BPDFamily.com

Hi there. I’ve browsed this forum from time to time over the years but have finally decided to post. I need to talk to, and possibly garner advice from, others who understand what I’ve gone through and have a BPD parent.

I’m 36 years old. I’ve always known my mom was “different” and didn’t act like the other moms growing up, but walking on eggshells (what a perfect description) was par for the course growing up. I knew no other way to live. It wasn’t until about 10 years ago, when my best friend was going to grad school for social work, that she said she was studying BPD and thought my mother might have it. She gave me the books “Understanding the Borderline Mother” and “Walking on Eggshells” it felt like a lightbulb went off. There are other people like my mom! There was an answer.

To make a long story long (LOL), my mom has always had issues with my autonomy. She never wanted me to have friends or partake in extracurricular activities. She would always find reasons to convince me to “break up ”with my friends or quit any activities I signed up for – dancing school, cheerleading, etc. She would hardly allow friends at our house and would never take me to social activities or friends houses as a kid – that was always my dad’s job. And she sure as hell would never socialize with other moms. She was always too good for them. However, birthday parties and occasions where she had a reason to go completely over the top with a big, expensive party were common. My younger brother was always the GC. He had ADHD and behavioral issues, and my mom would find any reason to excuse his behavior. She would allow him to do things I’d NEVER be allowed to do, like sleep over girlfriend’s houses, because she wanted him to feel “normal.” In fact, my brother’s behavioral issues were my mom’s personal crusade. Looking back, I’m sure she liked the fact that his issues gave her a platform to puff herself up and be perceived as a fierce mother. To this day she never stops talking about what a great mother she was, how much she sacrificed, and how we’d be nothing without her.

My dad was her enabler. They separated when I was 9 (my mom’s decision) but never actually divorced. There was no legal agreement. The “agreement” was that my dad would continue to pay all of the bills for the house, her car insurance AND child support. Because my dad is a mild-mannered guy, he went with it and lived with my grandparents about a mile away, for the next 22 years. He didn’t have any money to afford his own apartment. He continued their financial agreement long after we were both 18, out of college/out of the house. He knew that stopping would create a huge blowup. During the 22 years that my parents were separated, my dad also paid for most repairs that needed to be done, and physically renovated almost the whole house. He would take my brother and I to friends houses, activities, etc. He would drive my mom places because she has a “fear” of driving on highways or anywhere outside of a 5-mile radius of her house or anywhere in bad weather. Basically, he was her b*tch. While my mom did date a few guys over the years, my dad (to my knowledge) did not date anyone. My dad lived in fear of my mother’s rage and his way of handling it was to just give in to anything she suggested. Over the years she would say horrible things to us about our father, things he or his family did to her, etc. Despite my dad’s close involvement, she plays the “single mom” card to this day. She raised us alone with no help, overcame obstacles, etc. Bullsh*t. She was also the consummate “splitter” – she ended every friendship, family relationship, etc. She was ALWAYS the victim, everyone in her life managed to do or say something to offend her and she’d never speak to them again. As a result, she has no family or friends. She is completely alone, aside from the people she works with.

Her BPD has gotten much worse as she gets older and my brother and I become more autonomous. The first major blowup between her and I was when I was in college and had my first serious boyfriend. I remember her asking if we planned to get married. At the time we were only seeing one another for a few months and it wasn’t even on the radar, but I guess she felt threatened because she knew that a lot of people meet their spouses in college and there was a chance she’d “lose me.” One day she created a huge argument from a small mishap (I spilled coffee on the rug) and turned it into a fight about my boyfriend. She didn’t speak to me for 5 years after that. Arguments like this happened at least 3 or 4 times subsequently, where she’d stop talking to me for months or years, then contact me like nothing ever happened and proceed to buy me gifts. Everything would be peachy for a while, until I’d say something to offend her (i.e. not bow down at her feet) and she’d stop talking to me again. After the 2nd time, I knew her game. But she is a master manipulator, so she’d find ways to make me “need” her and I’d continue to go back.

