BPDFamily.com

Hello all!

I am new here, my first post. This website has been a lifeline for me for the last week and I'm sincerely grateful.

I had dated her off and on for six years, this time for the last year living together. She is in DBT therapy and has been for the last few months. I understand that that isn't very long but I did see improvements. One of my hard boundaries was she must stay in therapy.

Things were not bad until a few months ago when we read a book on BPD and caretakers, geared more towards the non's and caretaking. The book hit her like a train and in a negative way. It began with why would you want to be with someone like me and then after, the small changes towards me. She was loosing respect for me, looked at more and more in a negative light thought she would never admit any of it. She became more and more distant, less and less affectionate, and more and more cold. Constant fighting. It was obvious to me the devaluing had begun. Anytime I wanted to discuss BPD she increasingly became angrier towards me stating I'm the only one that makes her feel crazy, I need to stop reading and talking about it because it made her feel like a text book study... .

Things became so unhealthy (I was loosing it badly), the fighting so extreme, the distance so cold, it was obvious she didn't want to stay together so I left. I ended it. At no time did she ask me to stay or show anything towards me about her wanting to work things out. She was over it.

Throughout the last few months of fighting she would swing back and forth between looking at me like I was a turd (Though she rarely would say anything negative about me) and taking all the blaming knowing how much pain she caused. Constanly flipping between shes getting her act together and it's more me to she knows shes a trainwreck and taking full responsibility for it.

So the next week she periodically would text but nothing about wanting to work on anything. I asked her what she wanted from me and I got the standard I cant imagine not having you in my life and that she wanted to stay friends.

Then over the last two weeks she became more and more distant and I realized I was initiating most of the contact now and she often was ignoring text messages.

The other day I received a text that she just signed a lease for a new house and was moving shortly (She was living with her mom).The next day another text saying how in love with the house she is then she misses me BUT maybe this was supposed to happen this way for a reason. I replied by asking her what she meant.

She stated "I don't know really. I was dragging you down, things seemed stagnant. Now I'm me independent for the first time (In her adult life, first time alone and shes 39)I'm not worried if I'm going to f**k up, piss anyone off or completely make someone so miserably unhappy."

That was days ago and now shes silent. So I left, shes been working on herself, her finances, her first house along with her kids, and is happy as can be.

Ouch! I am truly proud she's doing all those things, I really am. My life is upside down though, I left with no plan, no money, starting from the ground up... .I'm as broken as broken can be.

It truly feels like that us splitting was the best thing for her and life is now great. Unlike most other stories I read I left and there wasn't any panic about her being left, no discussion then or to date about working on anything, and her friendship that she wanted is getting colder and colder. Shes coming off happier and free and me leaving wasn't that bad at all. I feel like I do not matter and I'm trash.

That really confuses me... .Why?

I'm not sure how to edit my post... .So to clarify my question/s...

1) Why do I feel so discarded and that I don't matter even though I'm the one who left?

2) I'm having trouble processing why she seems so happy?

I cant get past these questions, I'm truly stuck here.

1) Why do I feel so discarded and that I don't matter even though I'm the one who left?

2) I'm having trouble processing why she seems so happy?

1. You feel discarded because you are discarded. To relieve herself of the responsibility of breaking up with you, she starved you out. Then when you left you confirmed that you were dirt (in her mind) by leaving. But she spent lots of time devaluing you so that when the end came she would be numb.

2. For a realistic answer to #2 you have to observe and have patience. She will make a mess, likely, but for now she seems happy. I am willing to bet it's short lived. For now, she has made changes and feels in control and very good about herself. This, too, shall pass. She's not going to give you the satisfaction of showing her chaos in an obvious fashion, however.

It's ok, we all have been here at some point.  I'm back and forth myself, some days.

Anyway, on to the questions:

1) As Tim said, you feel discarded because you were.  You had a personal r/s with this girl and even though you were brave/bold enough to try to keep working on your r/s with her, she wasn't committed to it.  I know how you feel, I was with J ("my" BPD ex) for a year.  She's diagnosed, medicated, and started DBT in mid-Sept after a whirlwind year with her.  She started the discard in October and we never recovered.  By mid-December, I was on the way out because I found out she was dating someone else (she had done so in July, as well, btw, which is how DBT comes to play) and I just wasn't going to do it again.  That was a hardline boundary for me (cheating) and she violated it.  Not that it mattered.  She attempted a reconciliation as New Years approached (it was slight, but there) and when I didn't bite, she cut me out.  So J's actions resulted in me leaving, but in her mind (she told me this directly) I was the won who left because I wasn't willing to try hard enough for us.  That simply isn't the truth, but its HER truth and to HER thats all that matters.

