BPDFamily.com

Time is on your side

“an action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure.” - Genghis Khan

There are many post on the board from people who have received various forms of contact from their ex. This can cause a mixture of emotions and most come here to seek counsel on what to do next. Some genuinely ask to be strapped to the mast while the sirens call but most, if they are honest with themselves, know in their heart they are going to reply.

I learned something through experience lately which if I had known before my last two failed relationships, would have made the breaking up process a lot less regrettable. The past is in the past now and I have no emotional attachment to either girl (I was dating girls not women which has nothing to do with their age) but I learned something valuable from each experience and the lesson is twofold:

a.   Emotions cloud judgement

b.   The more time you leave between interactions, the less emotions will affect your reply.

So, initially when you get that text message or email, It’s not about what you say or how you say it. It’s all about allowing yourself time to digest what has just happened. The message may contain things that make you angry, sad, confused and hurt, but guess what, you aren’t going to get a knock on the door from the “message back police” if you don’t reply within the hour. If you are conflicted over what you should do next then give it time is the answer. If it has made you angry then be angry, if it has upset you then be upset, but I promise if you give it time you will be a lot less angry and upset in two days than you are now.

When we take action in such a negative emotions we often regret what we said and want to take it back. So for me it isn’t about whether you should reply or not, just promise yourself initially that whatever you feel at the time you will give it a day or two before sending your reply, and when he or she replies to your reply, the same applies again.

Who knows, if you give it enough time you may not feel the need to reply at all.

V

I am feeling extremely anxious today.

The whole divorce happened so quickly and it all seems so surreal to me.

I look back and think of all the things I allowed to happen in my life since I met her.

I allowed this twisted sociopath to bring me to my knees.  I lost my job, my teenager (first marriage, probably another BPD), moved out because she couldn't take it anymore, I'm having to start all over again in my late 40s, I am anxious about money, I am worried about the future of our 4 year old, I am isolated from all my friends, and repairing with my family.

I feel so betrayed and discarded.  All the sacrifices I made for her which she never appreciated.

Nothing was ever good enough.

But it was my choice.

I still remember when we were friends I once called her "a black hole of need."

Why didn't I heed my own warning?

Ugh

a.   Emotions cloud judgement

b.   The more time you leave between interactions, the less emotions will affect your reply.

... .


This is so important and so correct

Thanks for this, visitor. I have been in limbo since the weekend. I needed to hear this today. :)