BPDFamily.com

I suspect my adult daughter has BPD. She has cut all family members out of her life. Truthfully I am enjoying the calm of her being gone, but she is the mother to my two grandsons that she won't let me have a relationship with. Do I just ride this out? 

Hi DPT,

So glad you are here and sorry to learn that you aren't currently able to have a r/s with your grandchildren.

What caused your d to cut everyone out of her life?  How long has this been going on?  Is this the first time she has done this?

lbj

This is the first time she has cut of the entire family, normally her episodes are just directed at me. I am not sure exactly what the underlying event. She had just reconciled with her ex husband that is a meth addict, two weeks before my youngest daughter's wedding. He was not welcome at the wedding, she acted horribly. The next day she blocked the entire family from Facebook. She and her ex husband moved to another state and it has been downhill from there. Her relationship with me has been on and off for years. I normally just ride it out, but the more I read, I would like to keep a strong relationship with my grandsons because they will probably need me, but she is using them as a club to hurt me.

Hi DBT

Apols for yet another Q

When was the last time you were in contact with your daughter? 

WDx

She actually did let me face time my grandson on his birthday last weekend, which I told her how grateful I was. The problem is she attempted to get my son and I in trouble with the law by lying. No charges were brought because there was absolutely no evidence, but I did retain a very expensive lawyer to represent my son and I because of the severity of the lies. She stated in a text to me "someone is going to go to jail" She has brought this to a whole new level. I absolutely don't trust her. I adore my grandsons I had then every weekend for a year until she reconciled with her ex. I want a relationship with them, but I need to keep her at a arms distance. I can't apologize for something I did not do, under these circumstances. I don't know how to get from A to Z without an apology . The lawyer advised me to have very limited contact with her. The statute of limitations is 5 years, so for that period of time he advised only to have enough contact with her to keep a relationship with my grandsons.

Oh dear, that is a prickly situation with the statute of limitations and legal advice to limit contact.

So, would just brief interactions revolving around gsons be ok for your legal situation?... .like

"How are you and the kids doing?  Hope all is well with you.  Would it be ok to facetime with gsons on Sunday? Let me know, love mom"

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  You title caught my eye as I have felt that my adult dd has BPD.  She has been in and out of our lives.  Since the grandchildren have come into our lives there has been more of a connection with her.  She has a very dysfunctional ex. and she has  had many battles over custody, etc.  We have spend quite a lot of money as well as heart aches, over custody and other things to help her.  Had I know when she was a young adult that BPD had been a possibility I would have been able to deal with things in a better way.  I am not sure how much would have changed but I would have been in a better place to help her and myself as well.  I also was able to get her sister and dad to read some of the books I was reading.  It has helped because they are much more understanding.  However,  my husband still sees things in black and white some of the times, her sister struggles because having not been a parent yet, just doesn't quite understand at what lengths we parents go through for our children. 

I would like to encourage you to read information on her as well as some of the books.  The people on her are so wonderful, even though you don't always like what they say.     I did find out that I needed to really take a break from it all.  I just couldn't allow myself to spend every waking moment.  I also found a wonderful counselor to talk to.  She was actually the one that pointed out that my dd could have BPD.  I still want to fix it. I sometimes become obsessed with reading and web searching, just knowing that I CAN FIND the right words or make magic to make it all better. 

My dd and I do have a better relationship and share some really fun times.  There are some bad times still and my heart breaks.  However, I have learned that she does continue to call back.  Probably because I have learned to listen and validate.  I am still not good at it and have to use a cheat sheet.  She has a way of turning my mind into mush.  I can't think and still make mistakes.

Lots of hugs to you and hope you can have many many wonderful times with your grandsons. 

I have in the past tried to text her but just got really ugly replies.  However after reading "Loving someone with BPD" as recommended on this site. I sent her a text validating her feelings of betrayal and thanked her for letting me face time my grandson.  I received no response, which I was thrilled. No response is better than a hateful response.  Her sister is soon to be a doctor and is her biggest supporter, however my BPD daughter will have nothing to do with her younger sister or brother.

I spent tens of thousands of dollars when she was divorced from her ex. My lawyer was able to find out she was extorting money from me.