BPDFamily.com

Came here the vent in a safe healthy place instead of ranting about my uBPDxw to friends and family.

Today (Fri Jan 29)is my birthday. My kids (16&11) didn't even acknowledge it. It would have been nice to hear a "Happy Birthday Dad". Especially for all the sacrifices I've made for them over the last 2-1/2 years. I'm not upset with them nor do I blame them No kid remembers their parents birthdays until they are older. A DECENT person would tell their kids to say happy birthday to the other parent at the very least. In reality any DECENT parent would get a little gift for the children to give to the other parent. It's not about the parents. It's about the kids and teaching them how to honor and give thanks for their parents. I know my kids are going to feel hurt when they find out. They're good boys and they'll probably feel like they let me down. She shouldn't do that to them! I will not reply in kind. On her birthday I will make sure the boys give her a card and a gift. Even though It annoys me to spend a nickel on her. 2 wrongs don't make a right.

God I am so sick of this person having to be in my life because of our kids. Thank God I have primary custody as it limits me having to deal with her. Mental illness or not I really don't like who she is anymore. I just hope and pray that my 2 sons domt pick up any of this BPD from her.

Thanks for letting me share!

MWC... .*)

Hey MWC, that has to hurt. My parents regularly forget my birthday and it still makes me feel sad.

Anyway, happy belated birthday 

I've had to learn to make my own birthday special for me, and invite people into my plans to do something fun. That way I make sure at least one person (me) who is looking out for me shows me I matter  :)

Doing something like lnl suggested could also act as a cue/reminder to your kids that your Birthday is coming up.  You could also give hints about some things they could do on their own to celebrate your Birthday.  Let them know that you would love something homemade.  They could make you a card or something else depending on their own skills and abilities. You could offer to pay for supplies for their homemade gifts.  You could suggest that you would love it if they cook you a birthday dinner for example or make you a birthday cake.  Or you could not ask for gift at all from them, other than their time. Go out and do something special you like to do together... .Your favorite restaurant and that movie you've all been waiting to see for example.

Remember your kids have to negotiate and deal with their mother too, not reminding her that they love you too is probably the road of less conflict for them.  You also know that the ex will not encourage the relationship they have with you so it's up to you to encourage it from your end.

I totally understand your frustration and disappointment with the ex but she is what she is.  Your example will teach your kids another way.

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Panda39

Hi MWC,

First, happy belated birthday  :)

A few months after she first moved out, I made a Mother's day card from the kids. I never got an acknowledgement, nor anything on FD. This past year, the second, I got a gift card from my Ex, belatedly, but she didn't remind them it was my BD that weekend. I can excuse this as they being young. It must hurt more that your kids are teens and should know better, aside from their mom. As much as you've been The Parent these past few years, it must hurt more. You know what their mom did. Your boys are old enough to know better. I wouldn't suggest FOGing them, but you know who their mom is, as much as it may still cause pain by expecting her to be someone she is not.

You've been a great father under very difficult circumstances. It sucks to be taken for granted. Interact with them as the single father that you have been.

This stuff is so tough.  What I've learned, partially through reading, is to develop a thick skin about certain things.  It is not easy to practice and I am frequently informed by others that I am "complaining about ex" too much.  Keep expectations neutral.  Don't get too high and don't get too low.  Through the research about alienation a consistent instruction that is given is to not take things personally.  I remind myself this over and over.  It takes practice, discipline, is not fool proof but if not practicing this it can develop problems in yourself.  This then leads to "self."  Make sure you're doing things to not lose yourself, do good things for yourself and continue doing the things you like to do.  You have to be able to look to something good when you're not getting the gratification from your children.   

Did you have your kids on your birthday? If not , next time you have your kids, I agree with the others, celebrate your birthday with them.   Its hard to do for us quite one, but make a show of it. Think of it to teaching kids to be caring and in tune to others.  ( yes you caring about their mom on her birthday is teaching them to care but they need to know you exist too!)

Don't wait for them to do something nice, have them do something like a chore you normally do, have them do it. And with their gloomy faces doing it, put on a show of how much it means to you.  And cook and bake at home with them knowing what that cake or dinner is for, or go out for pizza and a movie together... .for YOUR birthday.

For all of my marriage and more so with kids, xh ,Npd, expected me to do a showy celebration with lots of gifts,

for his birthday.   He would ask kids... .who's birthday is coming up ? Why its daddy's! Over and over.

My birthday, opposite.  He turned it into a boring chore. On of my last ones with xh, I had cooked my birthday meal ahead of time so all that was needed was to warm it in the oven. He knew that. He didn't like that and very demanded I cook something else for him. Dishes... .ok I didn't t have to them that day, I was allowed to do them the next day.

So that's what my kids were taught. So now it's like I'm unteaching them and re teaching .

It's difficult because I have to draw attention to me and make someone else , my kids, think of me. Otherwise ... .it's all about their dad. Mom doesn't matter.  Part of P.A. reversal.

My last birthday,I had kids half the day,  I took us out to eat. I know xh would grill them on what we did for my birthday and that would get back to him... .and it would make him cringe.

MYC, happy birthday 

lnl, that's sucks for your parents not remembering yours. 

Here's a thought... .I have tried to surprise my son throughout the year, that is, from the heart and not on a certain semi-obligated day.  I know it hurts now but do you think that this concept might help, for you and the kids to select Surprise Days?  It might need some reminders along the way to get started and keep going but could be one way to make new happy traditions.

Happy birthday!

I'm sorry the kids didn't acknowledge it. I know how disappointing that is. My DH has tried to call SD on several of his birthdays, her birthdays, holidays, etc and uBPDbm doesn't let SD talk to him. Not even a phone call? Yuck. 

For her birthday and mother's day I always take SD11 to pick out gifts for uBPDbm. Even when we're in debt up to our eyeballs because she keeps fighting about dumb stuff in court.

Then last year she argued about having SD11 on father's day, because apparently DH shouldn't care and it's "just another day". 

It's frustrating taking the high road.

I worked with a woman once who had gone through DV and a subsequent divorce.  She said that her first birthday after the divorce, she was disappointed when the kids did not remember it.  Then, she realized that they couldn't be expected to without reminders (not sure what age they were) and since her ex wouldn't do that, it was up to her.  So after that, she would cheerfully (almost singsong) remind them "Three weeks until my birthday!  Start saving now for a lovely gift!" and continue with this same silly reminder right up until her big day.