BPDFamily.com

I can probably shed some light on this because I was actually still around after i was replaced so i have insight into what happens, regardless of the picture painted on instagram

Dumped June 2014 (told she needed to think etc, not completley dumped but i knew in my heart)

July 2014 replaced

july-september NC (honeymoon period)

end of september she starts trying to break NC, gets more and more desperate, i talk to her agree to a friendship, she is already having problems with replacement

october, she starts to express that she "might have made a mistake"... .you think. Emotional affair begins

November, she cheats on him with me for the first time, feigns regret, we dont talk much for a couple of weeks, then she cheats on him with me again

December, he has a nervous breakdown related to he found out she was cheating but i don't think he accepted it and tried not to belive it but he must have known, she goes NC on me for most of the month

January, she contacts me again, resumes emotional affair, begin to explicitly say she wants to leave him and for us to get back together, she begins to claim to me and others that her boyfriend is physically abusing her (almost certain that this was a lie)

February, they break up.

Then our fun and games resumed. you know the rest.

anyways yeah, if it wasn't me being the third part in the triangle it would have been some other guy, only difference is because it was me i got to see how things really are. It should be noted at this time that all her instagram and facebook stuff was about how happy she was and how much she loved her boyfriend etc, so had i not been directly involved i would have been thinking she was happy and beating myself up.

Short version, don't belive what you see, these people are never happy and it's always drama

If I had to guess, I'd say my ex is grimly applying himself to the task of being a "good man." He loves to punish himself with acts of supreme self-control to make up for the fact that his emotions are actually totally out of control most of the time.

My ex has been messaging me lately. Told me she replaced me and he gets her and she's not the same anymore... .Yet she's still messaging me. I had explained to her nicely how hurt I was from the relationship and how bad the way she devalued me hurt me but I was happy she met someone. She replied with most people don't realize what they had till its gone and thats probably why i felt that way. She clearly isn't happy and the delusional world she is currently in was astonishing to me. Her whole life is running from one person to the next and she's always the victim. I'm sure this won't be any different either.

I think the goal of us non's who have had a relationship involving BPD should be to heal enough to get to a place that we do wish happiness for ourselves and for the pwBPD.  Just remember that when a pwBPD does achieve "happiness" or seems to, it is usually a mask, based on the superficial or shallow, or fleeting.  This is very sad  :'(

I think the more someone heals and grows as a result of being aware and trying to be healthy, the easier it is to forgive and truly wish good things for the pwBPD.  I have been hurt beyond belief and have had things taken that I've worked years to achieve.  Slowly but surely the anger and pain is fading and true sadness and compassion is what I feel.  However, part of that healing process is to feel your emotions (whatever they may be) and grieve.  

Mine also said he felt like he was not the same person anymore. I think that's kind of significant.

Understood, and agreed.

However for many on the leaving board they are just beginning their journey, and a manipulation tactic often used by pwBPD to make their former partners feel worse is to try and make them think that they are now happy, and that the non was the one at fault for everything etc.

if the non belives that it can cause deep depression and will hinder recovery, therefore it's important that they know this is almost universally untrue.

So you knowingly became the "other guy"? If so, not cool. At all.

Thanks for this thread, Infern0 and everybody, it is good for me to read. Totally appreciate it.

Sorry, but you don't have the right to judge me

I feel it's important to share this insight with new members.  The painted picture can seem picture-perfect.  The presentation, however, is frequently smoke and mirrors.  A friend once said, "believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see."

It takes courage to share. I admire Inferno's honesty. Coming out of these complex and charged relationships isn't easy.  Let's continue to foster a supportive environment for all.

Yes I was the other guy

However, I didn't re-engage contact with her knowing the way things would turn out, I realised she was sick but my knowledge of BPD was in it's infancy at this point, I was also heavily codependent at this time. The reason i accepted her contact was as a friend and I was trying to be a caretaker and look out for her because she was sick. (heavy codependence in play)

When the first incident of actual cheating happened it was not planned, and besides the point I had not begun to work on my codependency, and was still deeply bonded to her, I saw the other guy as that he had "stolen" her off me, and i didn't care what happened to him, my opinion was that he was a loser and didn't deserve her, and that he was no good for her and she needed me (fight response, codependent coping mechanism)

I wanted to get her back and my actions were in line with this.

Was I morally wrong?

Well it's a grey area, maybe, maybe not, do I regret some of my actions, yes.

In the end what happened happened, it would not happen this way again, that's for sure.

The point of this thread is to be useful information, I dont have to defend myself from criticism by other board members, however this is an explaination I will offer.

Thank you for your honest Infern0. Much respect. What you say is very true. What is presented to the outside is very different to what is happening on the inside. Just think back to our own relationships. I can't count the amount of times that people told my ex and I we were "perfect together" even though we had been arguing a few hours beforehand. Heck, we had just posted a photo celebrating our 3 year anniversary with people saying how good we were together. A week later, we were finished.

The take away, for me anyway, was learning the difference between wanting and needing.  Enjoying someone, loving someone, wanting to be with that person is vastly different from needing that person. 

