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I want to become a stronger person for my BPD lover, and I want to become better for myself, but man after 5 years of our relationship going up and down, I feel more emotional than ever. I want to become a rock, for him and myself, but I don't know where to begin! Any help would be amazing, I feel lost and I know I can be stronger, I just need guidance... .I hope... .ugh.

Welcome to this forum and the insanity of caretaking.

I'm 45, been married 20 yrs to uBPDw with awareness of the BPD only happening about 3-4 years ago.  So you already have something very positive going in the fact you know what you're dealing with.

Best advice I could give would be to do your best to not let the rants and the things he does/says effect you so personally.  It is the illness talking and acting.  Read, read, and read some more.  There are some really good lessons on the right of the home page of this forum.  Read those.  Learn all you can about how to live with BPD partner and how to lessen outbursts, create boundaries.  Also take good care of yourself.  Create time away so that you can regroup.  A lot of people here go to counseling.  For me, that's impossible so I just lift weights like a raving mad man and I also have a heavy (punching) bag that I often deliver severe beatings to.  I think my home gym has saved my life many times.  I don't like to exercise in public.  I often get very emotional as my stress leaves me.  I cry my eyes out while I train but I feel better when I'm done.  There are many things you can do to build your inner strength, but you know yourself best.

Good luck and welcome

My Boyfriend has BPD, and things are insane. He can't trust me, and honestly over time I can't trust him either. I want to make our relationship better, but I can't stop being emotional and in turn he can't ever trust me. I get defensive every time, and it's to the point I'm not sure what to do anymore. He says now that he'd learned it's him, and the fact that he is a monster, as he's stated, and that because he gives off this monster aura is the reason everyone around him becomes defensive, and unable to interact with him. I want to help, but I'm so confused now. I don't even feel like I can talk to him anymore with out feeling like I have to watch every word I say. Some part of me can't trust he won't hurt me, and so I'm never at ease. But I want so fricking much to help him, to have a loving relationship, but it seems so hopeless, like nothing will ever change.

Is there any way, ANY way I can change anything? That I can help? I feel lost, hurt and confused. And he feels the same... .only alone as well.

Please, Does anyone have any answers?

Hi nonBPDartist,

It sounds like you're really hurting right now, but you've come to the right place for support 

There's a fine line, invisible at first, which support and validation can cross over into care taking and enabling. EmotionalWarfare made a good suggestion about taking a look at the lessons here to start:

Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0)

Here's a good one to start with:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0)

It sounds like you are both aware of your issues, which is a start. He seems caught up in self-flagellation, which comes from shame, a core trait of the disorder: "I'm a monster," as he says. Translation: "I'm a bad person whom no one can love."

How do you respond when he says he is a monster?

Turkish

We can only do our best to create the most stable, validating, emotionally safe environment possible for our partner.  We, unfortunately, can't control how they respond.  It's therefore very much an individual call as to whether or not this means that there is any way to change things.  There are certainly things we can do to improve the relationship, but in the end we can't control our partner.  We can only shape the environment.  We can only do our part.

It sounds like you may be taking all this upon yourself, and it's making you feel that you are somehow at fault for not being able to single handedly rescue the relationship.  You are not to blame for this instability.  Relationships with pwBPD are hard.  We all know it.  They are inherently unstable and challenging relationships due to the very nature of the disorder.  We are in a relationship with someone who is very ill.  Give yourself credit for that.  You are working as hard as you can to love someone who has tremendous difficulty being loved.  That is not your fault.  That's the disorder's fault.

I would recommend that the first thing you try to do is to give yourself permission to be human.  None of us are perfect.  We all have our own insecurities and flaws.  It's to your credit that you want to improve yourself.  Be proud of that.  That's a wonderful step.  But try to not be harsh with yourself for being a flawed human like everyone else.  Relationships with a pwBPD do require that we be in strong mental health, but we don't have to do it in a single bound.  It is a process.  It takes time.  It is a journey of many, many individual steps.

Have you had a chance to read through the tools section (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190) on the site?  This would be a great place to start, because these are things you can immediately begin to do in your relationship.  Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) is one of the most powerful tools we have, and once you learn about it you can start to use it today.  Many pwBPD respond in a very positive way to validation.  It is highly soothing to them to feel that they are being emotionally heard and understood.  Much of the acting out is often aimed at trying to get our attention to the pain and frustration they are feeling.  By recognizing and acknowledging the emotion, we remove the need for the acting out.

I think once you see some of these tools working that is going to help to relieve this overwhelming anxiety you are feeling about the relationship.  That in turn will free up some emotional energy to then start to be able to do some work on yourself.  Remember, it's little steps.  One step at a time.  My T told me all the time "It's a process, not an event".   |iiii