BPDFamily.com

I really don't know where to begin. I just have a few things to say for the moment. I'm not terribly ready to discuss specific incidents yet.

I decided to join when I asked my boyfriend this question, as I realized he probably hasn't lived the experience to provide an answer.

"Where does having a spine end and lacking compassion for the mentally ill begin?" Meaning, when I stand my ground and it triggers an episode in a BPD sufferer with a high blood pressure diagnosis, I feel guilty in my heart - even when my brain knows I'm right. Not sure how to feel about all of this.

After tonight's BPD episode. I overheard my BPD mom make sure her husband was prepared to take her to the hospital as she claims to feel really bad. I'm almost certain this was theatre for my consumption. During the episode, I was told I was a horrible, abusive SOB, and that she wished she has me aborted. What triggered this was a silly, ill considered, but benignly intended joke about my grandmother's malingering and attention seeking. Apparently, my grandmother is closer to death than I know (I have my doubts), and despite my saying 8 times that I'd stop calling out her malingering, the episode occured.

A little about me: I very likely have BPD of a subclinical severity. Enough that I am aware of the ugly behaviours and catch them in time at least 9 times out of 10. I love my mother, but am lately frequently considering ending my relationship with her. Then the guilt of abandonment sets in... .

Help!

Hello SonofaBPD,

*welcome*

I've found that pwBPD (people with BPD), often don't get a sense of humor that may lean towards being off-beat or dark. I'll admit to being like that. I'll also say that I have waifish traits, and past anxiety which I've mostly gotten over given 25 years  LC, until recently. It's a struggle for many children of parents with BPD. You're in good company 

It seems like you're triggered by this recent episode, and of course there is a long history here. Where do you feel that you are "at risk" so to speak, during this current episode? You've likely been struggling for a while. Can you give us more of a back story on your mother's BPD traits?

Turkish

Hi SonofaBPD,

You raise a very pertinent question. And I’m sorry to hear you have been placed between a hard place and rock.  It’s only natural for us to defender ourselves when a BPD or anyone tries to verbally attack and you should have no shame in doing this by instinct. However, we do have to consider health, and there are techniques like S.E.T. (Sympathy Empathy and truth) that allow us to better react to their attack, without having to be submissive but also by minimising the triggers for someone with BPD. So  everyone saves face.

You do sound very aware of the BPD condition, which is uncommon for someone who suffers from it. I also like your style of writing, very succinct and you’re probably right about our BPD wanting us to hear all their shroud waiving comments (by proxy or mistake). I’d agree with Turk, BPD aren’t natural comedians and they don’t like someone steeling the lime light with a joke. We used jokes to communicate over the heads of the BPD members in our family. Laughter is also good therapy.

Your point about finishing the relationship with your BPD. Does it need to be final, or would a vacation be a good start ? What about Low Contact (LC) ? All valid approaches. Also if you go NC, do you need to announce it ? Could you fade to grey (and leave your options open) ? All valid approaches. Would love to hear more from you once you feel the time is right. Welcome to the board.