her flowers, when will I confirm date, where shall we go, what shall I wear, what will I say... why don't you make yourself as busy as possible this week with as many fun things you can find to do. When it gets close to the weekend message her to confirm then go and do more fun things then turn up on your date. I gaurentee you the date will go better.

Can you try to stop making this person your absolute everything? It's a big turn off for a woman. We can sniff out desperation from a mile off...

Guess that means no flowers

Thank you Lou12 for your honesty however is it not kinda normal for me to feel a little desperate right now?

I really love her and truly thought she was the one. We even talked about marriage and stuff and suddenly this happens.

I get I need to come off more confident in her eyes but I cant change the way I feel about her. She is on my mind every second of every day (and night).

I do try to keep busy however and it really helps.

Not saying that you are wrong here, just trying to get my head around it all.

And I'm seeing my therapist on friday to deal with my codependent traits.

Sorry Davy I didn't mean to be so harsh. I'm arguing with my BPD because I'm not very validating lol (wonder why   )

Suppose what I am trying to get at is... you can try hard to be a certain way but it doesn't work. It's all about having a certain mindset. Keep going with your therapy, that's fantastic that you have took a stand for yourself.

Yes I understand your desperation, I've been there to. This site has been amazing in helping get out of that mindset. Keep posting and talking to ppl.

I wouldn't ask you to change the way you feel about her, I'm just saying for you to try and not make having her seem like a life or death situation. That's a lot of pressure for you both.

I am rooting for you for your date that all goes well. Don't give up on healing yourself and knowing your worth :)

Apols again if my words seemed to come from an act of uncaring, that was not the case.

No apolagies needed. I value your input

Its why I'm here

Thank you

I'm considering telling her that as long as she is treating me in such a disrespectfull manner I don't want to have anything to do with her.

I understand she can't show affection at this point but I do deserve a little more respect.

Tell her I'm moving on with my life and just see if she contacts me again or not

Davy your doing it again my friend! Your looking for her to fix you or react to you. Don't do it, focus on your self and it will change your mindset about needing to say these words to her and needing to hear them.

It lies with you to fix you, not her.

Apols if I'm being harsh again

Nothing harsh about that

I just thought that it would let her know I'm not letting her walk all over me. I feel like I'm being played and disrespected.

Plus it seems healthier for me not to be around her as long as she is in this state?

But If you say its a bad idea I'm gonna take your advice :)

Maybe in stead off telling her I should try to make it my mindset? Stay away untill she is more reasonable?

I would tell her your not letting her walk all over you, show her.

The thing I have learnt with boundaries are that its pointless making demands about what you will stand for when you don't follow them. Boundaries are you values on things you absolutely won't budge on, no point having them if they can be moved as that's not really a boundary if you get me.

Have you been reading everything on the site? Ppl with BPD/traits think a totally different way than a non so I absolutely get that you feel disrespected and played.

If you really want to attempt saving this relationship then get some advice and lessons from the staying board. It takes a lot of hard work, self reflection and practice as I am learning myself.

Only you can decide if it's best for you to be around her at this time. You've got to stop reflecting on what she needs/thinks/wants and focus on how you feel and how you wish to react.

*wouldnt

I have been reading alot. I'm also reading stop walking on eggshells. It's just so much to take in and goes against my instincts.

Also my own emotions switch around alot. One moment I'm sad because I love her and miss her like crazy and the next moment I'm angry because off how she treats me.

Luckely my anxiety from the first 2 weeks is now completely gone as it was crippling me

I definitely wouldn't put out any ultimatums unless you want things to get worse.

I'm going to repeat myself here because some things bear repeating:


You're actually one of the lucky ones here who hasn't been completely pushed away, or outright dumped. You have a chance to work on your relationship IN the relationship. I think you'll get more traction here by keeping it simple. If you want to bring up talk about your relationship, make it about her for right now: "Is there anything I can do for you? I can't do much about my cat allergy, but I can open up more/be less quiet/etc." Other than that your value right now is in keeping scarce and making sure to wow her when you're communicating or hanging out.