Things came to a head about 4.5 years ago when my dad met a woman that he went to high school with on Facebook and began a relationship. My mom found out by stalking my dad (literally – she stalks me, my dad, his now wife and my brother online and physically, and admits it). After another 2 years of NC with my mom at that point she called telling me she was going to kill herself because my dad met this woman. I had to talk her off the ledge, so to speak. Since then, she has been crazier than ever.  Eventually my dad asked for an official divorce and has gone on to live a happy life. (I’m not a fan of his new wife, but that's beside the point). My mom is OBSESSED with my dad and his wife and constantly talks about them and how much they hurt her and “broke up” her family. She will tell anyone willing to listen her sob story about how she was so badly hurt by my father and what a terrible person he is, how ugly and boring his wife is, etc. At this point my brother checked out completely because he could not take the drama between my parents. My mom would constantly try to pit us against our father, manipulate me to find out information about him, even bribe me to not talk to him. For instance, she told me she would pay to have my kitchen renovated if I severed ties with my dad. Then, that year for my birthday I went to dinner with my dad. He “checked in” to the restaurant on FB and my mom saw. She went bananas because I had dinner with him and didn’t tell her. That was the last straw and I went NC, for the first time by my own choice, and it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Since that time I met a man, fell in love and we decided to have a child together; my parent’s first grandchild. She was born this past October. Around the time I was 5 months pregnant I made the decision to tell my mom after 4 years of NC. I did not want my child to grow up without her grandmother, but I tried to set boundaries  – I.e., no drama, come to terms with the fact that at times she will have to interact with my dad and his wife, etc. At first everything was great, but she still has the obsession with my dad and his wife. She manages to insert them into every conversation and will find a way to assert her victimization at all costs. It's embarrassing because she will mention it to my fiancé and everyone in his family, including young nieces and nephews. It makes them feel awkward. She threw me a very expensive, showy baby shower. Because she has no family, the shower was my dad’s family, fiancé’s family and my friends. However, my mom bought an embarrassing amount of gifts. She made it clear (to us) that she wanted my father and his family to see what she bought, and that she buys my daughter more than he does. Even now she buys my daughter an excessive amount of clothes, toys, everything. She is only 3 months old. She also buys us an excessive amount of random things for the house, everything from toilet paper to frozen food. When we visit her she has trash bags filled with things for us to take home. My fiancé also has a 6-year old daughter that she buys a ridiculous amount of gifts for, for no occasion at all. We are grateful, but it is now to the point where my fiancé wonders what her reasoning is, and takes it personally. He feels like my mom is undermining him by providing so much for his family. The last time we visited her I had to say, please don’t give us anything to take home. We don’t have the space and hauling/unloading it all is really inconvenient. She got very offended and blamed it on my fiancé, of course.

At first she loved my fiancé, but as time’s gone by she’s tried to convince me to leave him, as with every relationship in my life. She even again offered to renovate my kitchen, but only if I leave him. He and I have a good relationship, but like every other couple, have our moments. After I gave birth to my daughter my mom stayed with us for about a week after, which was helpful because my fiancé had to go back to work and I ended up with a C-section. She would eavesdrop on our conversations and occasional arguments. (Listen outside the door, etc.) In the hospital and after she was very demanding of my fiancé, ordering him to do things around the house or for me. My mom needs to have everything her way or no way, and my fiancé is not the type that will give in – he is not like my dad. Another issue, the house we live in is technically my house which I purchased before I met him. My mom has tried to convince me that he is “taking over” my house when really, he is just living in it.  Of course there are pictures of his family and items that are his! My mother does not understand the concept of compromising for a relationship; she has always surrounded herself with people who say yes to her, and has severed ties with anyone who says no. During her stay, she blamed my fiancé for everything from not being able to smoke in the house, to having a bad coffee maker, to his family being over too much. About 5 days into her stay she said she “couldn’t take it anymore” and spent $125 on an Uber back to her house in the suburbs rather than him driving her home. Since then I’ve had gotten into multiple arguments with her about her feeling like the “odd grandmother out” because she lives far away (about 40 minutes) and my fiancé’s family lives close by (within walking distance). She has voiced her jealousy and held over our heads how much she has done/bought for us and the baby vs. his family. She’s said she feels “used” despite that fact that we have never asked her for a dime.

