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Is dylusional jeoulosy part of BPD to the point where everyday you are accused of cheating. During my relationship with my BPDex it was almost an every day occurence to be accused of " cheating". It came down to no matter what i was doing or where i was i was being accused of being with another woman. In 6 years I never was with anyone else or even wanted any other woman but was accused daily. Any one else suffer the same experience? No matter how much you disputed this you were a " liar"

Yes. It was so bad I was became fearful of all social networks. If anyone commented anything on pictures of me about being attractive I automatically was cheating. I was not allowed to be friends with any women. Every single friendship of mine was skewed and not what it realistically was. According to her everyone wanted me and had ulterior motives with our friendship. None of that was ever true. She went as far as telling my mother that I constantly was cheating on her. I never in our entire relationship cheated. EVER. I also became fearful of going out. She would ALWAYS dysregulate and create issues over anyone who spoke to me when we were out. I couldn't believe how irrational it was let alone exhausting.

Thank you for your reply. It to got to the point that i did not want to go out in social settings anymore with freinds because of the constant accusations and rage. Just prior to the breakup, i told her i was going to attend the wake of a coworkers brother. She flew into a complete state of rage and accusations that i'm no doubt screwing someone seeing u wanna go to a wake tonight. I even sent her a copy of the obituary. It didnt matter. At the end i think the only woman she didnt accuse me of being with were her mother and sister. I'm not on facebook or any other social media so that never came into play. Can you imagine that torture if i was on facebook!

Mine did that also. It was to project his sexually inappropriate relationships onto me. I was celibate for six years before I began dating again, subsequently meeting him.

He could not comprehend that I can control myself and that I have integrity in my friendships, because he has never been that way. Something twisted his view of sex, love, and friendship long ago in childhood or late teens.

I am very happy to be away from that and fully integrated back into my life and friendships.

I too was completely committed to my former girlfriend. She was the only woman I had eyes for. However, she constantly came up with accusations of flirting and had accused me of being a sex addict. I am not a sex addict in the least. She wanted every detail of my former sexcapades. I don't know why I ever told her anything, but I did. It's a boundary that I need to follow in the future. Most of her emotional dysregulations were about sex-related things that she was accusing me of doing. It's amazing that she was the one cheating on me while I was the one capable of monogamy. Sucks!

Anyone's BPD have a cadre of "informers" who would regularly report on your infidelity (which never happened)?

I think she really believed what she was saying - no explanation could dissuade her - she was so unshakable that I was paranoid that there were actually "evil forces" trying to smear me.  But none were ever identified, much less brought forward for discussion.

"X told me you have always been a huge flirt at work - always with all the girls"   (note the absolutes... )

"Y told me you were parked in the back of the parking lot with a girl" (nope)

"I know you went to a whorehouse" (I was stuck in traffic due to a fatal accident - on the news... .)

"Z saw you at Bimbo's house - she has it on her cameras, which never get erased" (nothing/nobody ever produced)

"Someone, whose name I can't remember, says you were dancing with all the women at the party" (No - I sat there alone because she blew it off)

This went on so many times - I kept a running list of my conquests, with the last line always being "who is next?"    And there was always a next one... .

I never knew I was such a Don Juan. 

Sadly when the relationship ended her reasoning was all the " fighting".  I told her you do realize that 99 percent of the fights we had were because of your jeoulosy, insecurity and trust issues. Her answer was i know. It was just a never ending five and a half years of accusations. Sadly 3 days after our breakup i drive by the bar her exbf  owns. This is the same guy who she claimed " cheated" on her, forced her to have an abortion and gave her hpv! Must be some nice guy but she s sitting in his bar! I walked in ordered a beer and left it on the bar just so she knew i knew what she was up to. I never said one word to her.The look in her eyes was priceless.

Lexisdad,

Yes "99% of the fights" (maybe not 99 for me, but most it seems), and I'm ashamed to admit that my ex's attempts to make me jealous had worked. She would accuse me of something and then threaten to perform some sort of revenge. Unfortunately, she tapped into a source of jealousy that I never knew I had.

Stolen,

The cadre of informants that I experienced were a number of unnamed men at our mutual gym. She claimed that men were approaching her and warning her to be careful with me. She said they told her that I was a womanizer. I relate to your experience. I wanted to confront these accusers, but conveniently they were never around when we were there together.