They do feel like another person bc they've been slowly starting to mirror the replacements image. When my ex left florida and moved to michigan, within 2 weeks she had a Michigan accent.

The mold is constantly shifting based on their surroundings. I never realized how often she mirrored me whilst in the r/s. Once I started ruminating I realized how frequent it was.

 I would not judge you for being the other guy !    I think it goes the same for most of us ,   At one point you are "  The guy "  and someone else is the other guy ! "  The guy  "   Gets all of the responsibilities and headaches  while you are only the other guy!    Until the guy  finds out you are the other guy!   Lol lol

I have some good stories to

yeah, mine is swearing a lot more-- my replacements (she is seeing a couple) must swear!

WOW YES!  My exBPD got caught by his boyfriend (who I thought was an ex ... .) and his ex took him back even after he know we had an affair for 6 months.

I'm sure my exBPD is on his BEST behavior right now, being a good little boy, until he cannot stand it anymore, and acts again, or recycles me

I can relate to everything in this thread.  Sometimes the "other guy" doesn't even realize he's in that position because of manipulation.

It's in the back of your mind, but you ignore signs and you trust the person you "love".

It's all a hot mess

Ummmm.  Yeah... .  That is her choice.  and his.  Not judging, here.  If she was married, maybe I say I don't think that's a good idea.  Boyfriend.  meh.

Agree.  Mine was miserable.  Almost always.  Except at the beginning.  I actually think she was miserable then, too.

Totally understand where you're coming from here.

Me too blissful_camper. Want is much more healthy than need! In fact I told my ex that once, that she needed me rather than wanted me. She became quite confused and didn't offer a response. I personally don't believe that she had the wherewithal to distinguish between the two states as needing occupied all of her personal relationships.

Apollo and everyone,

My ex confused need and want as well in that she thought the two were the same.  When we were intimate she would many times state that she "needed" me.  That she "wanted" me might have been mentioned once.  Additionally, she always referred to our intimate time together as "making out".  Never once did she describe it as "making love".

LF

I don't really know where to put this or what to make of it.

In the moment when my ex was undoing us (though I didn't know yet that I'd been replaced), he referred to what had passed between us -- i.e. years of passionate romance, including many times being told I was the love of his life, proposals of marriage, etc -- as "a crush."

A crush.

When he said that, I was just so confused that I didn't even respond.

Steel,

Sorry about that. I guess we're veering off topic here.

Mine never mentioned the word "crush" vs. "love" in terms of her feelings but since we've been apart (we were together about 2 years, parted last June) and I've become more objectivethat's how I would describe it. 

The capability of pwBPD to become emotionally available so quickly after a relationship indicates that it is more of a crush or infatuation than love as it has no depth or breadth.  It's reminiscent of a high school relationship in that regard which I'm certain is directly linked to their emotional maturity.

Back to topic at hand---it is doubtful that my ex has been happy with either of her replacements.  Her first was an LDR and I suspect she kept that intact as she didn't want to be alone and hadn't found anyone locally yet.  She's been with the replacement's replacement (a local guy) about 2 months or so.  Neither have been the type of guy that she would ideally like to attract.

In some cases I feel that one of the reasons for their unhappiness with replacements is that their "need" trumps "want".  That being said, they in many case settle for "anybody" versus "somebody" due to their attachment need and end up with someone less than desirable. Those in this forum who have either seen, heard of or know the replacement are usually stunned and are in disbelief in how their ex has "downgraded".

LF

Infern0,

You couldn't be more correct. To take it a step further, i think our "exe" arent happy with themselves, period" let alone their replacement(s).  Mine is on replacement # {insert any number here} and still replacing almost 2 years later.

I actualy echo sentiments shared by Fred42 on thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289701.msg12725979#msg12725979

Given the nature of the PD, i find it "most" unlikely that they will ever be happy with anything. Im begining to think that they thrive on the Novelty and high of a new r/s without being fully commited for obvious reasons.

In order for anyone to be happy - you have to be happy with who you are, and love yourself in order to have a healthy relationship.

My uBPDexgf hated herself, she had no idea of who she was, no identity, in her words a "lost soul"

She could have as many replacements as she wants, move as many times as she wanted, have as many shallow "friends" in her life, she would never find that happiness and love. All she is doing is trying to run away from her problems, but they never change as the one constant is her

Her illness just amplifies it and she is the one who can go and get help and improve her life. It is a very sad way to be

Well said greenmonkey, the only constant in this equation "is them" and only they can help themselves.

--

In the moment when my ex was undoing us (though I didn't know yet that I'd been replaced), he referred to what had passed between us -- i.e. years of passionate romance, including many times being told I was the love of his life, proposals of marriage, etc -- as "a crush."

A crush. When he said that, I was just so confused that I didn't even respond.

---Yes, they have a need (especially after they leave) to reduce the relationship on their mind (so it hurts them less to be away from it). So sex is referred to as making out, and a full romantic relationship is refered to as a crush.

