BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I've been with my wife about eight years and we have a one year old child.  She is exhibiting some symptoms of what seems to be postpartum depression, some of which are amplifications of traits she showed prior to when she got pregnant.  Now whenever she gets upset with me, she drops the D-word.  As she thinks I wouldn't want custody of our child, she adds that she'll leave me with custody, which strongly suggests she isn't serious with her use of the D-word.  I am almost 100% sure she would want custody of our child if there were a divorce.  She is a stay-at-home mom and works one day a week.

Here are some of her traits:

1) Phobic of outdoors (e.g. won't even take our baby to the park, which is within walking distance of our house; doesn't want to get out of the car when we go for a "Sunday afternoon drive"

2) Refuses to go to counseling

3) Repeatedly accuses me of being stingy when I've been generous with her

4) Treats me very disrespectfully (e.g. hangs up the phone on me, disregards my constructive suggestions, criticizes me, speaks to me in hostile/impolite tones, etc.)

5) Demands luxury gifts.  When I don't give in (because she's been treating me poorly), she points to other couples and says something like "Jack bought Jill a $60,000 BMV"

6) Refuses to go to the doctor for herself or make doctor appointments for herself or our child.

7) She'll go on a rant, perhaps even using the D-word, then the following day peacefully ask about some future plan we need to have together for our child.

8) She is insisting on having her mother move in with us, when have already came to a clear agreement that she

9) Stays up very late and wakes up late.  Refuses to attempt to modify her sleep schedule, saying it's impossible.

10) Lets the baby stay up late (often well beyond midnight)

11) When she won't speak rationally with me about the aforementioned issues, I say I'll talk with her friends.  She responds by saying I'm the laughingstock among her friends because I talk to them about my wife.

12) Never says "I'm sorry"

13) Blames me for any problem she causes with respect to housekeeping.

Perhaps there's more I could add.  Please feel free to ask questions.

You may all be wondering why I stick with this marriage in spite of the above.  I'm well aware of the pain of divorce and am willing to endure if she isn't serious about a divorce.

Hello and welcome to the club.

My first question, is what is your question?

As far as postpartum, could be, might not be.

How long where you two together before hand?


I'll give you a little story

Wife was great 6 months I knew her.

Wife got pregnant, started being angry. blamed her pregnancy. Not normally angry she says

Wife angry after birth. Blamed loss of hormones

Wife gets pregnant again. Wife is angry. Blamed pregnancy

Wife angry after birth. blamed on hormone loss

wife still angry. Blames Postpartum.

Wife even angrier 2 years later since birth.  Now says this is who I am.

At the end of relationship, says I am the one with anger issues.

I don't have a specific question for the readers here.  But among that which would be helpful would be:

1) Has anyone dealt with a spouse with similar issues?  If so, what was the outcome and/or diagnosis?

2) What is some advice for dealing with a spouse who won't deal with me in a rational manner?

3) To what degree would documenting her behavior (and in what manner should it be done) be of help should she decide that divorce is the way to go?



We've been together about eight years total.



My wife doesn't blame anyone other than me.


My wife doesn't know what postpartum is.  Why I don't mention it to her is a good question.  She would deny she has a problem and simply say it's me with the problem.


Like you, she says I'm the one with anger issues.

I have been through all of the above with uBPDw with two children; the worst of times was when she was actually pregnant. There was no doubt afterward that she had postpartum depression, which descended into a period of lunacy so profound it would make your head spin. Generally she was a very good mother during this time -- but I was treated with a level of contempt and disgust and ignored for the most part. There were some bright times, but not many. By the time our second child came along, it was the same story. Eventually that led to our separation (triggered by her incredibly paranoid accusations), but I saw a complete change in her over time and we reconciled. Since that time, she has descended into the depths of blaming me for everything that is wrong with her life and digging up 15-year-old grudges about me or anyone I've ever known. Anytime she gets upset with me, she also uses the D-word, or says she is going to "disappear" with the children, wishes I would just drop dead, etc. and on and on.

At one point about a year after our first was born, she went to her family doctor, who diagnosed depression and prescribed an antidepressant. The effects were immediate and remarkable. It was like the person I met and fell in love with had returned to me. But about a month later, she stopped taking the medication because it made her "feel weird" and back we went into the depths of hell. She refuses to get any sort of psychiatric treatment because she says *I* am the one with the "mental issues."

Not trying to frighten you, but what has helped me hold on has been the following.

Review the chapters on this site to learn how to deal with the irrational behavior. Validation took me a long time to master, but it works for me most of the time now. It took me a long time to realize that uBPDw's bark is much worse than her bite, unless she enlists the aid of one of her enablers (her very similar female family members, who know exactly how to push her into a corner and incite conflict). The most difficult part for me is just realizing that uBPDw is not well and not to take her accusations, insults and threats too seriously.

You also asked, to what degree would documenting her behavior (and in what manner should it be done) be of help should she decide that divorce is the way to go?



It's VERY important. I started a daily journal of her actions about a year before we actually separated. It helped me recognize and prepare for her mood patterns, which follow a common path depending on the time of month or time of year. When I finally hired an attorney when uBPDw filed for custody (she refused to let me see the children at all at first), my 18 months of documentation were very useful for the attorney.

Since we reconciled a number of years ago, I have relegated myself to dealing with the problem rather than getting upset, jumping into a confrontation with her, and then shutting down. I have learned to find my own happiness and realize that she can't change that, nor will I allow it.