2) She seems happy because its her defense.  She's used to wearing a mask, so she is.  She probably feels some relief because the r/s is over.  Remember that BPDs have unstable personal relationships.  They fear abandonment and engulfment and its not uncommon for them to "preemptively strike" to prevent feeling the guilt/shame/abandonment/engulfment of a perceived notion you're going to hurt them by leaving them first.  It's sad, but it's true.  Their behavior often makes us leave, yet they want to be the martyr and victim.  The abused becomes the abuser in their mind.

Oh and just because she's in DBT doesn't mean she's going to go on and have a successful life.  While it shows promise, its a LONG road to repression of the traits.  Theres a debate that seems to rage on infinitely about whether DBT works or not.  The majority don't complete it or don't take it serious and higher functioning ones are less likely to obtain success.  Try not to overthink it (like I do!) if she's going to "get better" because of DBT and you're going to miss out on something.  The only thing I'm missing out on is some good sex and even that got problematic for me (I was always anxious afterward - that was taxing in its own right).

Tim, that does make sense. Looking back I do feel very devalued. We have split numerous times over the years and each and every time she was the one who left, without warning ad cut me out without a word. I thought maybe she felt guilty for that and didn't want to do it again but I can see your point. I was devalued but I think I was in denial a lot about that while it was happening. I now realize that I continue to be devalued still, thus her happy life. After our relationship seemed to be holding her back from happiness. I have to figure out why being devalued now still hurts so badly. I really am stuck on how badly I feel from it.

Lonely Astro, I continually struggle with the DBT and her living happily ever after with someone new. Yes I know that's twisted but I put in all this time, was the one who convinced her to start and stay in DBT, lived in a emotionally abusive environment (Didn't realize it while it was happening) and now shes happy, free, and so on and so on. Man that hurts. I really am proud of the progress and moving forward and not crashing but the devaluing, living happy like the loss of the relationship isn't that big a deal makes me feel like all the sacrifice was just crapped on, and so was I.

Intellectually I know to detach and not focus on her but instead on me, my healing, and now the realization of what codependency is she be my focus but I'm so lost... .and hurting... .and broken.

It seems so unfair that someone with BPD can continue on with her life without missing a beat but I'm so damaged now... .

I often wondered in the beginning if J going to DBT would somehow make her 'better'.  I supported her this year, through a lot of stuff, and she started DBT after she dated a guy behind my back for month.  After I found out about it, we blew up, I walked away.  It's the only time I have ever heard J make a comment about "not wanting to be around anymore" if she couldnt be with me.  I took her statement as an allusion to suicide.  We did work through that and after a couple of weeks of limbo, I agreed to come back.  I shouldn't have, but I did.  Anyway, from that she had said she wanted to start DBT to get better.  I fully supported her.  For me, it backfired.

Keep in mind, that was mid to late august.  In september, I was fully available to J and we had a great month.  She started DBT in mid-Sept.  It was rocky to say the least.  Then came October and that's when the push came that we never recovered from.  By mid November, I had managed to get one last face to face with her.  After hours of talking, I asked her directly: do you want us to end, did she want to stay committed to our r/s and our future?  Her response was "I don't want us to end.  We can work through this, like we always have.  I don't want us to be over."  With that, she walked out of my door after a long hug.  It was to be the last I ever got from her.  Nothing (and I mean nothing) changed after the talk.  By mid December, I found out she had been out with another guy.  I immediately ended it with her because of this.  She, at first, feigned that she didn't realize we were still together and she also minimized that she had been out with a guy, claiming it was an old friend (to be fair, I knew that they had known each other years prior to me being around) and it was "just dinner".  But, during the conversation, she let it slip that she had had dinner with him twice.  Hey, once is explainable, but twice is definitely a date in my eyes.  She conceded that "ok, the second time may have been a date but I was tricked into it".  Uh huh, sure.

It's obvious to me that she isn't taking DBT serious, IF she is even still going.  She claims she is, but I actually doubt it because of whats taken place over the past few days between us.  Once 'I' broke off our r/s (J sees it as I was the one abandoning her, even though she'll say "well, I know I did it first, but... .", I told her that I would speak with her until the end of December.  I did this to ease my exit but also because I wanted to ease her fear of abandonment.  We talked fairly candidly to each other during that time.  I made the reason for my departure very clear: it wasn't about the past, it was about how she had treated me since October and seeing another guy (especially after the whole July thing) wasn't acceptable to me.  When the clock struck midnight on the 1st, communication from us ceased after a happy new year text (from her, I replied). 

