BPDFamily.com

First off I went six days without texting her.  My longest time to date!

Well. I did it. I offered the counseling for third time. She again said she wants to do it. I sent her contact info and told her to let me know when she schedules it.  I don't think she will ever follow through.  I'd be very surprised if she did.

In the exchange about the counseling yesterday she asked about the musical we are going to on Valentine's weekend.  She then this morning posted pictures of a collage blanket she made for her children.  I don't know if she ever gave it to them. But a year ago she made my sisters and my mother similar blankets. Very thoughtful gifts. Blankets with family pictures.

She doesn't have one of her own. So I broke down and designed one for her and ordered it.  She loves making them for others. No one has ever made one for her. I did . I'll give it to her valentines weekend. 

Why i don't know.  I don't know who's crazier.  Me or her. 

One of my favorite quotes from this support group is from over on the Staying Board.   It says, roughly,  that if you are going to be in a relationship with a person with BPD you have to have realistic expectations and a honest appreciation for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent support, respect and understanding.    And not wish it to be something it's not.

You are going to be seeing her on a romantic holiday and giving her an emotional present.  Can I ask what your hopes are around that?

Well I'd be lying if I didn't say I hope she eventually has a change of heart. But realistically i don't expect that to ever happen.  So my hopes and expectations are two different things. One is based on desire or hope for an unknown future.  The other is based on the past and present circumstances.

I'm trying to do it selflessly as I know there's little or no hope for that change of heart.

Also honestly she has had a lot of loss in her life. A lot of self inflicted things she plays the victim for.  But still a lot of loss. Biological father she never knew till last year.  Step father and mother divorced when young. First husband by all accounts was a bad and still is bad person. Lost custody of her children to him though.  Bad second marriage though I question just how bad now.  Grandfather who she loved more than anything died.  Another bad relationship in which the guy gave away her stuff. Etc. 

So she's never had any positive male role model. Someone to love her unconditionally. Accept her as she is. I'm trying to do that. Though I can't do it forever I know. But to extent I can and it makes a difference. I'm willing for now.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you hope to gain here?  What do you hope she can gain?

When I was first here a senior member said to me "people with this level of volatility shouldn't be toyed with, it's not fair to either of you ".   

My situation was a little bit different to be sure.    Still the strong words struck home.   Coming and going from the relationship,   going back with the intention to fix or rescue,  going back hoping to find that sense of of being idealized.   For me I needed to examine all those things. 

Most of us have a strong component of caretaking.   Kept to moderation it's something I like about myself.    Keeping it in moderation with a pwBPD requires strong boundaries.