BPDFamily.com

I saw my Ex and her H (initially, her affair partner) on Sunday. It's been two years since she moved out.

She invited me and my mom (BPD, PTSD, OCD, Depression, elderly issues, not to mention a huge change of living circumstances different than the last 30 years of her life) over to a bbq. I declined. Her H said, "are you coming over for the bbq?" I said no. He got a confused look on his face, like "why wouldn't you come?"

I didn't tell my mom when I got home. She would want to go. She labels my Ex BPD (naturally), but I think has forgotten the whole story, and also how D3 was likely molested by my Ex's 17 yo brother. I'm not going to remind her. I've had enough to deal with regarding my mom the last two months, with me being called a liar to my face, dissociation, two borderline SI episodes, etc. It's only been stable in the past week.

I got my performance review from work last week, and it was only the second bad review I've had in my 24 year career in high tech. It literally cost me thousands, maybe over ten thousand dollars in lost bonuses, stock. It wasn't my boss, but his corporate drone manager. We work for a well recognized trch company. The thing is, I feel that I deserved it.

I could equivocate, and make excuses, but ultimately I'm responsible for my performance. My only other bad review was when I as 20, a kid, told by an old school director, "we thought we'd see if you would sink or swim." I was stuck with a BPD tech partner (DV to her husband, then later bf, closet alcoholic, everyone else at work knew she had anger issues, ended up 5150'd at one point... it was a chance pairing). I got it. I excelled... .until now.

My Ex and I get along. She likes me a lot more than I like her, though I have some lingering fondnrss of her, a little.

I'm debating asserting more boundaries with my Ex. She never got along with my mom, but has been nice. I so want to teall her my struggles but don't. I want to tell her about my bad review, and his it's impacted me, and how I need to distance myself further from my triggers (she, OM, and her family).

The kids are often out of control when she has them. She's told me. I offer advice to a point, but this is the life she chose. I just want to fix everything. It seems simple with her, and also my mom. Do xyz, and there is little drama. The kids can be rambunctious, especially coming back, but I don't have a problem handling them.

During my review, my boss, who's known me for 24 years said, "your kids have a chance at a normal life with you in it." This was in response to me being waifish, perhaps, and saying,."if I kicked the bucket tomorrow, they'd be we'll taken care of finanicially." Not to be selfish, but I think, "what's in it for me?" How do I take care of myself? It seems so selfish. I feel like that theh al, rely upon me, even the OM, and that I have no one to rely upon other than myself.

Hello Turkish,

From what I remember of your history you have always been self sufficient and had to tend to your own needs. I don't think that this was from choice, it was from necessity, and that pattern of surviving, keeping everything together, fixing things, people, situations is what you know. So that's what you do.

So using your bad job review as an indicator of where you're at emotionally and not just professionally, is maybe this was the only safe place you could fail. Like you said if you fail any where else it's too risky because too many people are dependent upon you.

Is your job fixing/sorting systems, machines, inanimate things, things that can't be hurt if you have a bad review? Because if it is ( apart from the lost bonuses ) failing inanimate things can't hurt them can it ?

Maybe what's important here is to acknowledge not that you let it affect you too much, but that it is affecting you and how you feel matters. I can hear it's hard sometimes not having anyone to talk about things with.


The reality is that your children and your mother are dependent on you and this isn't set to change anytime soon, but that doesn't make it any less overwhelming. It's important that your needs, wants and desires don't get lost in all of this.


Are there ways you could introduce a bit of selfishness into your life that creates a niche for your needs?

What would that niche look like?

Hi Turkish,

I'm sorry to hear about the bad work review.  That would bother the dickens out of me.  For a bunch of complicated reasons that I am sure you mostly can guess at. *)

What is very true for me in my own life is the old phrase "they only whip the horses that are pulling".   I'm usually one of the horses that is pulling.   You are one of the horses that is always pulling.


That doesn't feel selfish to me.   It feels pretty darn logical.   How do you take care of yourself in the middle of everything that you have going on?  The simple logistics of  managing time and people is more than a handful.  How do you channel your inner wolf and allow for some romping in the woods with the fangs out, tongue lollling?

I find for me that I have to be gentle with myself and also to actually schedule down time.   Every three weeks I take a couple of hours, usually around 4 where I am doing nothing.  Or doing something just for myself.   If I don't schedule down time I will just keep plugging along doing too much for other people.

Hang in there.   