A couple of weeks later, I was at a coffeeshop I visit (she came in and I wasn't going to ignore her).  That led to some interaction between us.  We have had a few interactions since then, but she has certainly moved on and is in deeper with a new guy than she told me (she had said she had been on "a couple of dates" with a new guy, not the guy she had seen in December).  How do I know?  She had a dozen roses delivered to her desk today.  Yep, straight up gut punch.  I only know because I had to go back to the office after hours and there they were on her desk (I have to walk by it for the after hours entrance).  The 'best' part about that is they were left there on purpose.  This past year, everything I had sacrificed and risked for her... .pointless.  As I sit wondering how it all went wrong, she has a new guy sending her flowers.  Boy, does he not know what he's in for.  Of course, I can't help but think "what if".  What if DBT 'works' and she gets better and I'm the one who got her there... .all that I was supposed to have, I won't.  Of course, this is often the 'problem' with is: letting go of the fantasy of our pwBPD.

IN BOLD: can you explain the anxiety you mention because I got anxiety before sex with her and I never had this in the idealization phase. I could go on and on. But after the abuse started, the sex anxiety also kicked in. What was the cause for you?

I was always anxious that I would get an STI from her or get her pregnant.  Mainly it was due to a lack of trust in her.  She always got upset because she could tell when my anxiety kicked it.  I didn't have it, at first, but after I started to get suspicious of her being who she said she was, I started getting more and more anxious about sex with her.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed making love to her (a lot!).  For me, it wasn't just sex.  Plus, she is beautiful (to everyone, but especially she was to me), so seeing her nude was a sight (for me) in its own right.  She, of course, hated herself naked and after sex there was no just laying there basking in the glow.  She was up and clothed like the Flash.  We talked about that a few times, thats how I know she hated herself naked.

Anyway, I was always on edge about it a few months in.  There was a point I let it go (in Sept) and stopped worrying about it.  It's sad I thought this way, but I knew she would do everything in her power to prevent a pregnancy.  My thought on this was she didn't want to get pregnant because she would have a lot of explaining to do to a lot of people and no doubt whoever she chose to say "you're the dad" would've no doubt asked for a paternity test.  She claims her husband M had said to her "well, is it even mine?" when she got pregnant in their marriage.  She claims to me that she miscarried after M pushed her down into a washing machine during an argument - consequently this was when she decided to leave him.  I still don't know if any of that is true or not.  What made me more anxious than anything was the ensuing drama that I knew would come if she were to come up pregnant (not to mention how she would react hormonally to that... .).

We did discuss, before having sex the first time, the possibilities.  She told me she took her pill religiously (I was always weary of taking her word for it, but thats not her fault, thats mine), though I often wondered why she wouldn't get an alternative to the pill because she was always "forgetting" other stuff.  So, I always saw that as a gamble on one side.  For a very long time we used protection as well, but like all relationships that are (seemingly) monogamous (and after testing... .which J got super pissed about), we didn't.  I've been tested since (negative, for those wondering).   

Plus, I began to get in my own head about sex with her.  Was I the only one?  Was I the other guy (for awhile, I was, though she claims she was no longer physical with M... .Im pretty sure that was a lie)?  What happened if she came up pregnant?  What kind of fallout was I looking at? 

Don't get me wrong.  I didn't see having kids with her as bad, I just didn't want it to be a surprise.  I have one of my own already and I'm not scared of kids.  What I was scared of was how she would react to it (on multiple fronts). 

I'm sure my anxiety wore on J.  But the oddest thing was after I had let everything go, thats when she left.  I was fully available to her and (theoretically, her to me) we were as close as ever to having all the stuff we had talked about, she fled.  I get that she was afraid.  I guess.  Seems so stupid to me now, to think I could've ever succeeded.  J is my Russia. 

Plus, I don't even know J anymore.  I don't know if I ever did.

"I don't know really. I was dragging you down, things seemed stagnant. Now I'm me independent for the first time (In her adult life, first time alone and shes 39)I'm not worried if I'm going to f**k up, piss anyone off or completely make someone so miserably unhappy."

Dude, you dodged a bullet.  This is basically her saying she no longer cares that her condition is hurting people and she's going to do literally whatever the f*ck she wants. Take no prisoners.

I found a blog my exBPD kept and in it he confessed that he sometimes just keeps men around to fill his loneliness and no longer cares that his mental issues hurt them because it's just his "nature" and there's nothing he can do about it.

And sadly ... .

There probably really is nothing he can do.  It's useless to fight with it.

You gave 110%.  You took the effort to learn about her condition and you put your best foot forward.

She painted you black and left.  You did everything you could and she abandoned you exactly how she wanted it.  With her hands clean. 

From what it sounds like, you have nothing left to give.  Focus on building yourself back up, and save your generosity for someone who will truly cherish you.  You deserve so much more for your efforts.   

So much more. 

Hi Wantingtochange  

*welcome*

I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you are in.  Relationships with a partner with BPD can be highly confusing and chaotic.  I think all of us can understand that.