Yes, my exBPDgf also had jealousy and possessive issues. I was never accused of cheating, just of lust. She was very religious. She was jealous of whoever played "cinderella" in the disney movie (she thought this person had cleavage I might be interested in). Also a girl leaving the grocery store. In Costco I looked in a certain direction and she thought someone over there had caught my eye (I was comparing the price of cigarettes to back when I quit 25 yrs ago). etc. etc.

What about your cell phones? Mine saw names in my cell phones of girls who were just friends. She stored these nuggets for later.

I was accused of being a sex addict too. Then of being gay because all my contacts in my phone are guys.

She would take a normal txt mess from work and make it sexual, and to me it was like wow u have to be insane, but she always had a way to shame me into seeing her side, I was living in her fog.

I never cheated on my wife, sadly she is the first and only person I've ever been with.

I started changing all my work /how was ur day stories to old lady's and men no matter who the story was about.  For some reason all the accusations of cheating over the years felt normal till the real paranoia began... .

Coot,

I know so well about changing the narrative of the day to make it "safe".


Otherwise known as Walking on Eggshells... .

This hits so close to home for me. I lived this to the T and now my ex is living back with her ex husband. The guy who made her do all this awful stuff and wasn't good to her but she's "Renting a room from him" and its not what I think LOL

My ex pwbd never had one good relationship that i heard about and the longest before ours was a year. That in itself speaks volumes. Most 36 year old woman in this day and age are married. She was never even engaged before but all she ever talked about was marriage and a baby. Well she had both of those chances with me and threw them both away. Every other guy " cheated" on her. Well i can say that this is one guy who didn't and in the end didnt matter because in her eyes i was " banging" eveything that walked!

I am convinced it is related to Object Constancy - "out of sight, out of mind" does not work for them.  "out of sight, must be cheating" is more like it. 

Yep, even if he had a dream I was accused. It was always an in your face type of dream where I made sure he knew I cheated, and of course, I got the resulting bad attitude, when I did nothing. I was home almost ALL the time with either my family or my son, at church or the store, yet somehow I always had time to cheat. Uh, no. As another example, my dad, who is also uBPD has accused my mom of cheating their entire 31 years of marriage and even went so far as to create some guy he kept seeing her with or coming from or going to the house or the place where she worked... .He seriously believes this guy exists, no evidence. He had a "sex tape" she supposedly made sent to our address but wouldn't let her look at it and they physically fought over that one. She never did get to look at it, but who knows what was actually on it. Obviously not what he said or he would have shoved it in her face, he's vindictive. I think the only reason why she ever really stayed with him is because of fear. He's told her all this time if she ever left him he'd kill her or have her killed. So yeah, completely irrational behavior I think partly inspired by their own doings and feelings because it's a fact my dad cheated on her, many times... .

I agree. He got angry if I went to bed before 10pm when he was not at my house. He insisted on calling my house phone (not my cell, I could be anywhere... .). Did not matter if I was sick or just exhausted. I am so glad to be out of that mess.

The one thing i tried so hard to get her to realize that she was the only woman i truly loved and wanted to commit to. Besides the ivf and engagement we were looking at 600 k houses. She has made 100 grand the past 3 years and only had 8 grand to put down. The lenghts that i was willing to go thru for this woman and i was messing around!  She can stay in her 2 bedroom apt now.

Whenever I was with a female friend she couldn't even get in sleep. The next time I saw her again she would even ask me if I'd slept with her. And you know what the irony is? She only hangs around with guys, I never accused her of cheating.

In the beginning of the RS she did text me a lot and whenever I didn't respond she would suspect me of cheating. Later I've told her that if I'm busy I'm busy, I'm not the kind of guy who checks his phone every 10 minutes.

My BPDh (almost ex)- never accused me of cheating rather he would say things like "I know you would never cheat on me (meaning him)" He is also NPD, which is part of why he always thought I would never leave. Only once before we were married he had accused me of sleeping with men I worked with and said that one of my collegues at the time told him so. In hindsight I now know he was projecting onto me what he was doing, cheating with other women and on many dating and sex sites. I was awful to find out at first, however now I know it was his projection and not anything I was doing.

It's hard to say with my most recent uBPD ex. We were dating other people when we first got together, and continued doing so up to a point. So in a way, that lends a certain credibility to her paranoia (especially long distance) that I might cheat on her, even though I absolutely wouldn't have (and didn't) once we had decided to be monogamous. She also decided that since it wasn't ME who instigated the transition to monogamy that I "didn't love her enough" to be exclusive.

