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On a lighter note, anybody thinking of giving their spouse a Valentine present? What would be considered a validating present?

Ah - the dilema of choosing what gift WON'T cause a bad reaction... .

I just got over one raging dysfunction- mind you I said I... .I don't know if he is fully over it yet coz he is not sleeping well and I can sense how hard he is tying to control his lows... .

However, this time I realized that I have let him destroy my ability to empathize or be expressive in addition to my co-depency which makes expression of validtiin by words difficult after so many years of rage... .

But my uBPDH really has come a long way and if I look at the history of the last 13 years, the raging intensity has gone down and I am getting better at expecting that it's never going away... .Bpd is going to be that 3rd person in iur relatiinship so I am trying to keep things at a minimal, taking good care of myself and meeting with my T on Monday to help me through this.

So I was thinking of how I'd try to be so thoughtful sbout Valentine day and then I let life and BPDH just take that enthusiasm and love away... .So today I am going to go out to lunch eith some girlfriends and buy a present for bodH and my sweet daughter coz it'll make me feel good!

So today I am going to go out to lunch eith some girlfriends and buy a present for bodH and my sweet daughter coz it'll make me feel good  |iiii


I got to a point where too much sadness got in the way and I got into a place in my head and heart that said, if you don't bother with a card he'll realise you're upset. So I stopped giving cards for a couple of years. My behaviour only caused me and him more upset ( once he realised Valentines Day had come and gone ) and I also realised I was being mean and petty. 

He was in such a bad way for a long time, he didn't know what day of the week it was let alone be able to acknowledge Valentines Day.

I love my h and I enjoy choosing a card for him, it doesn't usually trigger him, and I understand better now that he expresses his love for me in different ways.

So give a card if you want to, and maybe reframe your expectations around what your SO can manage and look for expressions of love in other places. They will be there. 

Sweetheart,

I'm going to go ahead and buy him a card & shirt or something coz he is going to be travelling and I really feel like doing it coz of my love within. All my life before meeting my H, I have been a person with very minimal expectations from relationships and so made friends forever very easilY and I let this BPD run havoc through my life and became bitter from having more expectations than a healthy person should have to be happy.

One of my cousins had gifted me a really sweet PowerPoint video of my entire life from birth to when I got pregnant for my baby shower and I was watching it a few months ago... .I just had a meltdown and cried seeing the happiness and the free spirit I had... .It was not how I looked coz I actually looked crappy & funny coz I was younger but the happy spirit! And I was a very fun person to be with. I want my daughter to see the real me and not the new ME who had been compromised by my H's BPD. I cannot let the illness define me anymore than I already have and have been doing a lot of intropection since then.

So this buying a gift for my family members is a step towards regaining some of the ME that got left behind.

Thanks for listening

And that's the start to improving things, reclaiming yourself from the illness. It's really good to hear waitingwife.