Let's take a look at something that struck me in your story: you left.  What were you hoping that this would accomplish?  :)id you expect that she would pursue you?  Can you see how by leaving you fullfilled her most overwhelming fear: that you would abandon her?  Can you see why she has shut down?  You manifested her deepest darkest fear.

Can you further see how your reaction to her about reading that book made the situation far worse?  She was feeling ashamed.  We was feeling worthless.  All of those core fears and self hatreds were activated.  She wasn't devaluing you at all.  She was trying to survive the overwhelming emotions by shutting down her emotions.  It really wasn't about you.

It sounds like what we have here is a massive difference in understanding one another.  You two weren't on the same page.  You are on the Leaving board, so I'm not clear on what you want for the relationship.  If you really do want to be done, then I would let her move on.  If you want to try to repair things with her, then you are going to have to do some work on yourself.  You will need to become an expert on the disorder, and you will need to learn to better understand what sort of inner life she is experiencing.  There isn't any right or wrong decision.  It's entirely your call as to what you think is the best for you.

Keep post.  We're here for you.

Lonely_Astro

I can only imagine the pain and confusion your felt/feeling. For me its so disorientating that even when I read these boards by the time I'm done brain feels like its the inside of a dryer... .everything just jumble around while I struggle to put it all together.

As far as the sex anxiety... .that hit me hard. It's something I never realized or even thought about until I read the replies. After reading I let it sink in for a long time through the night and then the light bulb kicked on. Without realizing it (Maybe denial?) I had been dealing with it also.

She is a gorgeous women that attracts attention constantly. A smile that melts you, and a funny personality (Until you date her for a long while). Like many the sex was off the charts. Adventurous, crazy, passionate, rough, completely in tune to my desires, everything a guy wants and then some.  Over the last six years we dated sex was the one things that we never struggled with, instead I would say we excelled at it.

But I was thinking about it starting about when we split going backwards and that's when I realized it had drastically changed. This is the first time I realized this. I always labeled it her becoming distant and cold, excusing the change then putting it out of my mind. But the frequency reduced to close to non existent. That never happened before. For years we were like rabbits.

But I noticed her wants changed. Her fantasies changed. Her desire for it went to nothing and again that had never happened before. How we interacted during the act changed. Looking back there was noticeable distance on her part. I realize this caused me insecurity thinking that it was because of me, and maybe it was but I'm leaning toward it wasn't so much.

So for months there was now for the first time insecurity on my part, uncertainty as to why everything changed, what she wanted, and what to do. I still desired for sex and the intimacy but I realize that I started to accept all this and excuse it. Crazy I know.

Long story short I'm thankful for this revelation I've had from reading the replies and to realize that though the reasons might have been different I'm not alone dealing with the anxiety, insecurities, and what ever else I dealt with regarding sex.

With that said it was still by far the best, craziest, wild, fun sex I've ever had and I doubt I'll ever find that at that level again. Even though I'm working on detaching I still desire her... .Sad

Lonely wrote

She had a dozen roses delivered to her desk today.  Yep, straight up gut punch.  I only know because I had to go back to the office after hours and there they were on her desk (I have to walk by it for the after hours entrance).  The 'best' part about that is they were left there on purpose. 

-----Sounds like she wanted to make you jealous, wanted to let you know she's with someone else... .does she want you back?  Sometimes they manipulate the jeallousy to get a reaction from you, see if you still care? Or another reason?

I believe that she left them there to hurt me.  I don't think she wants me back, a reconciliation has been gray from her standpoint (naturally).  I had told her that I was departing the r/s the last week of December and that starting New Years we weren't going to be speaking on personal terms.  I told her we would speak that week, personally, to get our closure with each other and also to ease my leaving (from both sides of the coin... .I didn't want to leave but felt I had to because of a personal boundary that was broken by her).  That week, she was like the old J I remembered.  She was clear, grounded, and was hinting at wanting to keep going.  She had even asked to see me a couple of times (I didn't because I was afraid I would be sucked back into the chaos).  But, inside, I was doubting myself the entire way (right or wrong, I told her that)... .I wanted to be back in the chaos, I wanted us to work.  Frankly, I wanted her and I wanted us.  The last time she asked to see me it was alluded that she wanted sex, which I said no to.  I knew if that happened, it would certainly complicate things more.

So, on new years, I got a text from her saying happy new year and I replied back.  Two weeks we were NC (even at work).  I had a run in with her a my coffee shop on Jan 13 and we have been talking since.  Mostly pleasantries, but some personal stuff.  She has made it clear she "doesnt feel the same as I do" and she's been dating someone, "we ended because we really didn't have anything in common," etc.  Basically, hurtful things to me to make me feel like my time with her didn't matter.  Ive also found out that she lied to me a lot more than I had thought.