Yes, she's acting very distant, very far away, and very disrespectful - I totally feel that, and it's enough to drive a person nuts. Don't let it.

Thank you for keeping my morale up.

I'm really happy I found this place. I would have been totaly lost without your support

You are absolutely right. I still have a chance and should listen to you guys if I want this relationship to work (and I do)

You have no idea how much your support and guidance mean to me.

I'm just kind off a mess lately. I'm having a lot off trouble sleeping and that is making it hard for me to think clearly

I think we all remember being where you are ... .And some of us still visit there once in a while!

Not really sure what is going on with me. My emotions are all over the place.

Yesterday I had a really bad day, felt completely depressed. Almost started crying a couple off times (at work no less)

And today I feel really strong. Feel like I learned a lot and am ready to make this work. Also very excited about the date tomorrow.

Hopefully I can hang on to this feeling at our date and I'm confident it will go well :)

Later today I'm gonna text her to confirm the date and time so hoping it gets a positive reply. Have not had contact for almost 5 days.

Also have an apointment with my therapist today and am actualy looking forward to that as well

I texted her "Shall I come over to your house at 5pm tomorrow and go out to dinner?

She replied "I'd rather not. I'm feeling very bad. It was a ruf week at work and in my head. So it will depend on how I feel tomorrow. Why dont you come over for cofee in the evening?

I hope you understand?"

I have not replied yet. How do you guys think I schould reply?

I was thinking: Ofcourse I understand. If there is anything I can do I'm here for you. What time would you like me to come over tomorrow?

Would that be good?

That's great! Thumbs up.

Thumbs up Davy :)

It is saturdaynoon here. Still have not heard anything back from her.

Hoping she will ask me to come over later today.

Anyway she is in total control and I intend to leave it that way for now. I'm not texting anything

I have done all I can. For now I can only be there if she wants me to be there

Are you prepared for her not contacting you at all? I think you need to toy with this idea and think of a strategy for how you'll deal with this should that happen.

Her emotions are hers. You have to accept that she may be feeling open to see you today or she may not.

Yes, I understand that.

If She does not contact me at all I will try to keep myself from contacting her for 2 weeks and then just send a text to ask how she is doing.

Just got the following text from her

"I'm going over to my mom for dinner. I really need to talk to her. I'm feeling very bad and dont think it is wise to force anything between us right now. I'm really sorry. Maybe you can still come over when I get back. I will let you know"

So I answer "Thats ok. You dont need to worry about me. Just take care of yourself and say hi to you mom from me"

I got another text "You have your therapist to talk to  while I used to beg you to talk to me. And now with a stranger you can talk. To me this is very painfull"

then another text "I am hurt and disapointed. I'm really sorry but I cant pretendI want to be honest with you and describe how I feel"

Me "Me visiting the therapist is about improving my communication with you. If you want to talk? I'm here."

What does this mean? Is it good that she is talking about these feelings or is it bad?

I think it's great news that she is attempting to communicate with you but what's even better are your responses! Well done Davy, give her space now to let her come back to you. Do not panic... :)

she sent another text "that is not how it feels to me. Do you understand my point of view."

Me "I understand that it makes you feel sad. If there is anything i can do to make you feel better? you can ask me anything"

Great. Not sure what other more experienced members would say?

I'd be inclined to use a little more sympathy such as 'I am sorry you feel this way, it would never be my intention to hurt you'... .

Should I send her another text to show more sympathy or would it be best to leave it up to her now?

I also think it is fantastic that she is talking about her feelings.  My advice.  Don't text her anymore.  You have set the tone.  You are there for her if she wants.  I would let her reach out.  Texts can be misconstrued with anyone.  Anyone.  Careful with the texts.  In person convos are best.