She was absolutely silent about this for months and months, so I figured everything was relatively okay in the trust department - that is, until she terminated the relationship. Then it eventually all came out about exactly how delusional and paranoid she had been about a lot of little things (Facebook likes, positive comments that I would make offhandedly about other women, silly harmless teasing things that I had said about her ... .), all of which were ridiculous assertions and in no way meant that I was cheating or going to cheat. I literally could have built a case and made the exact same accusations about her, or anyone else that I know for that matter.

She told me once that she had even had horrible stress dreams about me cheating on her.

A few of you have brought up the "dreams" your ex's would have. Mine too was plagued by these dreams. So much she was unable to recognize them as dreams and believed they were 100% real. She would tell people I was cheating on her because in her dreams I was but in real life that was so far from the truth.

I'm so glad to read this thread! My soon to be ex and I are in the final death throes of our relationship, which has consisted for the past year of no more than a week at a time without me being ditched because of her delusional jealousy.

I'm ditched, not because of the actual "act " itself, but because I refuse to accept responsibility for my actions, and so am a liar as well as a daily affair haver. And the fights I cause by doing this are unbearable to ex. Not only does she have to put up with a partner who cannot go a single day without having sex or wanting to have sex with every person she comes across, (shop assistants, co workers, the workman mending the road, all my friends, my cousin, daughter's friend's parents, any and everyone) but then I have the audacity to complain about her accusatiins, which are ALWAYS justified, because even if sometimes she is forced to admit that on this occasion it wasn't actually physically possible for me to have done whatever, it's no wonder she thought it, given all the other times I've done it. (At this point I do just have to clarify, that like most of you, I've been so besotted with ex that ive not even noticed most other people, let alone fancied them).

As for the cadre of informers- I can't go anywhere and do anything without it being turned into some vile sexual thing, With Evidence, reported by someone. Which is never seen of course. And of course it's perfectly ok for her to talk to Everyone about my infidelities.

FB is a complete nightmare- I never go on it now and dread someone posting on my timeline. On my birthday last year, someone I knew 15 years ago wished me happy birthday, the one and only contact we've ever had,  and I was dumped because she wasn't playing second fiddle to him any more and there was no room for the three of us in our relationship.  I ended up blocking the poor guy.

For two years I closed my life down and never went out, have phone on do not disturb whe im with her, so nobody can contact me, until I was dumped because she dreamt about me having an affair and I realised that it didnt matter if I'd stayed in a room with no door and window and access to communication, I'd still be ditched for thinking of other people.

So now I try and see a friend a week and try and go out every couple of months, but every single time, without fail, I'm ditched because of having sex with someone or at the very least, touting for sex, even if I'm not able to get it sometimes.

And throughout it all, ex is in regular contact with exes, people she's had flings with, people she's accused of being sexual predators on her one day but goes for dinner at their house the next... .And when I dare say how difficult I find this, I'm trying to control her and she'll do what she wants. And anyway, she tells me, our relationship is so unequal, what with my secret life that I never admit to, and my constant nights out on the pull ( I went out three times last year, two works nights and a birthday ) that she's just trying to redress the balance.

Sorry, I've just read this back and I sound a bit bitter and ranty. I am. I have poured my life into this woman and trying to accommodate and understand her needs and insecurities and to be told yet again what a lying cheating uncaring slag I am, is hard.

And the reason I've stayed is? Seeing it in black and white  here, I'm horrified. And yet... .

Ugh, yes, the delusional jealousy. I went to a movie with a lady friend because she had a free ticket, and I was pretty far down the ladder of people to invite. When my ex found out I was going with her she threw a fit, said it's "tantamount to cheating." My friend and I met at the movie theater, talked briefly, watched the movie, said goodbye, went our separate ways. Completely innocent.

This is coming from a girl who went on many a "just friends" date then rubbed it in my face afterwards and who at that very moment was lining up my replacement.

Finallyittin,

The past 5 years of my relationship with my BPDex was like this. I became an emotional recluse because no matter where i went, what i was doing i was cheating. No matter where we went i was checking out other woman. It didn't matter if she was 70 years old or a totally unattractive woman. Never once in 6 years did ever have an urge to be with any one else. Looking back it was sadistic torture having to deal with the baseless accusations. I'm a police officer i interact with people every day. Certainly doesnt mean i'm out trolling and trying to pick up any one. I'm not on facebook or social media as she is but that didn't matter i was a "manwh-re" to her.

