BPDFamily.com

The dynamics of my situation are probably familiar to many people on this message board. I have a mother with severe BPD, and although my contact with her is somewhat limited (I do not live in the same country as her) I nevertheless find myself still on the receiving end of episodes of intense anger and rage. A couple of days ago she 'turned' again, and I'm still reeling from it.

My mother brought me up more or less as a single parent, and as a result these episodes therefore had an especially significant impact during my childhood. At 25 years of age, I recognise I am rather emotionally maldeveloped. While I am not diagnosed with BPD, I recognise in myself shades of thought that I think are quite akin to those of someone with BPD. For how ever much I wish to restrain myself from thinking in black and white terms, especially towards the people around me, I regularly find myself doing precisely this. I never feel able to give a person my trust, not even my closest friends, and often I convince myself that there is some reason or another that my friends secretly resent me. I can over analyse a casual glance or a throw-away comment for days on end. I have bouts of emotional numbness and intense feelings of worthlessness, leading to suicide ideation.

I think the key factor in why I haven't been diagnosed with BPD is that I am able to moderate my outward behaviour in relation to these thoughts. Usually I recognise quickly that I am idolising one person and demonising another, and I therefore take a step back and remind myself that everyone is human and therefore no one's solely perfect nor totally ill-intending. When I feel worthless I remind myself of the things I have achieved, and although sometimes it takes a while for me to convince myself that not everyone around me hates me I mostly don't get into angry confrontations with people -- in fact, it's a very rare occurrence. I try to not project my assumptions about people's thoughts and feelings, opting instead to try and open up dialogue with them. Whilst growing up, I always had the feeling that I was the one in the wrong, and while as an adult this sentiment lingers in the form of a sometimes dangerous 'it's always my fault'-mentality (often taking a bit more blame than what is actually necessary), I think it equally stops me from thinking that it's everyone else who is the problem. Since moving away from my family home and after going to therapy for a year, I'm gradually learning how to look at things from a more neutral standpoint.

The thing that bugs me a lot still though is that I feel that the destructive thought patterns I have are really my default way of thinking. It's like: I have a destructive thought (eg, 'This friend really hates me as they just cancelled our coffee date, which obviously is because they can't stand to be around me', and although I can take steps away from that initial thought and see it through a more neutral lens ('Actually they probably are just really snowed under with work like they say they are', and I moderate my outward behaviour (I don't accuse them of being an inconsiderate, selfish jerk and instead rearrange our appointment), that initial thought is always going to be the type of *initial* thought I have. It's like when you're having your reflexes tested and your knee jumps in response to being hit by the rubber hammer. It's your instinctive reaction. I'd like to one day be able to approach life whereby my neutral thoughts are my initial thoughts, but I feel like this is such an impossibility.

Can anyone else relate to this?

I can absolutely relate to this! I went NC with my uBPDmom and also went through a year of therapy. While things are so so so much better now, I have realized that I still have a lot of work to do on myself. The way you describe dealing with these irrational, destructive thoughts is exactly my tactic too. I can't control how I feel but I can control how I react to those feelings. For me, a big part of my recovery has been building up my self-esteem which I think is helping break my negative thought patterns. I've been taking pottery classes for 6 months now and it has been a tremendous part of my healing process. Trying something new that I was afraid of failing at, and then... .not failing at it was a big confidence boost. The social interactions it forces me into has also been really really good for my self-esteem. All this has helped to quiet that negative voice in my head.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it does get easier. For me, the thoughts haven't gone away completely but I've found that they are a lot quieter. I can only hope that as I continue this journey they will eventually fade away completely.

Hi Waverly 

What you describe in yourself is common in me too, and I believe many of us struggle with this. It truly is a default, a reflexive action, one that is tough to overcome. Something that I remembered this week when I had one of these moments is a comment my T shared with me: When you struggle with the thoughts of 'what did I do wrong,' rephrase it to be 'WHAT are they upset with, not WHO are they upset with.' That helped me a lot to not feel as if I were the responsible party.

Have you read some books that are helpful to you while you explore and learn about BPD? How did you find our site here?

Loking forward to hearing more of your story. |iiii

Wools

I can definitely relate. I tend to over-analyze everything, and it is often because of automatic negative thoughts. When I was in therapy for severe depression my therapist used cognitive behavioral therapy, which is taking the negative thoughts, recognizing how they are distorted, and correcting them. It might be helpful for you to look into it. I admit, I should use the techniques more, but it is hard to when you are caught up in anxious or very negative thinking patterns.

Hey there Waverly,

I can also relate with what you are saying, tend to overanalyze stuff also, am working on CBT techniques all the time (although destructive thoughts still often pop up - but tends to be less over time).

The thing that is scary to me is the fact that we have learnt many distorted thinking patterns/coping mechanisms from our uBPD parent etc.  Even though not necessarily to their extremes,  I have finally realized many of these and currently in therapy & doing CBT to change these.

Cheers,

Anon72