BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

My daughter is 15 and having a really tough time at school. She seems to be having some depression and some anxiety symptoms and it's possible she has asperger syndrome (her father does and so do I), but sometimes I wonder if she's actually displaying some BPD traits.

I'd be really grateful if you could tell me some of the earliest red flags you noticed in your own child.


Many thanks

Lifewriter x

Hi Lifewriter!

Here is a feature thread where many parents share their thoughts and experiences on that subject:

Early Signs of BPD in our Children (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270988.0)

My daughter, now 23, showed signs of a personality disorder when she was really small, around the age of 3. She was aggressive, refused to "know" right from wrong, hated any type of authority, super-intelligent, had poor impulse control and was violent.

She had an attitude that was strange at the time: she'd go into a room of kids and yell "who wants to play with ME?" almost as a challenge. The first time I took her aside and explained that it was nicer for her to ask someone if she could play with them. She didn't understand at all. She was kicked out of two dance schools by age 4 because she refused to do anything the teachers said, even stand (she'd sit). She said she didn't have to listed to them.

She was kicked out of a preschool for hitting and biting at age 4.

She NEVER sat in time out. I mean NEVER. I would put her there and she'd get up and say I couldn't make her stay. She challenged me all the time. She called me so many names (we lived with my parents at that point and she had heard my father calling me those names, so she did, too). I tried spanking her once and she looked and me and said "That didn't hurt, try harder." I found that I was about to lose it so I had to give up.

I was forced to take her to a therapist to get her into another school, but there were no conclusions.

She saw several therapists but never for very long because she would cry and say how horrible they were and I always fell for it and felt sorry for her.

By the age of 8 she was physically attacking me.

And here we are.

IMO, persons on the spectrum tend to have a great amount of empathy and consideration for others, maybe even more so than non ASD persons.

My sis with BPD lacked empathy early on, as a child she had a sense of entitlement and while she was able to make friends fairly easily, she often used them for her own ego 'needs' or to make herself seem important.  She had issues with emotional regulation, and either acted out at mom or someone, or sought 'self soothing' with a friend to verbally 'bash' the 'offender.' 

Persons who I have known with ASD did not seek 'self soothing' in the same manner.  Often they need stimulation to diminish rather than seeking out venting or other 'exciting' chaotic behavior as a manner for soothing.  (The BPD venting is different than having an ASD meltdown and expressing meltdown frustration.)

I have not met a person with both ASD and BPD so I do not know how that would present.

Thanks for the link lbjnltx.

Noteliz - you've had a nightmare of parenting your daughter by the sound of it. Thanks for posting your experiences. It's helped me tremendously.


Sunfl0wer - I think my daughter sounds more ASD than BPD from what you say but could you possible explain this more fully... .I want to be sure I actually understand what you're saying correctly.


Love Lifewriter

Persons with ASD often have some difficulties or diminished interest with joint attention and social referencing.  infantva.org/documents/CoPA-Nov-JointAttentionSocialRefer.pdf. They are less liklely to seek out a peer when frustrated to vent about it via commiserating and complaining about another for the sole purpose of feeling emotionally validated and emotionally soothed by the interaction.

Persons I have known with BPD seem to have a strong impulse to seek out others when they are frustrated to 'prove' their emotion is 'valid.'  They often do so by finding a peer to join in their bad feelings of speaking ill about the perceived offender.

I guess in short:  Persons with ASD are simply more information and fact driven vs emotion driven.  Sure, emotion can override and overwhelm them at times, but when at a regular calm state, they seek info over emotional validation.  Persons with ASD can sometimes be soothed by logic whereas a pwBPD finds that more frustrating and feels neglected by the logic as feelings = facts to them and it feels invalidating.