'ducks

Turkish, I have followed your threads elsewhere on this board and I really admire you for what you have done.  You are like a rock for so many people and I for one appreciate it that you were there to welcome me. So be to yourself what you are to so many others. Sounds to me like you really need some downtime and selfcare ! After all, it is not the external events which get us down but the way we respond to them. When I am tired and cannot deal I have had to learn to feel my tiredness and give myself the rest and recharge I crave. Then things which have seemed hard become quite easy.You are your most important asset. As long as you have yourself the money will return one day.  It has been  rough for you, quite a transition, but you will come back from this. You always have. PS: the drone is an idiot who does not know how to value a good employee

Hey Turkish,

I can't help to hear in your message that you are likely too isolated and with no one to lean on.  

Do you think making some friends, joining a club or such would help?

I realize activities and friends are no substitute for having another adult allow us to fall apart sometimes and know the pieces will not scatter about... .however, adding some small supports here and there could make a huge difference especially when we feel in a drought of support.  


Where are you at with your thoughts about this?  

Have you thought out some proactive steps for proceeding?  

Are you still digesting it?


So it sounds like declining the BBQ was a bit of a boundary?

In what ways do you feel you need to assert more with her?

What do you imagine the result would be of you sharing your struggles?

_{Edit: you sound close (or arrived) to caregiver burnout}

I'm really sorry to hear about your poor review.  That's a very hard hit.  In the modern age when much of our value is tied up in our jobs, it can really make us feel like a failure in life.  I understand that, and I'm sorry you're going through this.  My breakup had a profound effect on me too and it cost me professionally as well.  My boss was fairly understanding, but my work still suffered and it was noticed.  I felt terrible about it, and I felt very guilty and weak.  I felt like a failure twice over - in love and in life.

I too felt like I was being a wimp and I shouldn't be letting this get to me so much.  I felt like a complete nutcase, and there was a fear in the pit of my gut that this might be the one to send me permanently off the deep end.  It had a huge effect on my already poor self-esteem.  It sounds like you are dealing with similar.  These relationships have a way of throwing our lives into chaos; that's a routine report on these boards.  You know this.  So, please try and remember that while you are going through this.  You've been through a devastating experience, and you have good cause for being this effected.  You're in very good company here.  This isn't your fault and it's not something we can just tough out or shrug off.  I am convinced that many of us are traumatized, and that is some very complex stuff to work through to resolve.  I'm sort of still working to accept all of that too.  I too am still carrying a great deal of guilt.

Hang in there, Turkish.  You're a good man and very good father.  You really do always put your kids first, and that is a very noble quality.  They are lucky to have you as a dad.  You've also been a highly forgiving man to your ex, and have dealt with the situation in a very magnanimous and honorable way.  I'm not sure I would handle things nearly as well as you have.

Do you have a therapist you are seeing?  If not, is that something you might consider doing?  It might be a good way to have someone that could listen to you and help you to feel heard.  I think that is something you are seeking right now.  A good T could also help you to start working through the trauma of this breakup.  This board is helpful, of course, but there isn't a substitute for a good T who can really empathize and support you.

Man, that's a bummer. Sorry the review didn't go so well.

Either way, I think you're doing a good job. It's kind of amazing that you're here right now, in this position even—on amicable terms with your ex and her partner, still in the kids lives, and holding down your job. Not to mention the work you've done helping members here... .  *)

Honestly, I think that your boss might be touching on something really important when I see your response. I know that avoiding certain situations is kind of unavoidable sometimes, but yeah, if you're feeling neglected it's ok to be selfish for a bit. The batteries have to get recharged somehow to get all of this heavy lifting that you're doing done. It's not your job to hold down your ex's (or her partner's) emotions. They exist on their own. Sure, your kids are involved, but it doesn't sound like you're doing anything that could endanger that relationship, legally or otherwise.

I'm curious, why does it feel like they all rely on you? What do you mean when you say that?

I replaced a vacuum pump today. Not part of my normal job description, but I saved the company a $1000 service call. Cleaned up leaked oil, and manged not to injur myself because the last time I added oil to the faulty pump, I jabbed my head on an exhaust flue, and there was a lot of blood. I should have reported the workplace injury, but that's for wimps.

I'll log that I saved the company money (the $43k in labor costs I negotiated away this past year to trade out an old tool made no difference), if only to start advocating for myself, something I've always had trouble doing.

Do I like twisting knobs, manipulating machines and occasionally fixing them? Yes. Do I sometimes feel like Burgess Meredith in that old Twighlight Zone episode where he was the last human, left with his "friends" (books), and giddy? Maybe there is a point there, though not conscious. His reading glasses broke, and then he was in his own purgatory, truly alone.

My mother has calmed down in the past two weeks, so that's a little less stress. I'm taking a parenting class session on Thursday with my Ex, but I'll get through it.

