BPDFamily.com

It's occurred to me more than once that my ex might think I'm the one with the personality disorder.

What if he's on this board right now, trying to figure me out?

Hey steelwork.  My exBPD thought exactly that.  When she came back in December with her "apologies" she said she thought I had BPD.  She had such great insight after taking a few courses to become a psychologist.   When I told her to read the definition again and look on the mirror she looked at me dumbfounded.  Don't think she has the capacity to be honest with herself. 

I thought the same about my daughter ;--)

What if we all are deranged?  :)

I know sure as shxt that I am!

During our arguments with my ex, when she would accuse me of saying something or twisting my words, she would ask me: "Are you a bipolar, or what?"

Lol, me too.

That's actually what did it for my relationship. We had no money for psychiatric help, but she had decided she had BPD and told me so we did all the reading, struggled like hell, I was still learning how best to communicate with her, set boundaries, she was reading Linehan's DBT skills... .and then she found this book that told her that I had narcissistic personality disorder, NPD, and that the way she was was a direct result of the years of narcissistic abuse I put her through.

Now, to be fair, I have problems, but not what she would accuse me of. We were both just as sick when we were doing drugs together, when we were killing bottles of 100 proof vodka together, we put each other through hell. But then after that book (How to deal with the narcissist in your life, I believe) there were more and more. She started reading about NPD because she said her mom had it and that's what caused her BPD along with her stepmom having NPD. So she found some books that told her just what she wanted to hear; it wasn't her fault. It was mine. All those years of changing to make her happy, of alienating my friends, losing jobs, wasting money, were because I was using her to get what I wanted. I was just there as an emotional vampire, setting things up to feed off her happiness. That I didn't really love her. That I had no empathy.

No empathy. That's why I was terrified of her emotional state. That's why I appeased her and her neuroses for more than ten years.

My biggest concern is that she finds someone else, the classic narcissist that I wasn't anymore, to feed off of, giving her disorder full blown control and justification over her, and then wondering why she can't maintain a healthy relationship. I love her so much and she's setting herself up for failure and wasting all the years of work we put in together.

I don't think it's a weird thought. A weird thought would be to look at yourself in the mirror and to try to mirror the person you see in the mirror.  

p.s. My ex too said I might have a problem. Maybe I do.  

Mine once said that I was probably a masochist for putting up with her meanness/manipulation/game-playing for so long.

It's me steelwork, I am your ex. I am still formulating a diagnosis for you! lol

Keep reading on the boards, you'll see that it's quite common for people with PDs to accuse their SOs of having mental issues.

My ex was some what right I did have an explosive personality that took years of self reflection and understanding.  I hadn't had one in say seven years, but to be honest the night I knew my BPD ex wasn't safe to live with me I was through half the dish ware out the third floor windo, it a last resort technique to channel so as not to hurt someone.  I thank gosh I never laid a hand on her.  I remember times she wielded a knife, and calmed her down to were we in an hour just cuddled.  I thought I was hot stuff and could use what I learned over the years to defuse any misplaced anger.  It's funny how that person is a part of me and will never completely go away.  But everything else, accused of, was a projection of hers.  Boy do I miss and love that girl

I knew it! Just like the Pina Colada song! I swear, I'm in therapy now, and I'm taking my meds every day!

Seriously, though. During the painful months last spring of googling "silent treatment" and "no empathy?" and "abandonment issues" and some of the other things that lead people here (absent a diagnosis of their SO), I was still blaming myself about 96% for the failure of the relationship, as is my habit. I guess it was natural to wonder, what if I am the one with the personality disorder? I have abandonment issues, too! What if I'm not thinking straight, not seeing this for what it is, even now? Without going into gory detail, I was given a "clean bill of health," but that doesn't mean I don't have some symptoms of BPD. A field day for someone who is as good at projecting unpleasant truths onto others as my ex was.

What I mean is, in all the chaos and confusion it's easy to lose your bearings. I think this is part of the reason so many of us are hungry for certainty (which we can never have) about the state of our SOs and exes' personalities.

Another big reason is that we want to know that what we "lost" was never possible. We want to know that the next person isn't getting the healthy relationship we wanted. That's natural, too.

The way my ex and I left things: with a mutual acknowledgement that he was in a happy new relationship. I just went along with that premise. And I said, in a moment of self-pity, that it would be much harder for me to find someone new than it was for him, because women in their 40s have fewer options than men. (His new gf is in her 20s.) He said, "That's true." Thanks, buddy.

Sometimes I really do hope he's happy with her, and that they have a good stable life together.  But then that thought becomes unbearable. I'm back to wanting to know that he's really as messed up as I think he is. Which is a messed-up thing to want.

Sorry. I don't know what I'm saying. Just... .thoughts.

I have no doubts about that.   

Arghhhh!

This is just like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!

I know, I know .

[rips radiator off wall, tosses it through window]

Catches the radiator and starts playing accordion with it: "Thunderstruck by AC/DC.

Mine told me to seek professional help when I asked why she didn't want to see me anymore the day after she told me she "liked me a lot".

That was the first devaluation. I just left it at that and she contacted a week later asking "do you hate me?", and "I tend to self destruct and it makes me feel broken".

It seems an almost certainty that every BPD-partner is at some stage accused of having issues. If you stay with them for long enough - you'll even start believing it! (It comes as a huge relief when you go for therapy and get told that yes, you do have issues, but only very small ones!)

I have major codependency issues (which is no surprise for a recovering alcoholic/drug addict) as well as anxiety/obsessive thought patterns.  Both of which my exBPD used to her advantage as she knew how i ticked and how to hurt me the most.  She would play off my weaknesses to punish me.  And then she would lean on my codependency when she wanted me back after we broke up... .  ahhh the games... .

Why do I miss her so much?   

No, you don't. You only miss things she's not.

So true, I miss the "mask" that she wore in the beginning that was not the real her.  Most of all, I'm struggling being alone more than anything, I think.   Guess I have to learn to fall in   with myself now   

haha

See it as sailing your own boat through stormy oceans towards smoother seas. :)

Yes, good analogy!  Guess I should be more optimistic!

I'm trying to have trust and faith that one day I will have a healthy relationship with a good woman that will make me laugh at the insanity of the last 4 years of my life... .

I sought help by signing us up for marriage counseling numerous times (all sabotaged by him, he admits this), a couple's communication course, tried to get our doctor involved in getting him help, sought my own therapy several times to manage the stress of the marriage (and the first few times to help me learn how to help my husband... .and it took several tries before I "got it" that I needed to focus on me, not him).  Because of all of this, in his many rages I was accused of having the mental illness, not him.