Her victim-playing is non-stop. She puts herself in situations specifically so she can be a victim. She has alienated herself from every friend and relative in her life, but complains about being alone and having to do things like shovel her snow or mow her lawn. She smokes but complains about her health and getting older. She talks all the time about selling her house but cannot seem to find another house that meets her strict criteria, and constantly complains about the neighborhood she lives in, how bad the neighbors are, etc. Last night I received yet another call with her crying (literally) about hard her life is and how she “dedicated her life to me and my brother” and “what about HER?” And, “when will she get a chance to have what SHE wants and a happy life? She can’t take this anymore!”

Guess who can’t take this anymore? ME. I am at my wit’s end. But, my mother has no one. Literally, no one. My brother wants nothing to do with her, she has no friends or family. She has told me that the only source of happiness she has in life is my daughter. I am fully aware that she’s done this to herself. Every time I mention anything about owning up and taking responsibility for her situation, there is a huge argument. She has now said that she will not go to any occasions for my daughter that my dad and his wife will be at. Now, she has “offered” to stay home from the christening, all of her birthday parties, holidays, graduations, to “keep the peace.” In reality, she just wants to be a martyr. My dad and his wife would happily attend all of these if my mom were there. They have no problem being in the same room with her. But now she is forcing me to choose between inviting them and her to any future events. Last night I told her, fine – stay home. I’m not having two of everything.

I’m torn. Part of me says, to hell with her, she made her bed and she can lay in it. The other part says, suck it up and continue the relationship so my daughter will know her grandmother.  Although I do not want my daughter to be aware of any family drama, and I am afraid that when she gets older my mom will say bad things about my dad, her dad, and me. On the flip side, do go NC with my mom and allow her grow old and die alone? I don’t know what to do.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for entertaining my long rant. Had to get it all out…finally.

Hi Violet0501  ! Thank you for sharing and talking with all us here. I too have been a member of this forum for awhile but only recently started posting etc. Has your mom ever been officially diagnosed or sought treatment/help for her BPD? My bfs severely BPD mother has been like stuff you said and done stuff like you have described in your post etc too. Have you ever done a pros and cons list of keeping your BPD in your life vd going permanent no contact etc? What came of that if so? If you ever need to chat, vent, etc. we are all here for you and feel free to PM me here on the forum anytime! Hugs!

Hi Violet0501

Your mother does sound like a difficult person to deal with. It seems she has a very controlling nature. Would you say she uses things such as fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to try and get you to do what she wants?


You can read more about this subject here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt (FOG): How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

It isn't easy dealing with a BPD parent. Many members here indeed know very well how challenging life can be with a BPD parent. I too have a BPD mother and can relate to many things you say, like not being allowed to have friends and how your mother goes all out on birthday parties. My mother was the xact same way.


You mention two extreme options, totally NC or 'just suck it all up'. Perhaps there are more options we could explore. Regardless of the level of contact you have, I think protecting yourself and your daughter and your relationship with your partner is most important. Do you feel setting and enforcing/boundaries is something you are comfortable with doing? We have resources here that can help you:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)

The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. communication technique is a tool to help you assert yourself:


Have you ever tried using structured communication techniques such as D.E.A.R.M.A.N.?

Welcome to bpdfamily

Given the history that you described, I can see how you responded like that.

Though that's out there now, perhaps a way of handlng this is to depersonalize it. Think of tv like a business invite: "Mom, you're invited to xyz event, hope to see you there."

If she goes Full Martyr on you everyone knows that you don't go Full Martyr, then step back from the drama by not responding. Don't validate the invalid. You've tossed the ball into her court. Her call, her play.

Most of us struggle with the fact that we're not responsible for our parent's feelings (though we can certainly contribute to escalating drama by how we interact). Your mother sounds like.she loves to go Full Waif ("rescue me" in addition to her Queenly tendencies ("I deserve to be served and valued". Did I mention it yet: you're not responsible for her feelings.

It sounds to me like you're being the dutiful daughter, honoring her. If she sees it as disrespect or dishonor, that's upon her. The tools that the Board Parrot linked are very helpful.

It's a struggle that maybe all of us have here, honoring our parents while learning to erect healthy boundaries for ourselves. Reaching out is a good start 

Turkish