Overall, it feels weak to even complain. I'm not dealing with DV, severe stalking, or any other pressing crisis (aside: my Ex being with her H means reduced drama for me, vis-a-vis her). I do have friends I talk to, and who are supportive, but they live two hours away. I feel the need to reach out to someone, but I don't know who, how to do that, and is it weak to do so? Point: I didn't get this from my mom as a child; this is all me. The sad part is that I want to reach out, a little, to my Ex for support.

I understand how lonely and isolated you are feeling, Turkish.  And I can understand how you are feeling weak about that.  I feel that way too sometimes.

I would pull the trigger on a T.  Just do it.  Don't think on all the reasons it makes you weak to do so.  Having someone in person to talk to regularly and be able to talk about things you can't with other people in your life will help.  You don't have to tell anyone else about it.  It can just be between you and the T.  We all need support.  I'm telling you, these relationships are a type of trauma.  It is the height of irony that our exes abandoned us.  That leaves core wounds.

Turkish hi

I don't know if you have been working in the same workplace for long, whether you feel secure there or whether a bad review is a direct threat to your future employment there. I have worked in places where this meant they were already looking for other people, but I have also worked in places where reviews were used in a more professional manner without immediately threatening job security. What is your biggest worry right now? That you may lose your job or your personal ability to protect the basics of your life from influences of life events? (I got the impression that you and your boss can speak on a more personal level, do you think he actually likes you as a person and would try to help you a bit?)

I also got the feeling that you feel under-appreciated in this job sometimes. I was in the habit of down-playing my achievements when I worked in institutions - I'm now a grumpy free-lancer:)) But I'd be surprised about how people would market every little achievement they had - "look at how I organized these paper clips!- and I didn't have that ability - having grown up with a NPD mother. I know that I would never be able to do this as naturally and comfortably as some people but what could be a new behaviour, skill set that would make our achievements more visible? Sometimes, I have the motivation but just lack the skills to act:)) Do you have the practice of self-review, or a performance improvement procedure in your work place where you could systematically review yourself and report some of your unseen achievements, too? Or how could you get the boss to know that you are actually saving them a lot of money - sometimes we seem to be people of silent virtues:))

As for wanting to speak to your ex, I know the feeling. But in my case, it's related to my FOO, ahem, my NPD mother. Whenever there is a crisis with her, (either something factual, involving her and her NPD cousins or an inner, secret crisis I have because of being around her no matter how much I have detached, I wish I could speak to my ex husband - who is not my BPD ex- who would understand or even my BPDex who wouldn't understand. But this pattern has kept me in difficult relationships, and my relationship with my BPD ex also started under these circumstances. When my life is OK, I don't want to speak to an ex. When I speak to some exes, my life gets more complicated pretty quickly.

Stay strong!  

I've seen a T, the couple's counselor which my Ex's peronsl (HMO) T recommened over two years ago... I stopped counting $$ after it went over an amount which would probably make a good down payment on his boat. That's me being cynical, of course. And he picked up on my "healthy disrespect" for his profession.

All in all, it was good, even necessary, to get valdation from an older male which I never had in my life.  Lacking guidance was part of what led me to my Ex. Tonight, I got through a dysregalatory episode with my mother; partly due to the toold I learned here, and partly due to chsnneling my T, who is a bigger fan of seT, but that's a story for another board.

Sometimes, "it is what it is," isn't too bad a philosophy. It tosses the ball back into our court to do with it what we will, that being solely under our control.

Would you want to share the interaction with mom and how you responded so that we can learn from it?

It sounds like maybe your responses to be thoughtful and apply tools are becoming more natural?

I know your older, not a child, but I do believe in the importance of male role models.  There are so few male teachers and such.  I think it is great that you seem to get on good with your T in a guy kind of way.

(My current T is also male.  I feel I needed females in my earlier years for a sense of motherly learning.  I am glad that I now have a male to learn some relationship stuff from a male perspective.  It is great to learn from both sexes, unfortunately... .not many male T are in practice compared to women.)

Edit: oops!  I now see you put mom issue in other thread.

You're right Turkish 'it is what it is' isn't too bad a philosophy, it's just that at the moment it sounds like there's an emerging part of you that would like to be heard and perhaps supported in a different way. And thats a really positive thing because what I believe is that there was probably no room for it to be heard before.

Maybe because your life is more stable now, this creates some space for you to explore this part of you if you choose to.

So perhaps you might consider throwing the ball back out again... .see what happens

I think I can appreciate where you are at, Turkish.  The world is indeed the way the world is.  Seeing that is not always easy.  Accepting it is even harder.

I think there is a time for acceptance, but also a time for action.  Knowing the difference is sometimes difficult.  It certainly is for me.  The Serenity Prayer captures this so well in 3 short lines.  "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

You are unhappy.  You feel lonely and unheard.  I very much understand.  If seeing a T isn't the best path for you, is there another?  Is this a situation for acceptance or action?