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My ex with BPD broke up with me about 10 days ago. Since then she has not contacted me or responded at all to the few emails I wrote initially regarding practical things (money she owed me etc).

If I wrote to her seeking to discuss some kind of reconciliation, would that be a futile effort?

What experiences have you had around this?

Is this the first time your BPD broke up with you?

Notice I am saying "first time".

A BPD hallmark is recycling the relationship over and over. So yes, they do come back.

It looks like you are new here, so welcome to BPD family.

Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the right and at the top of the page. The information is really helpful and can give a better idea of what you are trying to address.

What happened that your BPD broke up with you? Was there some incident?

I don't personally think effort is futile, but very often it may seem futile, because the effort is not being applied at the right time or in the right way.

Tell us what has been happening in your relationship and maybe we can help.

Hi Daniell

Thanks for your lovely message.

things have been updated since I made this post (she sent a letter to me a few hours ago) and the basic background and details can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289514.0

In answer to your questions - yes it is the first time... It feels like the last time though too...

I haven't had a good read through the lessons - but I will do that tonight. Thanks!

There was no incident as such... I just had a bad feeling in my stomach and I came home that night and she said she wanted space and wanted me to leave... In her long letter she essentially said I wasn't the guy she thought I was... If you could have a look at the link I sent you and offer any assistance, I would very much appreciate it.

Thank you.

Why would an emotionally healthy "non" wish to get a BPD back?

Many reasons, I'm sure... One perhaps being that they just broke up and he is feeling heartbroken and wants to sort it out? You know, normal reasons like that... of course, being with a BPD is anything other than normal, but doesn't mean he still doesn't feel deeply for her etc...

I'll say this

the first time me and my BPD broke up and she dissapeared on me for 2 months, totally ignored any attempt at contact after telling me she hated me and i was the worst person she'd ever met and she never wanted anything to do with me again, i thought that was it for sure

i'd have bet my house that i'd never see her again, i was convinced of it.

3 months later we were back together.

However, i didn't "get her back" she came back on her own accord a few weeks after i'd given up on the idea, so i dont think theres anything you can do, you can't control the actions of another.

Interesting...

Hmmm... so after 10 days of no contact... she just sent me a 9 page written letter as to why she didn't like me anymore... things like I wore her socks and used her toothbrush without asking, I was too flamboyant in public, and she needed more time with her daughter after her recent split with the dad...

i'm wondering if I should respond at all to her letter... or if I should just go NC... which do you think is the best to make her want me? (lame question, I know)

No contact.

I'm not sure if this is the healthiest thing but i'll give an honest answer

they can't stand to be ignored, the longer you do it the more desperate they get

I agree with Inferno. They hate to be ignored. This is a trap. She sent 9 pages (wow) of complaints to make you defensive. She's now waiting for you to say something that would make her feel justified. Don't give her that.

The less you say, the better. If you do respond, don't respond to anything specific in her rant. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is ok, but no response may be better.

Meanwhile, read the lessons to the right of the screen. If she does come back, you'll want to be prepared to move forward with good communication skills.