Anyway, the roses were the icing on the cake.  Speaking of cake, earlier that day while in her department someone was talking about a local sweets shop and their cupcakes.  J was like "I had one of those the other night and it was ahmazing" (she emphasized the word amazing, which was a word she used to describe us at one point, and she was looking directly at me when she said it - I feel this was an allusion to her date and she was watching me for an emotional response, regardless of what kind of response).  I've seen her be a lot more sociopath BPD with me this past week than I've ever experienced with her.  She's said some other stuff that's just been plain hurtful to.

Is this because she actually wants me back?  Is it because she feels hurt and abandoned by me and she wants to get revenge?  I don't know, maybe.  She claims that I was special to her this year, maybe I was, but there were other special people in her life too.  This past year was a lot different than I had known it was.  I had suspected, but to finally know... .sometimes ignorance is bliss.  The most hurtful thing to me is J said she felt like I was using her "sometimes" this past year.  Hi, pot, this is kettle calling.

Like many the sex was off the charts. Adventurous, crazy, passionate, rough, completely in tune to my desires, everything a guy wants and then some.  Over the last six years we dated sex was the one things that we never struggled with, instead I would say we excelled at it.

But I was thinking about it starting about when we split going backwards and that's when I realized it had drastically changed. This is the first time I realized this. I always labeled it her becoming distant and cold, excusing the change then putting it out of my mind. But the frequency reduced to close to non existent. That never happened before. For years we were like rabbits.

But I noticed her wants changed. Her fantasies changed. Her desire for it went to nothing and again that had never happened before. How we interacted during the act changed. Looking back there was noticeable distance on her part. I realize this caused me insecurity thinking that it was because of me, and maybe it was but I'm leaning toward it wasn't so much.

Hi Wanting,

IMVHO, that sounds an awful lot like her trying to avoid engulfment by avoiding intimacy. Forget the sex part of the coupling and look at the intimacy (or lack thereof). As you'll see posted all over these boards, a pwBPD can usually sustain "porn sex" (for lack of a better term for it), but emotional intimacy can certainly present a problem for them. This may not be the case in your particular situation, but the intimacy, not the sex, is what needs examining.

You guys had a much different type of sex with your BPs than I did.  J wasn't "wild and crazy", though I guess I never pushed the boundaries with her there.  But she was passionate.  She was intimate.  Whether it was pillow talk or not, I don't know, but she had told me that sex with me was more intimate than she had ever experienced.  Sex, for me, was a byproduct of a r/s with her, it wasn't my focus.  Though it seemed to be the only area we seemed to get along in (something she said at the end toward the end "we argued a lot, but we always made up for the arguments!".

I guess I hear all these wild stories about BPs being wild and adventurous.  I guess J was, in a way, but it was a work in progress.  However, I will admit while not the craziest of my experiences in the bedroom, she was by far the most intimate.

I think learning more about the disorder will help you to better understand what happened here.  These are extremely confusing relationships, and we often are at a loss in trying to understand our partner or what we can do.  I was the same.  I made a great many mistakes in relating to my ex, because I didn't properly understand what was going on or how to handle the situation.  That is extremely common among members.  We didn't have the knowledge and tools we needed.  

pwBPD have experienced a failure of normal psychological development;  they have not been able to develop an independent self.  That's a very complex concept, but for our purposes we can say they have not been able to form into their core identity that they are an independent person.  This isn't in any way their fault.  It's not something they had control over and it happened at a very early stage in life.  The consequences of this failure in development are that pwBPD feel lost, terrified, and empty when they do not have an attachment to someone who has developed an independent self.  We can think of someone with BPD as a very young child separated from their parents and lost in a crowd.  The child is in a panic - desperate to find mommy and daddy again - the people who love them and take care of them.  The child runs frantically around, in tears, crying out for mommy and daddy.  This is something of the emotional state that pwBPD experience when they do not have an attachment.  So, in order to end this pain, pwBPD seek out attachments so that they can fuse with the attachment and thus "borrow" the attachment's self.   This is profoundly soothing for a pwBPD - at least for a while.  In our analogy, they have finally found mommy or daddy in the crowd and are once again in the arms of someone who keeps them safe and loved.  The terror of being alone is over.

There are several other consequences of this developmental failure.  As you might imagine, one of the greatest horrors for a pwBPD would be to lose their attachment and be once again alone in the world.   This overwhelming fear of abandonment is a hallmark of the disorder.   Another is the profound sense of shame that pwBPD feel about themselves and their failure to become a full, independent self.  This relentless shame and self-hatred is one of the absolutely most damaging aspects of the disorder.  So many of the destructive behaviors are an attempt to cope with the crushing shame and self-hatred.  A further aspect is that pwBPD have an unusual intensity of emotions.  Emotions for pwBPD are overwhelming.  However, without an independent self, they haven't the ability to self soothe these emotions.  They can't easily quiet these overwhelming emotions.  So, they fall back upon a wide range of primitive, often destructive, coping mechanisms in order to try and survive their own emotions.  These are behaviors like splitting, dissociating, substance abuse, promiscuity, cutting, etc.

