BPDFamily.com

Good morning.

As many of you know I have been on BPD Family for close to four years now. I joined when my relationship with my ex turned "crazy making" and I couldn't figure out what was happening. I have always been a communicator and I could not communicate with this person. Everything I said was wrong and I was a horrible, abusive person (her words, not mine). I researched "circular arguments", "push-pull", "recycling exes" and eventually found this site.

For four years I have posted, listened and even disappeared for awhile. Sometimes I've wanted to respond to a post but bit my tongue. Sometimes I feverishly read these boards looking for answers, reassurance or some sort of assurance I am not crazy.

When I look at my relationships, specifically with women I have noticed I am the common denominator when it comes to hostile, dramatic unions. I started thinking maybe this is all me, maybe I am nuts. I started looking at my patterns, my past relationships (with both men and women) and I realized this... .

The fact I am even trying to figure this out makes me far from crazy. It makes me AWARE.

:)

I am estranged from my mother, her twin sister and my own biological sister. I have had three friendships abruptly end this year. When I look at the dynamics I can see I was raised in a very BPD filled environment. I attract, and I trigger this personality and specifically those affected with this disorder.

I attract what I have seemingly been accustomed to as "normal". It's not. Growing up in a house with a mother who picked fights before any major life events (she never has attended a graduation for me or any other important event) I learned to not negotiate, to not even try. I learned it was easier to let them b___ and complain... .It would eventually pass. What this did was lower my respect for myself, their respect for me, and I allowed others to emotionally beat me up and berate me. Eventually my low self worth permitted my ex to physically abuse me as well. I became a pin-cushion for A-holes.

Two years ago my best friend (of over 20yrs) dropped out of my life. She is extremely religious and I assumed it was because I was in a same sex union. During those two years I came to terms with it. I grieved our friendship, wished her well (not personally but from my heart) and moved on.

Two years later (this past October) my doorbell rings. It is this friend on my doorstep in tears with a bag in her hand. She asks me if she can come in and eat her dinner... .mind you she picked up dinner... .for herself... .not to share it. lol.

I am in pjs and my dog is barking, house a mess. But here is this wounded soul on my porch reaching out. My best friend of over 20yrs. We had no closure other than what I gave myself the past two years and here she is. I let her in... .

again.

So she starts to tell me her mother is dying and literally talks for an hour about all the bad things happening in her life. She is eating a hot dog, crying and to me this is all very surreal.

When she leaves I am not sure what to think. The next day she starts emailing me.

What I start to notice is I am not reaching out at all. I think her having abruptly left my life made me emotionally numb. So everyday she emails me complaining about her life. If I don't respond she starts to text me. All the conversations are about her and how badly people treat her. She is the eternal victim.

This past week I call her out on disappearing. It had bothered me for two years. What I find out is she stopped speaking to me because apparently I compared the death of her week old baby to losing my BPD ex.

I cannot imagine in my life I would EVER make that comparison. She started to scream at me and tell me what a horrible person I am. She proceeded to tell me she did not owe me any apologies as this was about HER baby.

All I did was express my feelings and now I am being told two years later I am a horrible monster... .

after SHE reached out to me.

We ended the call and I did feel bad. I was in a very low place with my ex two years ago and maybe I said something that was misinterpreted. I am only human. I know the death of a baby is nowhere even comparable to my ex cheating on me and leaving.

Two hours later I get a message on FB to please respect her wishes and not "call, text, facebook or email" her. That this is the birthday week of her deceased baby and she hopes I respect that.

So I don't contact her. I am already in shock from her screaming at me.  When we were on the phone she let out a very guteral almost primal scream like I was stabbing her. To be honest, it was scary and un-nerving. I found myself trying to calm her and diffuse the situation (as I would do with my ex) and it only made it worse, her blaming me more and more.

So later that day I notice she has unfriended me, my family and pretty much every mutual acquaintance off Facebook. I make the decision something is "off" and I need to move on. Her actions spun me into PTSD symptoms after her call to me so I decide to block her.

This was Tuesday. Wednesday I am off work, nothing, Thursday she starts blowing up my phone. I had 45 missed calls within a two hour period. Then she starts calling my work. She is not leaving messages she is just calling and calling begging me to pick up the phone. I finally text her to stop calling me at work and respect my boundaries. I wish her the best but I do not wish to continue a friendship.

She called me at work for three hours straight. Eventually she FB messaged my boyfriend. He has not read the message.

Clearly there is something horribly wrong with my longtime friend. The lack of boundaries... .she had always been like this but I summed it up to her being "quirky".

