BPDFamily.com

Hi there!

It happens that we, as somebody who loves a person dealing with BPD or similar issues, endure seemingly paradox or hopeless situations, right?

Situations that almost any outside observer, no matter if they know all the details or not, would advise us to end? Situations that are very challenging emotionally for us, but we simply cannot give up yet, since we're not dead inside yet and somehow still see this spark of hope? A spark that is kindled by things that were said and done, by signals and signs?

I won't go too much into detail, but as a few times before, I'm following my gut feeling and hope that things might work out again, waiting for her to return (maybe even only emotionally, as a friend), in a situation that seems totally ridiculous from the outside.

I'm not sure what kind of reply you want since your questions are posed in a rhetorical manner. This is the staying-board though. So; good luck. I hope she'll come back and things will be better. You might want to set some kind of definite limit as to what you are willing to take before you end it (in case she's not treating you any better) for your own sake.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, LonelyChild, but your support is very welcome.

I think i must be really crazy, as quickly as my own mood is swinging. From being devastated earlier, it seems I managed to get myself into a much better place.

Over the last hours I took some inventory of what happened and the abuse I endured.

I am now at a point where I can say "I don't deserve any of this." Which hopefully gives me strength to grow and power over the nostalgia, the ability to be a little more indifferent about her and her ways when I can't be there for her. If she doesn't return, that's her choice and I will hopefully be able to move forward, away from treatment nobody deserves. If she returns when I have gotten better, it can only work if she gets better, too and if we both work on ourselves.

Now I realise, that I've been in this position before, but the pain of the last recycle cycle completely made me lose my self-worth again.

Hey Crazytoo, It seems like you are hoping for another recycle.  Are you?  If so, you are in good company as most of us (including me) have done it.  The only question I have for you is: what makes you think it will work out differently next time?  Only you know the right path for you.

LuckyJim

Thanks, Jim.

This time around there had been so much promising development on our communication level, a trust level, which I would have never even hoped for or could have imagined to happen. Really so much opening up, truth, empathy and trust that it was almost scary. That never seen before high had to be followed up by its negation and I'm thinking it could pick up from what we had built up.

Hey Crazytoo, I've been there before too.

I think moving on is kind of a paradox too. It happens just like our desire to reconcile does. We only move on when we move on. That is a bit tautological, but your hopefully questions will have answers one day.

I think it's a smart thing to follow your gut, as long as you are not overtly destroying yourself physically or emotionally. No one is perfect, and no one can know the future. Staying as positive as we can is the best thing we can do for ourselves.