That's a good bit of background information given very quickly, but I hope that it can set the stage a little to help you better understand what I think happened.   You and your partner reading about BPD together triggered the overwhelming shame that your partner already carries with her every day.  She felt worthless, unlovable, broken, defective.  And that immense shame then activated her fears that she would be abandoned - that you would leave her.  If she is so worthless and so defective, why would anyone ever love her?  And this is where we enter the downward spiral of BPD dysregulation.  This is not your fault.  You didn't cause this.  This is the disorder at work.  What we can do, however, is to help put the brakes on things, or at the least to not add fuel to the fire.  However, when we don't fully understand what is happening, we can often do things that only further this descent.

I don't think it was that your ex was devaluing you.  I don't think it was that she stopped loving you.  I think she was desperately trying to shut off her emotions.  And you were part of that, because you had become a trigger.  It's not your fault you became a trigger, but none-the-less her interacting with you was bringing up emotions she couldn't handle.  So, she pushed you away.  Without understanding the disorder, it's very easy to misinterpret this, and it's easy to respond in a way that makes it worse.  I did.  Most of us here did.  We did the best we could, and we were dealing with mental illness.  So, when you pulled back and especially when you left, that validated all of those fears and self-hatreds for your partner.  It proved to her that she is defective and no one will ever love her.

So, now can you see why she is shutting you off?  She is in emotional agony.  She is shutting off all her emotions.  She is trying to simply survive.  She can't chase after you or talk about the relationship or reminisce about things.  She can't begin to handle the emotions involved.  Rather than not caring about losing your, she is overwhelmed by this experience.  This may be very hard to understand at first, but once you have a better insight about how the disorder works it will help you to depersonalize this.  It's not because you weren't good enough or that she didn't care.

That's not the truth - it's not even close to the truth. You're witnessing a dissociative behavior - the "numbness" that someone else described. Remember, BPD is a disorder of EMOTIONAL dysregulation. Emotions are felt deeply, swing wildly, and are sometimes completely cut off. This is not healthy, this is not a path to a whole, healthy, healed life. She has mental health issues that, left untreated, will follow her into every single r/s she has - with the same devastating results.

You are grieving as you should be. It's a hard, sad time, but you will work through it, come out on the other side and continue on with your life.

@Wantingtochange:

Most of us on here have been exactly where you find yourself now. Feeling discarded and left wondering why they appear so nonchalant, did it (relationship) ever mean to them what it means(t) to us? How Can they just leap from us onto the next victim without any remorse or care in the world, you might ask?

Cosmonaut couldn't have articulated this better, strangely Cosmonaut just gave me the ultimate closure that I've been seeking all this time. I'd always known that I might not have closure considering how myself felt discarded even though I'm the one that actually left after having had enough of the uncertainty and push & pulls.

@Cosmonaut, WOW!    Your last 2 paragraphs actually gave me the closer I so desperately sought. Although I did the leaving, perhaps i was secretly hoping that I'd be pursued so to boost my shattered self esteem (or lack thereof) and whatever was left of my ego! to my dismay, I was almost instantly replaced, which was the final nail in the coffin but also the "Icing on the cake" in that It made my departure somewhat justified.

There's been a few subtle clues that one might interpret as feeling the hurt and pain. Since I've left, I'm told by mutual friends that he now engages in excessive anonymous internet hookup sex, assuming this is done to fill the void. Maybe not the void left by my unceremonious departure, but more so a soother to the demons that are bugging them. Instead of facing the shame and feeling of inadequacy, they'd rather perpetually chase the elusive and ephemeral feeling of being wanted without feeling too engulfed!

IF ONLY I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW, I'd have acted more compassionately, more validating, more understanding whilst maintaining my boundaries and sanity in the process. I guess no use crying over spilt milk. I can only take the lesson that life dealt me in this situation and perhaps so should you!

And you'd still be right here with us, regardless.

I'm glad it was able to help give you some closure.  We often have to provide that for ourselves in these sorts of breakups, because our ex is not in any condition to help us with that.

I too would have behaved much differently with my ex if I had known about BPD at the time.  I would have been far more patient and compassionate.  Far less quick to anger or frustration.  She was suffering and in pain, and she was trying to deal with that in the only way she knew how: withdrawing.  I took it so personally, and that was a terrible mistake.  It wasn't personal - it wasn't even really about me.  In my own pain and insecurities I kept trying to pull her back, and that made a vicious cycle.  I do believe things would have been different if I had been in a more stable, accepting place.  We can't cure the disorder, but we can certainly change ourselves.  That's the goal now.