For once, in four years I don't feel bad about ending a relationship with someone. I am finally at the place I can tell the difference between normal and irrational, emotionally charged behavior. Did my blocking trigger this? Likely. But I am at the point I am not going to accommodate emotional terrorists. Homeland Security doesn't accommodate terrorists... .why should I allow them into my psyche?

PW

 

I know in your post you mentioned some ppl who have BPD in your life. Just curious... .Does this best friend of 20 yrs have BPD or something else?

Rock Chick,

   I honestly don't know. There is definitely something wrong. The incessant calls and emotional outburst... .lack of boundaries.

I feel horrible for her loss, the loss of an innocent child. However that doesn't give anyone the right to emotionally inhihilate someone four years later... .

I've learned I need to walk away. People will show you who they are. It is NOT our responsibility to help them. There is nothing wrong with picking up the pieces and going home.

We are all entitled to our feelings. Our feelings are different. That's OK.

The BPD in my life also calls tons of times and has emotional outbursts and the lack of boundaries and respecting them as well she does not have adult prospectives or however the term is. Does this friend have black and white thinking and sees you either as all good and next minute or so you are all bad for lack of better wording?


I agree losing a child is definitely a horrible thing no parent should have to go threw that. Everyone is entitled to have feelings and thoughts to what ppl do and say but it sounds like from your words she crossed a line and gave you a reaction that would of made more sense 4 yrs ago when the loss occurred. Just curious do you think they have perhaps not fully dealt with the loss of their child yet well not fully I mean and perhaps that elevated their reaction or do you think they perhaps have BPD or something else or was having bad day? I dont know either of you nor the history so I cant say anything for sure just throwing out some thoughts that came to mind when reading your reply. I hope others will chime in and reply to your posts :)

I guess you have to do a pros and cons of remaining friends with them and keeping in contact with them one too. You just might have to walk away too if you havent already. We can only do so much for someone and meet them half way.

I wish you the best. Thanks for posting and replying to my comment. :)

Hi PW

Sorry you had to go through another bout of crap just to prove how much more resilient you've become over time! 

Your reference to 'quirky' interests me. I like quirky. Quirky makes me feel comfortable as I consider myself a bit quirky myself. My ex was a bit quirky and I liked that.

Maybe it's worth considering where quirky ends and crazy begins? Maybe a lot of us are attracted to quirky and end up with crazy as opposed to simply being attracted to pwBPD per se.

Just a thought.


Fanny

I'm so sorry you went thru this. Being involved with BPDs are bad enough to deal with. I unfortunately also let go of my childhood friend from birth. She was the ones who introduced me to me ex as teens. Well I have come to learn since my ex came back that my childhood friend became another person I did not recognize. She is dating this guy who btw is an ex heroin user/ alcoholic . Off the stuff for 3 years. My friend is a special ed teacher. Anyway my ex after she dumped me texted this friend via Facebook and she never responded to my ex. Then 2 days later my ex contacted this friend again and still she did not reply to my ex. This friend told me this herself and that her loser boyfriend whom I think controls my friend told her to stay out of this. Well after weeks of calls that go unanswered or I'll call you in a few and that never happens. To texts going one word replies or not answer at all I've decided to walk away. I did text my now ex friend and told her that and her reply was oh sorry u feel that way I will cherish our childhood times. That was it! Meanwhile she knew it was me all this time trying to make and keep this freindship going. At the end she could care less. The point is people change. I am so sorry you went thru this. But let her go. She obviously has issues and if she does not want to admit to them ... .Like our exs then you can't help her.

Hi Pretty Woman

Like the others, I'm sorry you had to go through this, but wow! Your post is inspirational in showing your self awareness and growth - thank you for sharing this.

It's interesting to me that you say about your difficult relationships with women. I've always had good relationships with women and difficult relationships with men - I always assumed that was why I felt more comfortable in sexual / intimate relationships with women, but maybe not!

Fanny B - I love your thoughts on the quirky-crazy continuum, it makes complete sense to me - I've always loved quirky and been bored by 'mainstream' - and have recently begun to think that this might be part of my issue... .

Thank you all for the replies.

Just an update. My friend called a few more times the next day, after work hours. I sent her a text. Maybe it was too wordy, maybe I shouldn't have responded but I basically said she asked me to give her space and I did that. By bombarding me with calls at work she was not respecting me nor my boundaries.

I told her I was not ignoring her and I know this is a difficult time given its the anniversary of her child's death. I told her if she would like to talk to reach out in a month or so but she needs this time and I hope she is getting some help besides just the clergy (a priest had been counseling her hence why she stopped speaking to me two years ago. What does a priest know about being a woman who lost a part of her).

I don't want to continue a friendship with her. My sympathy for her loss made me respond. I want her to be happy and I know she is dead inside... .still, I don't deserve to be the punching bag and I won't allow it.

PW