BPDFamily.com

I have a good 'head' understanding of my uBPDh's behaviors, but my heart is not dealing with things very well.  Him telling me how he hates me, etc while dysregulated, then expecting me to be affectionate and loving when he paints me white again is not working anymore. I used to be able to somewhat compartmentalize and enjoy the good in spite of the bad. Now it makes me feel sick and used.

In part this is because now when I am white, he teases me and makes fun of me and cuts me down. He asked me why I have been 'grouchy' and unloving and I told him I felt bad about the teasing and put downs. He claims he has never done that and I am overreacting and making things up. I understand that is his truth.

He also does it to our 7 year old son and even tries to get our 8 year old daughter to join in against him.  My son says he is 'sad' about daddy often.  I do not know how to improve the situation.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

LilMe I'm sorry that sounds really upsetting for you and your children.

I suspect but I can't know that it is possible that your h is sensing a shift in you, a shift in how you feel and what you want for you and your childrens lives. pwBPD can be very intuitive about changes in atmospheres, in subtle changes in us. I know you have been posting in Legal. This doesn't mean it is your fault or that you are doing anything wrong, quite the opposite you are understanding more and tightening up your boundaries.

I wonder if it would help how you feel and improve things for you all if you maybe change your focus to equipping your children with some skills to deal with the situation better.

I  have a s7, when I started posting here he was nearly 5. I decided in choosing to stay that whilst learning to communicate and behave differently with my h, I needed to educate my son and help him build up his understanding of what was going on with his father.

My son was/is my line in the sand.

Of course you may be doing this already.

So this is what I did. I contacted a charity offering support for children affected by mental illness. This is what they told me to do, so I did it:-

- told son father has mental illness which can change how he thinks, behaves and what he says.

- talk to him about his daddy's illness, what bits were the unwell bits

- mummy or you have nothing to do with daddy's illness. It's not your fault

- developed an easy safe phrase that I would say when I wanted son to leave a situation, go to his room, play/watch TV ( phrase was 'Spongebobs starting now.'  :) )

- taught my son not to argue back with his father, but to just say 'ok' and leave.

- let son know that nothing he can do will make daddy better/happy - best thing he can do when daddy 'moody' is go play

- created a 'worry box' for nighttimes. ( nights are where my son worries most ) Spent 10 mins each night writing down all his worries/fears/anxieties, then putting them in the box out of his head. Still do this now.

- got some child friendly leaflets, (you can do this online if you don't want to leave a paper trail ) used local support services for children for advice

- told him he is not the only child with a mentally ill parent.

- used my extended family as a place for him to stay when home was too unsafe

- built a life for him outside our home that looked like his peers.

With regards to my h's behaviour around my son, I would step in and remove my son from any situation that I felt was harmful to him. I wrote here once that a spent a huge amount of time running interference so that my son was shielded from the worst impact of my h's behaviours. Your children are old enough to understand removing themselves, you can help them with this.

I understand that every situation is different, so if you feel this will be right for you, it will be about tailoring it to suit yours and your children's needs. Your children are old enough to understand, they will know that something is 'off', explaining this to them and how to manage, but particularly giving them permission to extricate themselves from a situation will help all of you. You may have done some of this already, I go back over issues with my son as they arise still.

Helping your children navigate their fathers difficulties will empower you as a parent and give you back some control over what is happening. It did me. You will know what will work best for you and how to increase your children's awareness and emotional safety.

Thanks sweetheart!

Yes, he definitely knows things have changed and is angry and confused by it.  In his mind I have become an ultrafeminist because of my evil friends and family.  I am helping the children in many of the ways you mentioned. You gave me new ideas as well. I guess I see others able to improve their situation so I feel like there must be something I am doing wrong or something I am not doing that I should be. And I feel guilty and wrong to care for someone who hurts us so much.