Mine did the same. In the beginning I was told "I'm gonna need to know if you're going to be liking girls pictures on Facebook... ." I found this odd and it came out that her ex bf did this. So she decided to carry it into our relationship. Now that's a red flag that says "I haven't mourned and accepted the loss of my ex so I'm gonna make YOU him."

But my question is why? This is obviously projection but does this mean THEY are guilty and have done it? (The cheating part - are they guilty)

I don't in all honesty believe mine has cheated on me, or at least not what she would consider cheating (emotionally maybe) and I think it comes from a huge insecurity in her part.

I've asked her why she stays with someone who she believes acts as I do, and she said that she knows really I don't, but at the moment of thinking whatever, she totally completely believes it to be true. She's also asked me on several occasions what I get our of staying with her when I'm so beautiful I coukd have anyone I want (as if, I wish!) and said its hard being with someone as amazing as me- moments before she paints me black and finds another way I'm evil personified.

It makes me so very desperately sad, but the bottom line is that it doesn't matter how much I try and reassure her, validate her feelings, or prove my constancy and adoration, she just cannot believe in me and trust me. It makes me sad, but also so very angry, frustrated, hurt and exhausted.

You hit the nail on the head. When this ended i said to her do you truly believe i cheated on you?  Her answer was no i do not. Then why did you accuse me and her answer was" i dont know". She claimed every ex before me cheated and i guess she was expecting the same. Who really knows maybe they did maybe they didn't that was only her side of the story.

The worst accusation I got was she accused me of going to my mother's house to have sex with her.  She got graphic on how it took place. 

MONTHS after his ex-gf sent a hateful PM on FB to me (while we were in Kauai!), informing me he had been over twice only the month before in April (around or on my and my son's birthday) to 'bring mail' only to end up having sex (which I heard her VM on his phone 'did you tell her you f&*$d me?' I tried to work through his denial.

Fast forward to moving my son into another place where he could live during college in a state 6 hours away. We went to a Cocos (as is our tradition) on the way back to our state. I am there with him, my 21 year old son, my best girlfriend of 25+ years, wide open at 9am... .

In walks a guy I went to college with, years ago. He is married and was there with all of his teen and young adult children. He sat right in front of my line of vision... .

Quandary:

1. I ignore him and then he will see me in about 2 seconds, come over to say hello and I get accused of a cover-up.

2. I get my big-girl panties on, tell my table that I see an old classmate (that is a friend on FB, God Help Me... .) and go say hello, bring him to our table, be transparent, and introduce him to my man first, with great honor.

I chose #2. All seemed well; I never socialized with this guy outside of seeing him in the halls - he was BIO and I was CHEM. He went to the same crappy little high school I did but was 4 years behind and I never knew him. I knew all heck would break loose after I waved to his kids, cut it short, and the guy shook everyone's hands but wanted a hug from me; even though I tried to shake his hand. It got worse when he said, "hey, next time you are in town, give me a call... .we will grab a beer!" OH LORD.

The FULL 6-hour drive home, he screamed at me. Saying there was nothing I could have done differently, I did nothing wrong, but he continued to rage to the point that I was terrified as he was driving and I had nowhere to go in the desert. By the time we got home, it turned out that I literally gave the guy oral pleasure while in the middle of the restaurant. I was going to go back to Arizona and have an affair... .I did not know his relationship status with his wife; only what he posted. He may cheat... .blah blah... .

He continued flipping out for the full week thereafter on the phone, email, and ugly texts. I did not know about JADE at this time. I wish I had.

This from the guy that had sex with a married woman, his wife's step sister that he saw grow up and was barely legal, some other twink he met in a bar before he met me, and his ex... .all during our 1.5 year relationship.

He did those things because I MADE him due to my "inappropriate" relationship with that guy and others that knew me and said hello.

I see what I am writing and all I can do is laugh. Who was that stupid woman that went through that, only to come back for more?  

JaneStorm, thank you so much for that story! I've had several similar things happen to me, and you described so well the sinking feeling of knowing that there is no way this is going to end well, no matter what you do or say.

And then normalising it all. Because it does become your normal after a while.

Which is why I guess, even though we've spent yet another 4 days of my life "fighting" about my latest infidelity and my future ones, and I've told her to leave me alone because I am sick of being called a nasty cheating lying slag, I'm waiting for a text to come, a phone call, anything. Because that's my normal. But it just isn't ok.

Yup ! I was accused of flirting with friends just friends on FB. Then my ex would actually stalk that persons FB page. She told me that "all" her exs cheated on her. Knowing now what she is I somehow find it hard to believe.