BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

It's been a little over a year since I left my diagnosed BPD ex girlfriend/fiance. There are some concerns and questions.

I saw a therapist for a bit in the months following, after I'd found out she got pregnant with the rebound a month into the relationship, which started the day I told her not to contact me anymore. I also found out she'd given me an incurable STI.

Something that concerns me is the indecision I'm facing at the event of being offered a new job in place of the one I've been at but dread going to every day. I've been diagnosed with ADHD before and have started blaming my current indecision on that and making the connection that perhaps that relationship failed because I couldn't decide whether I wanted to stay or go for a whole year, and that maybe her behavior was partly my fault because of that.

However it seems ADHD related indecision pertains to more mundane tasks and decisions, not so much life altering emotional ones, so who knows? Its almost like this current job is tied in with memories of my ex, and maybe that makes things messy.

Also, I wound up being friends with a guy who had a kid with a very codependent "crazy b*tch" 9 years ago who's story has many parallels with mine. We discussed codependency and how the women we knew continued the same cycle. I want to believe I'm the one choosing to make a recovery, but how do you begin to recognize that if you still have these daily thoughts about your ex? I started out thinking about her and the new guy every morning, feeling that pain. Then I woke up thinking about how foolish she is. Nowadays I wake up and can get through under an hour without thinking of it. At this rate, it seems recovery and finding peace about my decisions is so far away, and how can I trust myself to pick the right job when that's going on?

I don't have answers to any of this--but I feel like we're in similar places. About a year out. Relationship petered put over the course of our last year largely because I couldn't commit to it. I can't decide whether my hesitation was because I'm indecisive, and then the hesitation caused him to spiral out of control, or whether I was holding back because my gut took note of the red flags. It's a chicken and egg thing. I would say, who cares? It's over. But it does matter, as you say, because there's the problem of what work needs to be done on myself now. I am STILL an indecisive person. If I were a more decisive person, I could just decide it never would have worked and move on.