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My ex BPDGf has been coming into my house. Beyond the lack of boundary aspects of this behavior Im trying to figure out what it means.

Hi Md993,

Welcome and hello!

Can you tell us a little about the dynamics that led to the break-up?

Do you want to get back together with her?

LnL

I broke up with her 5 months ago after 3 years together after her behavior became less predictable and extremely obsessive. The next Dave she drove by my house but turned away after she unexpectedly saw me in the driveway. I made no attempt at contact for two months. Then I started having unexplained events occurring at my house that went on for months in a pattern. I have changed the locks and

Have no idea what's going to happen

Next. Yes I want her back . I love her.

I have had a string of things being moved in my house or lights left on when I am not there, a few phone calls and hang ups etc. Im sure its my BPD exGF. This all started when I made no attempt to contact her for 2 months. What does this mean?

That is stalking and a criminal act. It is NOT OK!. It is a massive boundary violation. Change the locks, put in a coupe of nanny cams and then report it to the police.

Hi Md993,

her lack of respect is a concern - good that you changed the locks. Did that stop her?

The way I see it is that she is not trying to get you back. She never let you go and may be thinking of going back to you or maybe thinking of getting back at you. Maybe both depending on her temporary state of mind.

Sound boundaries, respect and healthy communication are vital in a relationship with a pwBPD. They are not a given and won't happen magically. Someone needs to lead the way if this is going to happen and it can't be her.

What have you learned and would be doing differently that makes the outcome different this time round?

I think that if she was going to get back at me she would have trashed my house in some way already since she has had access. She has left items of a magical thinking type or moved items that have some connection to the two of us. Most recently maybe is that she saved the song "blue jeans" by lana del ray on my home stereo system. It's a very obsessive song and and I told her so. She has told me in the past that is how she feels about me. The song has lyrics such as, I will love you until the end of time maybe a million years", "promise that you'll remember that you are mine ", I stayed there waiting, pacing and anticipating." In addition she synced all the controllers for the system to all be open to the sextion where the song is saved and it is the only song saved so I was forced to see it. There is no way I could have done that things based on how they were done.

The lock have only been changed for two weeks. I'm pretty sure she was here last week based on new tire tracks in the driveway and so she knows that the locks have been changed. And nothing similar has happened since the locks have been changed in the house. So I am sure she was doing it. I'm also sure some new approach behavior will start at some point.

I think changing the locks is a boundaries. We discussed boundaries the last time this occurred but then I left town and she became insecure, paranoid and angry again. She has taken on most  of my life experience as hers. It's extremely Obsessive and goes to your point about never really giving me up. Going into my house gives her the ability to control my feelings in a magical way, get some object constancy and let her feel

As If she is me in a fusion sort of way.

I would like some validation and support. I'm afraid about what might come next since I've taken away her access to my house.

Hi Md993,

if you want a relationship you got to communicate in a healthy way on a regular basis.

If you don't want a relationship you may get an extinction burst related to the boundary i.e. other crazy behavior or she may go NC.

To me it seems you are in a wait and see mode. How this is making things clearer or moving forward in any direction is not clear to me.

What do you mean by extinction burst? It was her that ended the relationship although there was never really a breakup just no communication. That's the way it's been in the past.yoire advice to into take communication with her seems contrary to everything ive read or learned from very learned professionals.

You said you haven't initiated any contact with her. If you want her back, possibly reaching out in a neutral way could get things moving forward. It may start a dialogue, one that is very much in your interest to keep as calm and light as possible. If you decide to do that, and she responds, let us know and maybe we can help you move towards a possible reconciliation.

She obviously was trying remind you of her feelings for you. Too bad she chose an intrusive way to do it.

You said she has a kind of magical thinking and has left objects around in symbolic ways. Are you on board with that? By that I mean you are not surprised or unwilling to "see" what she has been saying to you?

Thank you for responding Danielle,

It's been suggested to me not to initiate contact because I don't want to catch her while she is dysregulated.

I agree. She is obviously trying to make me think about her or let me know that she is thinking about me and get me to contact her. She recently saved a song on my music system at home that says , "I will love you until the end of time. Maybe a million years. Say you'll remember that your mine."

I have no idea what to say to her. She had told me that in the past when this happens and I just encourage her to say whatever she needs or wants to. I'm really worried about her.

Obviously, I'm not ok with symbols and suggestions as opposed to direct communication. Im assuming she is feeling shamed and is in fear of rejection by me.

I do want to discuss her feelings with her and know what she is trying to say to me. In the past I have chased her even when she was rejecting me. It would usually take some "grand display" as judged by her of my love for her that would make the difference.

