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I've been coming out of the fog of this emotional trauma. I think back two months and feel like things have been progressing very well. Back then it was all total darkness. Now, the lows are starting to become less common, shorter, and not as deep. The highs are inching up over time to almost returning to where I was. But those are pretty short.

I was experiencing this cycle strongly today. She is with her BF this weekend, and I'm always very fragile during this time, wondering what she is doing and what amazing things they have planned, while I try my best to carry on with what I'm doing, which seems so empty in comparison.

But I was working out tonight, and I had a moment where I could see what it might look like when I'm happy with who I am and what my life has become. Looking to share it with someone, but not needing someone to make my whole and heal me. It was a strange and exciting thing to experience. It didn't last long, but it was new, and I felt very encouraged by it.

Then I saw a new playlist on her Youtube account, filled with the most erotic electronic music. And all I could picture was her having sex with him while listening to this amazing playlist. I started shaking. I was taken by surprise. I felt swept up in that primal, almost seismic feeling of wanting to be back in that place with her. That perfect fantasy where life is amazing and feels like all my dreams have come true with the wave of my hand. That feeling. The one I want to get back to. There I had been, after thinking no one would ever love me, there I was, with the one person I had wanted for 16 years. My dreams had come true.

But I wasn't there anymore.

I have bounced back from this in a matter of hours, but it has shaken me to feel that again. Just when I thought it was going away - really going away.

Healing is a rollercoaster. I thought I was done with the really chaotic part, but I guess there are still a few wild sections left before I reach the station and get off.

No wonder people don't understand these breakups. This journey is so intense, who could understand it if they didn't experience it themselves? All I can do is hope it's one more painful step towards healing. One more thing to push me further on my way.

Homefree hi  

It's great that you are seeing some progress. We are dealing with so many things at once, grieving, the FOG, the trauma. The head, the heart, the body, everything has to adjust and it's not easy.

I was experiencing this cycle strongly today. She is with her BF this weekend, and I'm always very fragile during this time, wondering what she is doing and what amazing things they have planned, while I try my best to carry on with what I'm doing, which seems so empty in comparison.

What you are doing may seem empty in comparison but it's deep and meaningful. And it's very very real. What she is doing is probably a coping skill that doesn't help with the torment she experiences a lot. I personally am grateful that I have the sanity to choose the seemingly "empty" thing right now. In my youth, I didn't and it never helped me:))

But I was working out tonight, and I had a moment where I could see what it might look like when I'm happy with who I am and what my life has become. Looking to share it with someone, but not needing someone to make my whole and heal me. It was a strange and exciting thing to experience. It didn't last long, but it was new, and I felt very encouraged by it.

This is good news, isn't it?

What you experienced sounds like a slip, a flashback and I think it's again good that you have experienced that you are able to bounce back in a matter of hours. I think that experience makes us more empowered, emotionally more equipped.  

No wonder people don't understand these breakups.

Sometimes people around us react with frustration. It may feel invalidating. Do you experience that?

Thanks. It's very hard to see it this way, but thinking about it right now, you are right. What I'm doing is some of the most real and important stuff for myself that I've probably ever done.




It was! That's why the drop was so precipitous when it happened. A rough 1-2 punch.


 

I've been feeling down all day. I think it's just because, again, it's their weekend to be together. Although overall, I'm better than I was last night. I've been through this enough to know that it doesn't last and I will be back to better form down the road. I just have to bare it and try to make the best of my time as it passes. I do feel like what I'm doing is empty, but I'm still doing it, and in the end it will be worth something when the cloud lifts.




I don't talk to many about this, because I have determined early on which ones just aren't comfortable talking about it or have the slightest idea what I'm going through.

Others have been helpful, but sometimes I feel like they think the worst is over and don't want to bring it up with me. And I don't want to keep dumping things on them since I feel like they might be tired of hearing/talking about it.

I think most of the time when other people are frustrated overtly or covertly, it shows that they feel helpless and don't know how to deal with it themselves -  so, we get the attitude, ha! lol My own experience with my emotional troubles showed me that people whom I somehow deemed very powerful, secure and knowing (thus could be supportive) were not as powerful as I thought. I have forgiven them :)

I believe the society functions on a lot of emotional status quos - one of them being "everyone is fine and people are getting along swimmingly." Once this status quo is shaken, people are mostly clueless and they want to distance that feeling from themselves.

Anyway, how are you feeling today?

And when you get into the rumination mood, what is a good practice for you? And what is a bad practice?

My good practice: Mindfulness, pampering myself (hot bath), and trying to distance thoughts from myself through metacognition. For instance: Instead of "this is what they are doing and I'm so worthless", I am thinking and imagining that this is what they are doing (which is probably not as I imagine)  and right now I'm thinking that I'm worthless (but I have other and more positive opinions of myself).

My bad practice: Counting minutes and constantly watching/observing myself to see if there is improvement in my mood or whether the thoughts are as strong (they just get stronger when I do this).

Take good care of yourself

This has been the longest low in many weeks for me. I've been thinking about her more than I have in some time, and the thought of trying to live my life without her feels odd, almost absurd.

All of this was triggered because I was searching for something, anything, new online about her. And then I found something, and it gave me this dagger in my heart.

