BPDFamily.com

My ex with BPD broke up with me about 10 days ago. Since then she has not contacted me or responded at all to the few emails I wrote initially regarding practical things (money she owed me etc).

If I wrote to her seeking to discuss some kind of reconciliation, would that be a futile effort?

What experiences have you had around this?

No

They may come back but if they do it'll be of their own accord, you can't talk someone into coming back to you it just doesn't work that way, BPD o no BPD

Hello woof,

It appears that you're fairly new here with 37 post. I'm glad you found the website here and as you've read no one here will pass judgement on you or your choices. This is a good place to learn about BPD and what has or hasn't worked for others. With that being said, regardless if someone had OR doesn't have BPD there are no two people alike and what works for one person might not work for another. IT's true that those with BPD exhibit similar behavior overall, but everyone has their own hangups, issues, problems or adjustment issues. You don't say how long you've been with her or how long you've been married but I will assume that this isn't the first time you've broken up or she's raged against you and left. As you've learned, NOTHING will make sense or EVER will make sense when you're in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

I agree with Inferno that they might come back but MOST certainly they will do it on THIER own terms and times. As you've read through some of the other post you will see some return within hours, days or even week & or months. No matter what YOU say or what YOU do THEY will be the ones to determine if and when they reach out. You've also learned through reading the BPD is a VERY SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS.  Remember the 3 C's of BPD. YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!  Maybe you knew this but needed a gentle reminder of something similar from the past. 

Those with BPD like your wife need to feel in control of the relationship and or other situations. She has put you in what I and others refer to as a "TIMEOUT" in order for her to believe she has once again gained control over you for whatever reason. BPDs have an EXTREME fear of "ENGULFMENT".  So they tend to be the ones to leave the relationship first in order to reduce the emotions and fears of YOU leaving them in some warped sense of being in control. This tends to happen when they feel "ENGULFED" from the love and attention you show them.  BPD's also have this "EXTREME" fear of ABANDONMENT so if they believe in their mind that you have left they will come back in order to maintain control over the relationship. It's known as PUSH / PULL in the relationship ... .they pull you in with affection, attention, sex and then push you away with rages, anger, among other acts or behaviors. The cycle will continue to repeat itself again and again in a BPD relationship.

I would encourage you to read or reread the references to the right and at the top and absorb all you can about how serious a mental illness that BPD is. You mentioned "money she owed me", BPD's can have very VERY poor money management skills. My exBPDgf makes six figures a year and is tens of thousands of dollars in debt to her father among other money issues. She is a Ivy league educated with 2 Master degree's, but her erratic BPD behavior boggles even the most educated therapist and Ph.Ds. She is self aware and has been in and out of therapy for over 25 years with multiple therapist. I've been told by more then one therapist that this would be her life ... .constant turmoil, chaos, drama and that this behavior is classic BPD behavior.

I would also encourage you to seek out your own guidance and counseling to help you sort through your feelings, emotions and try to help you understand what BPD is. So in the mean time, you need to take care of yourself. You're probably not eating right or at all. Be sure to stay away from the fast food because nothing good will come of that. You're probably not sleeping much if at all ... .I would recommend Melatonin a natural substance your body produces to help you fall asleep that can be reduced by stress of the events your going through. NOT to worry it's NOT a drug but a natural supplement you can find in the vitamins section of your grocery store. My flight surgeon told me about it when I was in the military when we were night flying or flying over many time zones. I would also encourage you to try and get out & walk at least a mile everyday to burn off some of the stress. It'll only take about 20 minutes of your time but the benefits are amazing. Getting some good endorphins running in your body. If you're under a lot of snow, go to the mall and walk around the mall about 6 times ... .a good 20-30 minutes ... .this will help you sleep too. Call an old friend you haven't talking to for a while and catch up with them. Go over to a buddies house ... .go out with them to get a really good burger and a beer or grill out yourself for some bro-bonding.

Then come back here and vent, write more, tell us how you're doing ... .it can be some what therapeutic to do. But be sure you're taking care of yourself ... .

JQ

Hi woofbarkmeowbeep,

There are a lot of variations -- every relationship is a bit different, so the break-up/make-ups can vary too.

Who usually breaks up when the two of you split? Who is the one who typically reaches out, and have you ever written a reconciliation note to her before? This matters because our own patterns in the relationship can have some influence on what happens next.