BPDFamily.com

Hi

Right or wrong I read my BPDs 25 diary today. It covered the time he lived away in 2015 in USA. It was painful to read but I have a greater understanding of just how xxxxed up he is. He wants to be well, normal but finds it all just too difficult. Amazingly difficult. His problems stem from his deep need to feel really loved. He also hears voices.

So, he was addicted Kratom and started to cut again due to stresses. He found it very difficult to find work due to his mental state. He got very low and we asked him home, U.K. He hasn't admitted to Kratom use or the cutting (despite us talking frankly) but has told me about gobbling a load of Xanax before taking himself to hospital. This lead to diagnosis.

Bpds has settled to working casually. He now has money in his back pocket and is now smoking weed regularly (confirmed last night).  We agreed that he would pay me money each month, that starts (supposed to) next week. He says he's desperate to get back to the USA, he wants to make a proper go of it and he knows what he's got to do now. BUT, having read his diary, he knows he should give up the weed but doesn't or can't.

Until he addresses the important issues of treatment and drugs he'll be in a cycle.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm feeling just so unbelievably sad. I wish I had the money to send him somewhere for the help he needs. But I know it would be pointless, he has to want to change himself.

I'm feeling that we need to talk to him. I know we're going to have to talk to him.

But, even with a few minor successes using some of the skills on here, I'm scared of messing it up. I'm just scared all told really. These are problems just too big for us.

We're back to exactly where we've always been. It's always that he's just got to turn this one corner. Things will be different this time. They're just not. However, we are so much greater informed and aware. We can now see he needs help.

L

Knowledge is power Lollypop!

Addiction comorbid with BPD is tough... .any possibility of getting him into  treatment for the addiction?  I'm not familiar with the options in the UK.

Hi LBJNLTX

There's no hope on the NHS, particularly because his GP refused to refer him for mental health assessment. He says tough love is needed.

we have talked about it before when we've been in crisis. I was working then so could have possibly managed the fees but there's no way now.  I'll do some research.

L

Yeah... .when it comes to addiction and getting an addict into treatment of anykind it sometimes does take some tough love... .

Do you have NA (Narcotics Anonymous) there in the UK?  Here in the US it is a free support group for addicts trying to recover.

Hi Lollipop

It was an enlightening act for you gain a better understanding of your son. I'd guess 70% of parents on this site have searched like you. I've been there and the insight was shocking, humbling and a huge lesson for me, to be able to accept my daughter's fragile world, that is different from my life experience.

I can't recall where I read this ... along the lines of ... .'it takes the equivalent of 1,000 time of effort for my BPD loved one to deliver everything I, and you do. It provides a us a real perspective.

Did your son attend his assessment, Lollipop? The assessment will speak to substance abuse and offer NHS and wider services. It easier to access these services than DBT for sure. Have you thought of writing to your MP, attending their Saturday morning surgery, to speak out about the lack of mental health services on behalf of your son, it may speak to him, how much you care,

It's heart breaking for us recognise and accept our children's suffering. For me acceptance of my daughter's suffering, once she acknowledged has led to what I describe as a resilient relationship with my daughter. She is leading her recovery, despite her fragility.

This is a journey that I did not envisage for her, nor she for I. Akin you and your son.

WDX

I forgot to end with. I have everlasting hope, without that I'd give up today. x

Hi

Just an update. Bpds has reorganised his mental health assessment appointment. I'm not sure when it is but think in about another week or so.  Bpds is out of the house a lot which is not a good sign. He goes quiet when there's a problem. I'm finding his lack of participation in our family life difficult but it's always been the same. He doesn't want to spend any time with us, only use us. He will, of course, carry on until we decide to put a stop to it.  as always, let's see what this week brings. I'm sorry, I'm feeling a bit down and very tired. I just want him to work, save up and leave us in peace while he tries to move himself forward. He won't do it while he lives in our house, it's too comfortable and he's no reason to change.

L

In my experience some BPDs find it almost impossible to save money. They make promises, may even have great intentions but ... .

The instant gratification they feel from spending money or the need they have for buying something in the moment often outweighs the long term plan to save for a specific reason.

It's as if they are telling themselves "I hurt NOW and if I spend this money NOW, I will feel better NOW. 