Best of luck to you.

That's the goal, yes! Reading this, I thought: those qualities of compassion and acceptingness and patience,  etc. that I wish I'd had when I'm feeling regret about D are qualities I want anyhow. To some degree I think I (we) already have them, but they become submerged or turned against ourselves. I don't know if they would have carried the day while we were still in each others' lives. Right now I regret not being my best self with him--not just because things might have been different, but also because that patient and compassionate and gentle person sounds like who I needed for myself then, during all that confusion. I need those qualities now so I can forgive myself.

Those are qualities you already have.  We often got lost in taking care of our relationships.  In the beginning, I was compassionate, patient, understanding, accommodating, validating, and accepted J's illness for what it was.  As time went on and I kept reminding myself of those qualities (without being a doormat), I was also being eroded by the game that she was playing.  By the end of it all, I was a paranoid, short tempered mess that was depressed.  She had made me feel practically worthless by me being only one of several (unbeknownst to me) spinning plates.

It's been a rough time since, because of the trauma bond.  Even up until the end, I was doubting myself for leaving.  What did it for me was 2 weeks of not talking and re-starting interacting with her, she had a dozen roses delivered to her desk by her newest suitor.  So, practically the past year of my life counted for squat with her.  And even if we weren't "an us", its still a d-bag move to leave them proudly on display for your ex to see, given the r/s "officially" ended less than a month prior.  But, that sums them up rather well, doesnt it?  She either did it on purpose or cared so little for my feelings on seeing them that she left them on her desk (btw, she knew I would be in a position to have to walk by her desk that night after hours).  Either way, it was a cruel thing to do.  That shows she's either just that callous toward someone she "loved more than life" or so emotionally underdeveloped that I couldn't have ever had a truly healthy r/s with her anyway.

I refuse to excuse her for her behavior.  I also don't see J as many may see their pwBPD.  She was always self aware and I feel sure she knew that leaving them out like that would hurt me.  She just simply didn't care and did it on purpose.  I will always believe that and no amount of explaining the disorder to me will convince me "she didn't think about it".  Sometimes, people are just cruel to be cruel... .disordered or not.

Ugh, those flowers. I don't doubt she did that to hurt you. So sorry.

It was just salt in the wound.  It actually gave me the anger I needed to break away from her.  Ive thought about her, sure, but its been a different set of thoughts than before.  I had begun to dismiss some (most   ) if her behavior by saying "well, she's sick.  Thats not her fault.  It isn't personal."  This led to me being an adult and interacting with her again.  So, the roses showed me that it is personal (at least from my perspective).  This was something blatantly done to "show me" what a mistake I made, even though I wasn't the one who left to start with.  Sure, I ultimately pulled the plug, which got her out of the promise she made in the beginning of all this a year ago that she would "always be with me until I ran her off because she had lost me once in her lifetime and she would make sure it didn't happen again."  Technically, she was true to her word... .if you forget why I had to leave.

Every time I begin to slip back some and have a good thought about her, I immediately go back to the roses.  Thats not to say in time I won't just remember the fond memories, but right now I simply can't.  Not with such a blatantly careless thing to do to someone like she did. 

I have a hard time feeling my anger, despite a few salt-in-wound things I've fixated on for ages. I mean, I'm ANGRY (among other things), but it's hard for me to totally experience it

Another thing, Lonely_Astro:

Can her behavior be malevolent AND a manifestation of her disorder? And can she be sick AND not your problem?

I mean, obv no need to answer those questions. I guess I'm also asking myself, maybe. Like, can I permit myself to be angry at D while still seeing the BPD at work in his cruelty? And can I forgive myself for not "fixing" the relationship?

In my case: I think she could be malevolent and it be a manifestation of her disorder.  As in, her cheating on me was deliberate as were her lies.  She knew what she was doing, but at its root she was doing it to feel better about herself, my feelings or well being were never really considered.  No one forced her to cheat or lie, she made that choice (btw, I was both the one she cheated with and on this year). 

As far as the roses are concerned, that was simply a malevolent act.  There was no other result meant to come from them other than to hurt me for "my" decision to leave.  She knew it would hurt, so she did it in true sadist fashion.  It was her piece de resistance to show me that I meant so little to her that she could replace me in 2 weeks. 

Can she be sick and not my problem?  Yes, she's still 'sick' and she isn't my problem (anymore). 

