BPDFamily.com

I'm just waking up to this realization... .putting a name to a spectrum of mother's traits and behaviors. BPD. Will it help to know what it is when I've never understood what to do about it?

My mother was one of fourteen children born to a Chinese matriarch in the Philippines. Grandmother handed each child off to a nanny ("yaya" in the Philippines). Mom herself can't remember a single time she was held by her own mother and while this narrative has carved a small space for compassion in my heart, her inexplicable cruelties and injustices over the years make it impossible to justify any longer. I've spent time and money on therapy, time and money on spiraling then recovering from drugs and alcohol, and now time and money helping HER get her life in order. Now (clean and sober for 10+ years, married and stable) I'm about to be a mother for the first time, and I'm finding it even more difficult to cope with these things I've repressed in order to tolerate her presence in my life, which compound with a bevy of more recent behaviors (her alienated friendships, poor financial decisions, questionable lifestyle/living arrangements) that she gathers year after year after year.

I'm 38 and she's 68 now. What will happen as she ages? As I begin my own journey as a mother, where will she fit in my life? What boundaries must I set when she could/should be of practical help to me and my husband? What do I do with a presence that frustrates, unnerves and disappoints when I, like a sad little rat in a cage, pushes the lever expecting love, compassion, and dare I say wisdom?

My heart is broken today thinking about all this while I'm trying mightily to not feel sorry for myself, my sister and brother. Trying to not be too angry at her. Trying to remember she's not had it easy herself. Meanwhile, she's off somewhere wasting her time without a care in the world and I'm sitting here reeling from this revelation. I don't want to call my siblings and share. I want this private discovery to be my own for now. She'd never seek therapy or help and she'd never admit there's even a problem. Meanwhile, my unemployed sister is a wake-and-bake stoner and my brother (also a stoner) is crippled by low self-esteem. I know I should worry about my own life, but I guess being pregnant is causing me to reflect on my family, my origins and my well-being going forward.

I AM in therapy and I'm also so glad to have found this board. To have put a name to this all. It's helped a lot reading about other people's experiences. Much gratitude to all.

Welcome Lovesuna, so glad you have joined us! 

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy and baby to come!  :) This is a joyful time in your life.

Thank you for your introduction and telling us about your life.


It is often shocking to suddenly realize a family member has BPD. I remember reeling from the news myself, wanting someone to confirm/validate what I thought was true of my mom, but at the same time scared to death to share it with another family member until I knew more. Even then, it took me some time to feel free enough to share it with one of my 2 siblings. You'll want to evaluate the right time if ever to share it with them. Take your time, and be patient with yourself as you learn more about this PD.

Yes, it will help to know what it is that your mom had. Learning about BPD and what it is becomes the first step of many to not only understand better your mom, but also the open door to understanding yourself. I always wondered why I responded the way I did to certain things, or why I did the things that I did. As I started T, I began to get some answers once I connected the reality that my pwBPD strongly influenced me through my childhood and on into adult years.

Have you read any books or articles which have helped you to learn more about BPD? I look forward to hearing more about your journey of discovery.


Wools

Welcome Lovesuna, congratulations on your pregnancy and baby to come!  I have never been a parent yet, but can imagine that it is very exciting (as well as scary).

Anyways, I am also at that lightbulb stage - which I see the key to understanding myself, why I reacted in certain ways, why I have anxiety with respect to certain things etc. etc.  And you know what, knowledge is power.  While it is very scary (I am finding it also that way), it is also very empowering.  Of course, it is also a struggle and can be overwhelming at times - which is why I have reached out to this board.

I definitely don't have all the answers (or even many of them) but am sure that we will all meet and chat more on this life journey to discovering and understanding ourselves (as well as our BPD parent).

Take care,

Anon72

  Welcome!

Congrats on your sobriety, years of self-care/therapy and impending motherhood! Also congrats on your lightbulb. It's scary but so important. You ask some really good questions about what you will need to think about regarding your mother's role in your life. I do not have children (for a variety of reasons), however there was a time I thought we might. Reading your post, I am reminded of my thought process at the time. One of the cons to having children was that my mother lived close enough that she would want to spend time with our kids and it made me uncomfortable. She was not a good mother to me, why would I expose my child to her? How do you feel about that?

Life and family is complicated because I'm having to court a revised relationship with the person who has hurt me the most. The truth is I'm not ready to shut my mother out of my life. I'll continue to leave room for her to become a better person. It may never come, but I'm not prepared to write her off completely. Am I setting myself up for disappointment?  I won't know till I know.

My as yet unknown practical needs loom large. It would be convenient for her to step up to the plate, to be a better grandmother than she was a mother to me. But I can't count on this outcome. What I know is that the mental and physical well-being of myself and now a little one are what matters most and so defenses are up. The exposure is necessary despite the potential for pain. Without testing the water, we won't know whether or not it's safe to go in and I couldn't live with the idea that we never gave her a shot.  I'll have to lean on support here and in therapy to see me through what I hope will be a positive transformation. Thanks for your input busybee1116... .I'll keep asking vital questions the whole way through.