Are you open to being transparent about your therapy process with her? It sounds like she wants you to be more vulnerable with her. I would say that one more text would be appropriate, your responses are great thus far, and keep up the validation. Something like: "I'd be open to talking to you in person about the things I discuss with my therapist. It's kind of too involved to text about, but if you'd like to meet tonight after you see your mom (or another *specific* time that *you* suggest), I'd love to tell you all about it."

Ok I send her 1 more text

"I'm sorry that I cause you to feel bad. That was never my intention. But I understand how it must feel to you. If you like I'm happy to talk about my therapie with you.

I have no secrets for you."

Now I await a reply :)

I am pretty sure I'm not going to see her today.

Its 8.40 pm here and  I have not heard anything.

Luckely I kinda suspected this and am not taking it to hard

Hey Davy,

It sounds like you are centering yourself even as her boat rocks and rolls. That's important for the relationship.

She likely feels anxious over things that might not even phase you or me. And then a loop of self-loathing starts that can be paralyzing -- she feels anxious about dinner, or anxious about you talking to your therapist about her, a sense of foreboding she can't quite name, overwhelming pressure to show up meanwhile knowing that her feelings are intense and her wants feel like needs, she's going to disappoint herself, disappoint you, etc. It's an emotional roller coaster, and your work is to stay grounded, not get on the ride.

I think you did a really good job holding steady  |iiii

One small suggestion is to use validating questions wherever you can. Statements are easy to disagree with, questions give her some problem-solving duties that can take the focus off you. "I understand how it must feel to you" can easily become (in her mind) "No you don't, I'm different -- I know deep down that there is something wrong with me, and I hate myself and you will eventually hate me too." Whereas, "Is there anything I can do to help you?" or "Would it help if I (name something you can do)?" is a little less one-way.

Does that make sense?

Still have not heard anything. I'm hoping she will reach out today and wants to see me.

According to your reactions this seems to be a very hopefull stage?

She seems to be scared and maybe ashamed/feeling guilty. Does this mean she is returning to base level?

What can I expect at this point?

Hopefully I can start posting on the improving a relationship board soon :)

Look at the patterns you're experiencing now: we talked, everything is fine, now she won't talk to me. Decide if it's what you want forever. It's not going to change. It's a hallmark of the disorder.

Hi Davy

First off I just wanted to say well done for how you handled yourself yesterday. Did it make you feel empowered at all that you proved to yourself you remained strong and centred at a time when you were hoping to get some resolve?

With regards to things improving, that's the million dollar question that we all search for! The thing is with BPD it's about accepting that this is the way it is! So whilst it may look like the scales are slowly dipping in that direction, within a minute the can rapidly change. You can't blame yourself for this especially when you are working so hard on validation. Maybe look at radical acceptance and try and understand the situation as best you can.

I totally understand how frustrating it can be. What I am learning is that I also need to take responsibility for my own actions. My BPD bf has just recently ended our relationship. After a chat we agreed to take some time out. I have recently contacted him and we agreed to take a trip together. Within 2 hours he was ignoring me again. What I learned from this... .I did not respect that he had asked me for some space because I needed him to make to validate me when I started to panic about if he'd come back. I lured him in with a holiday. This was a desperate atempt on my behalf to put things right and look to him to calm my own abandonment issues. On reflection, I deserved what I got. I didn't respect his need for space. I manipulated the sutuation. I didn't accept that he does not have the ability to validate me. I tried to run to him to make the situation better... .something he can't offer.

I think I've learnt my lesson that I have to respect ppls feelings. They are not mine to change. And I have to accept his non ability to help me with my feelings.

I hope this makes sense? For me it's about absorbing and processing more about radical acceptance. He won't change, I can change and either accept that he has BPD and all that goes with this or move on to another... I choose to stay...

Knowing that I am doing everything I have learnt I need to do gives me some comfort regardless of the outcome.

The last 3 days I have been able to detache myself from her. I no longer see us as a couple. I cant control her, only myself.

I still love her and want to work things out but for now I'm at peace working on myself and letting her deal with her issues.

I'm here for her if she needs me but if it all goes down the drain I know I did the right thing and kept my self respect.

