BPDFamily.com

I have been trying to limit my conversations with my BPD mother for the last month. Today she was getting very negative about everything and complaining about my life (I no longer live near her, so every choice I make is a mistake to her). Anyways, I told her, I would like to hang up the phone now as I was busy doing something when she phoned. Suddenly she launches into this tirade asking me what is so important, blah, blah, blah. She starts this huge argument and gets me to the point where I have to scream that I am hanging up then she calls me repeatedly afterwards.

Is there some sort of strategy I could use to try to avoid these outbursts? I wanted to end the conversation to try to avoid being upset, but then she makes a huge deal of it and I'm upset anyways.

I stopped talking to my mother on the phone as she is unable to hear my words.  I email her instead.  It is much easier.

It is a very hard to remember your life is your own not your mothers.  Allowing your mom to try and co-piolot your life is only going to lead to misery.  I think BPD people are truly tortured, miserable people and there is nothing you can do to easy their pain and suffering.

Why should you suffer along with them?  No sense in two people being miserable.

I have been reading lots of post here and one word that you never seem to see is cured.

It is your life, I am giving your permission to live, and live it to the full.

I second it.

Hi Khaleesi


I am sorry you had this unpleasant experience with your mother. The communication techniques described on this site can help reduce the chance of further conflict, but they can't guarantee that you won't find yourself in these kinds of situations. When your mother is behaving this way, I think the following resources can be helpful:

How to stop circular arguments - Don't J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0)

Dealing with hostile communications - B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)

After asserting yourself, for instance by saying you would like to hang up because you're busy doing something else, J.A.D.E. is helpful to prevent yourself from getting in a circular argument with your mother when she doesn't respect your wish to end the phone call. Instead of engaging her further, it can help to clean up your own communication by not 'J.A.D.E-ing' and instead just calmly yet firmly assert yourself and hang up.

The B.I.F.F. technique was originally developed for dealing with hostile email/text communications, but I have found that keeping these points in mind is also helpful with other forms of communication.

Thanks for the advice everyone!