I remember when I was with her, much of the relationship felt exactly like when I realized I am in a dream. As soon as I realize it, it's this delicate mental game of staying in the dream as long as possible without focusing on the fact that I'm actually lying in bed. As soon as I allowed that thought to cross my mind, I would start to feel the bed around me and the dream would fall quickly away until I was awake, but with my eyes closed. I had to trick myself into not thinking about it. That's a  red-flag, I suppose. Having that feeling about a relationship must mean it's a very fragile thing indeed.

And now it feels like I need to keep the thought of her from fully crossing my mind, because my life needs to go on, and it can't if she always comes crashing in. This weird game of deliberately not thinking about her. It only matters in times like these, when I am feeling good she sometimes goes away for long stretches of time without any effort.

I see these cycles, these waves of being caught back in it and then free again. I won't know when they come, I think. I'll have to trust that the further down the road I go, the better things will get overall.

You and I sound like we're in a very similar place right now, my friend.  This is progress, feeling this way, no matter how fleeting it is.  I did much the same the past week - I hung around the gym with other like-minded people and I realized that one day I will find a good healthy woman that will be a better fit for me anyway.  But in the meantime, it was nice to be by myself and I didn't feel lonely, even though I was alone.  

As for your downtimes - what are you triggers?  Is it when you see stuff of her online?  Have you considered blocking her online so that you aren't exposed to these triggers that set you back?   I've blocked my exBPD on facebook, google, on my phone, anyway I possibly can.  My exBPD also lives two blocks away from me and I drive two extra blocks coming home and leaving every day so I don't have to drive by her street.   I'm in super-protective mode where I'm putting my emotional safety first and foremost, even if it inconveniences me slightly.  Because I know that, like you, I would be devastated by anything.  I went on a dating website a month ago and her profile was on there and she threw it in my face by sending me a wink or whatever and I promptly removed my profile and haven't been back to the site since.  That said, that caused me two-three weeks of complete heartache.  

I know it's rough seeing them "move on" but in a way, even though it causes us more pain, it's a way of cementing in our minds that it is over.  The last thing I want is to wind up back with my exBPD and go through even more pain (if that's even possible) the next time.  So I guess the quicker I go through the pain and realize it's over, the better it will be in the long run. 

I recall finding out about my ex-wife (not BPD) dating again after our marriage ended and as devastating as that was, in retrospect, it was what finally allowed me to let go of her and really start moving on.  So even though these low points are so low and painful, the end up being the beginning of a new (and better) stage of our lives -- IMO at least. 

Stay strong!  

This is good for me to read today.

I cut the last remaining tie; LinkedIn. I have him blocked everywhere but had disconnected there. I told myself it was because we have mutual contacts but really, I know I was hanging on and lurking.

He would 'like' or repost these little profound articles or sayings. I know, towards me. I found myself obsessively checking daily, seeing who his new connections were... .wasting my precious energy.

I 'unlinked' with him today after much deliberation. I feel sad. I feel the lump in my throat like I could just start crying. It is silly and I am sure this feeling will go away. I know it sent a very strong message to him and I can finally move forward better without being tethered to that electronic piece of him.

Good for you JaneStorm!  Severing those ties is always hard.  I know what you mean about the little profound articles or sayings! When my exBPD and I broke up a year and a half ago (one of the many times), I kept her on facebook and she did the same thing.  When I confronted her about it and asking her not to put our garbage up on facebook for everyone to read, she actually stated that it had nothing to do with our break-up (hahaha).

So kudos to you for protecting yourself from the manipulative games!  Part of me sometimes wants to stoop to that level to "get even" but I honestly think that's what they want - for us to be eternally engaged with them, whether in a positive or negative light. 

As hard as it is, there is a sense of freedom in cutting those ties!

When I read this, the first thing that popped into my mind was "That which you resist, persists."

Why do feel such a strong need to keep her from crossing your mind? What would happen if you let the thoughts in, acknowledged them, and let them go?

I was recently talking to one of my support people and was lamenting the fact that I was thinking about my stbx and was bothered by the fact that he is talking to and going out with a couple of different women. I am seeing somebody else. I feel like it shouldn't bother me. I feel hypocritical. I feel like I shouldn't be thinking about him at all. The more I resist it, the more it seems to happen. I was advised to let myself think or feel whatever it is that came up without trying to push it away or dismiss it. It doesn't matter if it is logical or rational. I have been told that by quite a few people actually. Let yourself think and feel stuff without trying to push your thoughts away. You can think or feel whatever comes up as long as you don't act on it. I have found that giving myself permission to think about it helps way more than deliberately trying NOT to think about it.

Thank you so much. I may have a good cry tonight, but I reckon it is like squeezing pus from a boil; it has to be done in order to heal. 

I agree, JaneStorm.

In fact, based on the series of ties that I've cut in the past few months, I have noticed a very strong pattern.

The most damaging connection was cut first. I was obsessed with it, and sometimes would check it every 20 minutes for hours. It was destroying me. A good friend convinced me that I had to sever it. When I got up the guts to do it, I suddenly broke down sobbing. I felt like I had cut a piece of my heart out.

The next one hurt almost as much. And it took much convincing from another friend.

The next two were only with minor hesitation.

I can tell you that, in hindsight, seeing the effect it had on me after time had passed, the more painful the cutting of the connection was, the more necessary and important the cutting was for my ability to heal.

Excellent point. I agree with this. I think I mean I need to allow the thoughts to happen, but not allow them to have power over me.

Trying to not think about her will just drain my energy. I have been reading about diffusing your thoughts and images so you don't get enveloped by them. I need to practice that more, because I usually think about it too late.

Right now, I find this a most excellent thread.  Thank you All.