It will hurt like hell if she ends it but its not the end of the world. Right now I can make peace with it.

I'm now in a good state for the both of us  I believe. Lets hope I can maintain this state and not fall apart again

Good I am glad you feel this way.

Now ask yourself the questions you asked this morning... .there is no answer

I've read your story and it is good to see you arrive at a place where you are feeling able to accept the outcome no matter what.


At some point, we all come to a place where we make decisions- to stay, to move on, to tolerate behavior, to decide we have had enough of it. This place, and the decisions, is very individual. BPD is not the only aspect of a person, and it is a spectrum. While there are behaviors that are common, people with BPD can be entirely different from each other. So your decision is yours alone to make.


What tends to be consistent with people are the rules of behavior. For every behavior, there can be a cost and a payoff. People will continue a behavior so long as the payoff is higher than the cost- even if the cost is very high. People with addictions can continue to pay a very high cost for their behavior- physical damage, families, relationships, but addictions are very hard to stop.

There are several ways for behavior to continue by reinforcement. Positive, negative, and intermittent. Intermittent is the most powerful reinforcer because it reinforces a person to keep trying again and again, because sometimes the behavior is rewarded.

Your GF, or ex, as it is, has shown you who she is. She isn't doing anything wrong- in the sense that, what you see is what you get with her. She is inconsistent, sometimes responds, sometimes does not. She's going about her life as usual, while you seem to be in agony, waiting, hoping, for some contact. Then contact-- followed by despair. Since she doesn't respond on a regular basis, this is intermittent reinforcement. So far, it seems that the thrill of possible contact is greater than the cost of your despair.

While the focus of your threads is on her- what to do next, some kind of chess game- her move, your move, the other side of this is you. You have a choice. Do you expect her to one day realize that you are amazing and that she will change her behavior once she sees this? One important question is are you expecting or hoping she will change if you do the "right" thing whatever that is?

The truth is, we have no control over someone else's behavior. They are who they are. IMHO, your friend is being exactly who she is. She has set the terms for your relationship. She controls it. If you are willing to have a relationship with her no matter what- that having a relationship with her is worth the emotional cost of waiting to hear from her, making dates and have her break them- then this is your choice. It is the whole package. The feelings you have are yours to deal with- and that is something you can work on with your T.

The other choice is to decide that this is not the kind of relationship you want- that you want a relationship with someone who can be consistent and reliable, someone who also shows you that they care about you. However, to have this relationship, you may have to decide that it isn't with her- because you can't change her. 

There has been discussion about ultimatums not working. That's because an ultimatum is directed at her: change or else. But why should she change? She is who she is. Your choice is about you. By owning your choices- you take your part of the relationship in our own hands, and make it about you, not her.

Ok, I get the feeling that you are saying it would be best for me to end this relationship myself?

For now I intend to keep the door open for her but not come knocking on her door anymore.

I am not sure what I want/expect from this relationship anymore. I am just willing to see where it leads us and if we can have a managable relationship.

I realise that the woman I fell in love with is not real but She is a great and wonderfull person that I will not give up on so easily

Davy - I think what I am trying to say is that you have choices. One of them is to end the relationship, but I don't think that is what you want at the moment. I think I am trying to promote the idea that you have choices - and that owning your choices also means owning the cost of that choice.

You can choose to leave the door open for her. However the cost of that choice might be to be somehow holding on to the hope that she will walk through it. Some people might be OK with that, and some may not.

You mentioned that you have been considering dating other people. To be fair, as long as you hold the door open for her, you are not able to really commit to someone else. That may not be a problem when initially dating, but it makes you not completely available for someone who would want to be with you.

Another aspect to consider is what is it about you that is attracted to someone who behaves like your friend? If you are not aware of these reasons, then it is likely that the next relationship could be similar. We attract and are attracted to people who match us emotionally in some way. If we want a different kind of relationship, then we have to take steps to grow emotionally- and that takes some personal work.