   It is confusing, but keep in mind that when you were with them they really felt closer---they are just reducing it now as a defense mechanism. It might be too painful for them to admit how great it was, since right now they don't have it.

  Or it could be the splitting or devaluing?

This thread is so helpful to me. I am going through a 'replacement' period and want to win her back. The insight here has been helpful. It is hard to think of being with someone 6 years and being replaced in 3 weeks. Nature of the beast?

They all do this, time and again.

Mine was 28 when we broke up. Last year of our relationship this guy mildly chased her, he was only interested in a lay - didn't work out so well for him. He was probably NPD and pure BPD's eat up NPD's even worse then co-dependents (no idea as to why, just what psychologists say). She was basically a trophy to him (good job, caring ex he could hurt, a sister he could also sleep with and play them off each other, etc.).

4 days after our break up she slept with the guy (who wasn't interested in a relationship and had already told her). She thought she could change his mind with sex (BPD thinking). They had sex for roughly 2 weeks, while never going out. She kept up the visage of them dating. Eventually she must have gone super crazy on him because he ended up moving and changing all his contact information to get away.

In comes the next guy. She was 29 at this point and he 19. Again everything was perfect, for about 3 months (this time it seemed a genuine honeymoon period). He was a friend of my ex's sister, so he had some idea what had gone on in our relationship. When the cycle repeated with him, he saw through the BS and pushed her away.

She's been a complete wreck for 4~ months now - this is what I hear, no interest in even looking at her FB. The one picture I saw of her she was hiding her eyes behind the rim of her glasses (this is her indication that she is completely miserable). She apparently unblocked me on FB back in December, so I sometimes see her profile pic on other peoples posts (blocking her myself would just feed her, best to ignore it).

Now she wants contact again - it's been 6 months of me enforcing NC. If they were not fully broken before you, they probably are now (that doesn't mean you could have ever fixed them - their spiral only goes down).

No matter how much you love them, you can not fix them. No matter how much you know its a facade, you can't stop being hurt by it.

Best to go NC and have no idea what is happening.

No matter how much you love them, you can not fix them. No matter how much you know its a facade, you can't stop being hurt by it.

Best to go NC and have no idea what is happening

Naguma,

Very well put.  After we've tolerated the twists and turns, numerous recycles, back and forth behavior, makeup/breakups this is the best solution for most of us.

LF

They are never really happy, period.  They experience moments that make them feel happy, but they aren't truly happy. 

Mine was cheating with me and told me how much she thought about having sex with me the day before she wished her boyfriend a happy birthday on Facebook.  And yes, I was the "other person," but she had convinced me that he was awful and abusive and that she wanted to be with me instead.  We all make bad decisions in life. 

A few days after she tried to commit suicide, she was posting happy pictures all over Facebook.  No one knew that anything had happened. 

Less than two weeks after her ex told me that he wasn't sure if he could make things work with her because she had started abusing him again, he posted to Facebook about how she was "wifey material." 

On Friday night, she posted a Snapchat story, showing off how she was going to a casino with her new boyfriend (her fourth since August).  But what people don't know is that she is completely broke and keeps getting insufficient fund notices from the bank.  She lives in a complete junk hole and has been drinking and doing drugs on a regular basis.  She is also fighting with both parents right now, and her ex recently refused to accept her friend request on Facebook. 

Today, I finally found about my replacement. It is hard to accept... .

I'm sorry you're going through this.  You can prepare for it, but you're never really ready for it.  I was replaced within roughly 2 weeks of us "officially" ending.  I work with her, so I actually get to see her move on. 

I'll tell you this much: they aren't ever truly happy.  Sure, they appear to be.  But just like their 'love' for you, it's a mirage.  During the honeymoon phase, they get so wrapped up with their new r/s, they are on cloud 9.  Give it a few weeks/months, they'll be right back to where they were with you.

I'll use myself here.  J has moved on to a new guy, but has been in contact with me (for a few days here and there).  During our interactions, the most recent was last Friday, she told me how she "missed all of me" and "would love me forever and always".  Do you think the new guy knows this?  No.  She's already started the process of devaluing him and doesn't even realize it. 

They are icebergs, kentavr3.  There's the portion you can see, a lot more is under the surface, and even more that will never see the light of day.  This doesn't make it any easier for you right now, I know.  In time, you'll understand what I mean.  Take care of yourself and go treat yourself to something good (whatever that is for you).  You've been through a lot already and just got kicked in the teeth again.  You deserve it.  Be good to yourself.

It's actually weird to me how mine is trying to devalue his life with me and the people I know. He is trying to say he likes his new life better. I guess it's that he is trying to accept them maybe. Then he talked about how his mistresses mother looks down on him for how he dresses... .doesn't make sense because he is the one who is the better dresser... .Is he projecting? Maybe... .It's bad enough to be replaced, but to be told he's having a baby with her and we are not divorced... .awful! On top of it, to say maybe it would have been different if we had a child and had not lost ours... .terrible. I feel like he has to know how awful he sounds. How hurtful... .Maybe not... .I just don't know.