I have avoided chasing her this time as a way of trying to extinguish this behavior of hers. But now we have a new behavior of coming into my house with magical thinking with movement of objects and Leaving the some for me To find that she has told me in the past is how she feels about me.

You've changed the locks?

Yes I just changed the locks 2 weeks ago. I am pretty

Sure she has been by since the locks have been changed. I'm sure she will react in some way, I just don't know how? And how do I initiate neutral contact when I've taken away her source of object constancy and

way of communicating with and feeling close to me? She's probably mad right now. But after the something I felt It was the right thing to do.

It sounds like you are kind of in a stuck place, then, if you are unwilling, for now, to initiate any contact. Her possible fear of rejection from you is something you cite as a reason she is not making direct contact.

Obviously at some point, one of you will need to move towards the other. I am doubtful that jumping in and trying to get her to talk about her feelings or any other troubled issue is going to be of much benefit immediately.

Is there anything you can think of that you feel ok about saying to her that is neutral? If she doesn't respond, wait a week or so, and try again. If you are comfortable with that.

It may be, on your side, more effective to focus on your own self right now. Maybe YOU need time to calm down still, as you are reluctant to reach out to her right now. A week or two of time for yourself to think on things and be mentally and emotionally more prepared could actually be very helpful to you.

I'm impressed, Md993, that you changed the locks.  I think it is a giant step towards enforcing your boundaries, which those w/BPD are known to trample (at least mine was).  My BPDxW, in KGB or FBI fashion, used to check my phone to see who I had called or received calls/texts from, which was extremely intrusive to me, so I put a passcode on my phone.  She wasn't happy, but that was my boundary and I held to it.

LuckyJim

MD993,

First good on you for changing the locks. I would also agree with hope2727 in that its NOT ok for anyone to invade your privacy by entering your house without your knowledge or approval. I had my first exBPDgf do the exact same thing by braking into my house more then once. She works in law enforcement and I had a law enforcement friend tell me that a coworker of theirs was interested in going out with me. She made the statement, "If I can't have him, no one will" and had access to a 9mm.  He encouraged me to get mine and take a CCW class and I did. She would invade my home when I was on a date and when I came home the door was open. Needless to say after I cleared my house my date wanted to go back home. It never stopped because she never gave up. I would echo the guidance from someone who said get a nanny cam for proof for authorities.

BPD behavior will always be erratic and what some call crazy. I would watch out for tails on your dates and other signs that you're being stalked ... .does the movie Fatal Attraction come to mind? Google it ... .hope you don't have any rabbits at the house 

I truly hope things get better for you ... .stay safe

JQ

I think she is breaking a lot of boundaries. I'm not sure how old your girlfriend is but the things you've described with entering the house, the music, it's all pretty childish. She shows no respect for you or your home. This isn't the movies! Good luck

Group,

As Beacher points out that, "it's all pretty childish"  and that's going to be normal behavior for someone who is mentally ill with BPD.  Someone who is mentally ill with BPD will forever be the 3 year old toddler when it comes to some behavior.  When they are faced with a situation such as a "abandonment" fear they would revert back to their "Safe place" and the innocent child like behavior. If you've ever interacted with a 3 yr old you know that their logic is theirs alone. When you ask them questions they have the most detailed explanation as to why they did or said what they did that will make absolutely no sense to the normal adult ... .and so goes the same with someone who is mentally ill with BPD.  So she reacts & does this child like behavior in order to avoid extreme anxiety moments that leave her feeling abandon no matter if it was real or she just imagined it.

JQ

Daniell

I am in no way upset. It's been 6 months of no contact. I believe coming into my house is her trying to move toward me in a very childlike way. It's her way of getting me chase her and allow her to feel loved so she can come closer.

I need suggestions as to what to say and how to handle it.

I am sorry this is happening to you. I have had two break ins on two consecutive Friday nights. Open garage with expensive tools, motorcycle etc left untouched. But bedroom window jimmied open. Perpetrator didn't enter because my roommate's large unfriendly dog went nuts and scared them off. He did step on my tomatoes however the brat. I finally left a note addressed to him personally in the window the 3rd week. Ya da! No break in. I did file a police report.  Their concern was that I was definitely targeted. No other houses were broken into. No cars vandalized nothing. It was a psychologist that suggested the note. It worked like a charm.

It read ... .

"Tim" (not his real name) if there is something specific you need from the house please email me at hope27's email address and specify where you would like it sent. I will arrange delivery. Thank you.

PS keep the $&@&$ off my tomatoes!

Problem solved.

Try that. If it isn't her she will never see it so no harm no foul. If it is her she will be embarrassed to be caught.  The end.

Good luck.