While it might be seen as a step towards healing, dating others could also be a way to escape your painful feelings. In this case, we don't grow emotionally. Being single in between relationships is an opportunity to make personal changes that could result in emotional growth.

I'm not telling you what choice to make. That's entirely up to you. I am proposing that the dynamics- the intemittent reinforcement of her interactions with you may be playing a part into how attached you are. She isn't doing this on purpose. This is who she is. But being aware of how this kind of response affects other humans, you may gain some insight into your attachment. I am not making either of you wrong. She is just being the person she is, and so are you.

Yeah the dating thing was wrong and I did not go through with it.

I am not in a place right now to start a new relationship. To be honest I was hopelesly looking for comfort but I feel much stronger now.

I cant say at the moment how long I will keep the door open for her. At some point I must realize its never going to work out but I'm not at that point yet.

Maybe in a week or month. cant say but this situation cant go on forever without some improvement

Part of "saving" a BPD relationship is accepting the emotional rollercoaster she experiences without getting on it yourself.

We have to accept that our job is to stay put on the ground where they can find us when they get off the roller coaster. If we get on the roller coaster with them, we're not helping ourselves or them, and can often make it worse.

The question is whether you feel strong enough to stay grounded, or at least want to get to that place, even when it feels counter intuitive to what you want to do (rescue her, chase her, love bomb her).

A lot of us thought getting on the roller coaster was the only way to care for them. That if we didn't, they would leave us or hurt themselves or think we didn't love them.

If your GF can see that you have the strength to take care of yourself like this, it increases the chance she will keep returning. Though of course, no guarantees.

Dont think I have any options in showing her I have the strength? Other than not reaching out myself.

What I dont get is that she just doesnt break up with me if she does not want to be with me.

Seems to me she's told you quite a few times that it is (ironically) not that black and white for her.  She sort of does want to be with you, but even contemplating that makes her feel bad.  What works for her for the time being is to be in a vaguely defined middle state, neither together nor with the relationship definitively closed.  Only you can decide whether and for how long that works for you.  I spent more than a year in a situation like that with my ex.  It was enjoyable and definitely worth it for me ... .until he suddenly moved to the other side of the country and started dating someone else, basically making moves that were consistent with the formal terms of our r/ship (no stated commitment) but to me, not consistent with our actual degree of closeness.  But that was my ex.  Yours might head in a different direction.

Point is, what she is doing makes sense if you understand that she neither wants to definitely lose you nor to commit to the r/ship, and that the bad feelings preventing the latter are involuntary and not something she knows how to manage or prevent.

Wow a year you say.

I'm not planning on letting this drag out for an entire year. I cant put a time on it but I need some indication that its going somewhere otherwise I cant stick around as a lover.

Maybe a friend if that is possible at all.

I don't know your ex, Davy, but I know mine, and I went through a lot of similar stuff with her (push/pull, in/out, mixed messages, running, etc)... .I took the wheel for ten months and she would continually shoot out the tires before we could get anywhere stable. I'm not saying that the same thing will necessarily happen to you, but I would exercise caution and detachment. Your best move here is probably the hardest move, but it's the strongest move (and the move I wish I had made): one last message, where you tell her that you love her and that you'll be there in whatever way she needs you to be whenever she's ready to reach out to you. Then you stop contacting her. Don't explain it to her, make it clear that you're not abandoning the relationship, but that this isn't working for you (because it's not!).

Then post here A LOT. And learn.

For you to know for you: people who genuinely want to be close to you and know you will hand you golden opportunities to show up and let them know you. They WILL NOT continually cancel plans, refuse to reply to text messages, or go into no contact with you for weeks on end.

Well that is kinda what i'm doing I think

I'm not sending a last text, she already knows I love her and am here for her but I plan on not contacting her for at least 2 weeks if I can stay strong

And then just a simple "Hi how are you" see how/if she reacts.

After that a last text for her birthday end of februari.

If by then there is no improvement I will never contact her again (I'll try anyway)

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