They struggle to think of the future when they are feeling pain/fear/anger/need in that moment. It's an unhealthy method of self soothing

Hi Lollypop

So sorry to hear you are tired and down.  I'm also exhausted by last weeks events and also strung out by not knowing what lies ahead, despite DD fighting for her medical rights, she is so fragile, it's taking it's toll alround.

Your sons DBT assessment is likely to offer addiction treatment for free, from our experience it's normally offered within days/week or so. Problem is DBT is not offered as a parallel treatment. Has anyone else a view on this? My DD attended an alcohol assessment today, only to return to the crisis home to find another assessment waiting for her from a different provider, that completely wore her out, the crisis home messed up. This evening she visited her GP to get her meds reassessed, she was really relying on this happening as the internal and external voices are strong. Her GP is on holiday for a month and now she is now being referred to a psychiatrist for the first time. My point is there is no joined up approach to mental health treatment, no one point of reference for patients. Even I find it confusing, stressful and utterly exasperating.

I guess the telling point is if your son attends the DBT assessment, that he acknowledges he wants help to, as you say to break the cycle. Has your son worked out how much he needs to save to be able to move out and how long that will take him?

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

WD

Hi WD

I researched last week to see if there's anywhere in the UK that offers parallel treatment but couldn't find anything. Before he returned home I naively thought I could get something in place, I see he needs a multi-approach. i fell at the first hurdle, his GP. That's why we went to A&E for a referral. But without commitment from BPDs any treatment is not going to work. However, there's still the telephone assessment to happen so there's a glimmer of hope.

We had a good conversation last Wednesday. I say "good" because he was able to discuss. What came through to me is: I need to self-medicate, I'm stable, drug treatment and therapy aren't my priority right now. Bpds has another objective: go to the USA.

I told him that this feeling of stability wouldn't last, he was feeling good because the work had been available to him. It won't always be like that and he doesn't cope well when he's not working (which is the majority of the time).  I stressed the importance of treatment and therapy, we accepted his decisions but didn't agree with them. This included the self-medicating. If he was serious about going back to the USA he needed to save. He's due to give me money this Friday.

He's been out most of the time since then. I asked him to walk the dogs yesterday lunchtime but he refused (politely). This morning he missed his alarm (one days work this week).  To be fair this is the first time ever as he's anal about being late but I could have predicted it as he's been out for 5 days. I got up and spoke to him in the car while driving him to his job. Apparently he's not feeling very good (excuse the sarcasm!).  

I told him that we empathised, that it must be terrible for him but he needed to help himself. We are giving him the space to do this but he isn't helping himself. He will remain in this cycle until he breaks it. We can't do it for him. He is not taking part in family life, he won't help us in any way but expects us to help him (referring to giving him a lift to work). He just said "I'm not feeling good and haven't been for a few days". I told him firmly "well, you may decide to go there but we aren't doing so".  This is, of course, completely wasted energy. Anyway, He can't digest more than one thing at a time, particularly when stressed and he was late for his days work. I couldn't help myself and asked who he'd been with; he said "various people" - which means "I'm not telling you because I know you don't approve or like them because they're druggies or dealers etc".

Even if I could wave a magic wand and have a rehabilitation centre within 30 miles of home, with DBT available, free, our situation wouldn't change. He's far too entrenched in his behaviour patterns and lifestyle. He doesn't want to change. He's not ready yet.

Our choices our crap.

The emotional turmoil does take its toll WD. Try and take care of yourself. It sounds as if your daughter is about to turn a massive corner with accessing the services she needs. Our adult children are ultimately responsible for themselves but I really do appreciate they need a lift up; they need help.

I find it so hard to get the line right between enabling, supporting, mentoring, parenting plus living my own life. I have another son, but at times you'd never know it. I've allowed the elder son to dominate all of our lives. It stopped last May 15 when we said goodbye at the airport. We had a wonderful 4 months, our youngest opened up and told us how much he resented his brother. We allowed BPDs back because he needed our help, he'd been diagnosed and our understanding changed. It doesn't appear BPDs's understanding of his situation is very clear to him, either that or he just can't deal with it (which is more likely). Life's challenges are just too much for him.

Your experience is so very useful and I'm in wonder that you've both managed to get this far. It's hard enough without obstacles. Stay strong WD and do something nice for yourself. I truly hope she sees the psychiatrist soon. It seems one problem after another, but it's all a process and she's moving forward!

L