Great input from everyone and it's given me a lot more to process over the weekend and today. I've been trying to apply the information to my situation and it has helped answer many questions. I feel that I made some improvement in the last week though it's clear I have so far to go. Her and I were scheduled to meet today (She cancelled last time we were scheduled) to exchange a few things. She had invited me up to see her new house (A two hour drive) and to do the exchange. This last week shes gone silent except for Friday when I sent her a Birthday text and yesterday when we talked on the phone for the logistics today. She seemed very very up but kept saying how busy she is and that she's so tired. I haven't heard her this happy in months (I know it could be a front). When on the phone she told me about another new job she's getting and that she would be busy at her new house cleaning today. Then at 5am today I get a text saying "I have to cancel today, I just cant do it. I'm sorry."

I sent her a text mid day asking her to call me and she did an hour later. She seemed very rushed but again sounds very very up. The call dropped and she hasn't called back. Who knows.

From what I'm gathering she is working two jobs, just got her own place, and had gone from nothing to doing decent financially. She's building a life. That's all good things and honestly I'm proud of her.

BUT

After hearing all this today it's more apparent then ever how over it she is and continues to keep all this out of her mind. I now understand that this may be due to their disorder and it's not so much about me but crap on a cracker, today it really hurts.

The level of anger I feel as shot up into the red zone this afternoon. Again I know it's not so much about me but it still feels so personal, like it's directed to show me how well she's doing without me. Almost like I was holding her back when dating... .I feel so disposable.

So just another day yet again of realizing how broken I really am.

How does everyone deal and cope with these intense feelings of anger and hurt from feeling like were disposable?

I continue to try and focus my mind on the fact it's her disorder. It's not so much about me. I shouldn't take it so Personally.

BUT

Hey, I just feel like rambling on some thoughts here... .hope that is fine... .

I had a female friend uBPD who was left by her BF, they have three kids together.  She was confiding in me at the time and obsessing over the situation greatly.  I believe that she felt her sense of self worth plummet when he left.  Many of her actions appeared that she was trying to convince herself, him and the world, that she had some self worth.  Sometimes she'd obsess over plots of calling him to 'prove' she was doing fantastic.  I think it was all about her wanting to convince her, him, etc... ."I am worthy."  She did things to get his attention, tried to make him jealous, tried to prove she didn't need him... .  Again... .I think ties into her own feelings of trying to cope with having been 'dumped'... .'left'... .feeling not wanted... .searching for some confirmation that she is lovable... .or simply declaring that she is worthy through her displays of seeming desirable in ways he previously was angry about, such as that she was seeming lazy or otherwise.  Also, she would only call him on her good days,(well... .she did also call and picked fights and dysregulated) she posted and made plans to go clubbing with friends for the pure reason to post the pics on FB.  Times he didn't 'bite' her bait and act like he cared drove her nuts, times he did made her feel 'worthy' enough to devalue him to his face but glow over still being desired to me.  It may have appeared she forgotten him at times, but was obsessing behind his awareness in her own way. 

My point... .  It could appear she was cured, or doing great... .depending on which angle you were looking at her.  From my angle, as her friend, I could tell she was coming quite undone.

It may not be wise to assume what is going on in her mind.  She could be obsessing.  She could be dissociating.  Maybe both, alternating, diff combo, idk.

My ex's uNPD/BPDexW tried to make herself appear perfect, bought a huge house, seemed very successful in business and financial areas of life for three years and now the house is being sold.  I think the excitement of the newness of her relationship kept her appearing somewhat very functional financial wise, until life well... .requires ongoing sustaining of positive relationships. I imagine things fell apart with her 'new' relationship and now she is in a downward spiral from that.  Or maybe it was a bit impulsivity to buy above their long term means.

There is a part of me that wonders how my ex is doing today.  I want to know if he is better off without me or if things went downhill in some areas.  I too want to feel I was valuable, and somewhere inside me... .if I found out he is suffering a wee bit today... .I could tell myself it is proof that I knew better and knew I was good for him.  Yet, another part of me sees this as completely something I need to address with myself, independent of him.  I need to check my own self worth and self love.  I wonder if thoughts of how our ex is doing, ironically, is typically tied into us needing more self love?

Yay for this, at least.

Peace, brother.

Wanting,

In short, you were disposable to her because she has a disorder which produces intense, chaotic interpersonal relationships. You also have answered your own question:

How does everyone deal and cope with these intense feelings of anger and hurt from feeling like were disposable?

You're on the right path here (quoted below). Unfortunately knowing and accepting are two different things. Acceptance of the disorder brings a lot of peace to the Non because it releases the Non from many thoughts/guilty feelings/responsibilities for the demise of the relationship. Likewise, it usually changes the Non's perception of the pwBPD, their actions/behaviors during the relationship, and the demise thereof.

I continue to try and focus my mind on the fact it's her disorder. It's not so much about me. I shouldn't take it so Personally.

Also, as others have stated, she didn't split from you and magically heal (that's magical thinking on the Non's behalf). She still has the disorder, no matter how she is presenting herself.