BPDFamily.com

So, a few weeks ago I made a topic (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289741.0) where I explain that I'm out of the crazy-making relationship for over a year now. I feel good, everything is fine. After depressions, anti depressives and a lof of soul searching I am now finally happy with myself, my social life, my hobbys, my work, you name it. No reason to get into contact with my ex, thankfully.

However, as you can read in the link I posted above, a few weeks ago my ex contacted me through email. It was a very confusing email, telling me she doesn't want to get back together, but she misses the times we have and called me 'special'. Keep in mind she's living with my replacement already.

While I had some low contact a few days after that, ending with me telling her (very neutral, not with emotion) that I want to end this contact and wishing her the best, I guess her contact has resulted in her finding a way in my thoughts again. The past couple of weeks, while I don't feel really sad and can function just fine like I have been the past half year, she is on my mind more than usual. Sometimes in dreams, sometimes during the day. She has created an urge in me to contact her again.

Now, what good would that do? Why would I even want to contact her? What do I have to say? Nothing. I don't want to get back together, but I can't deny the pull I'm feeling, just the way I was feeling it during all those on/off times during our relationship. With little contact she has created this urge in me again and its difficult to contain myself to not get into contact with her.

If anyone has some tips for me to find some peace of mind again and to stop me from contacting her during a lonely night or just a weak moment during the day, that would be greatly appreciated. I see myself (with no disrespect to the persons dealing with it) as a recovering alcoholist, and the bottle (as in, her) is calling me again. A sip could destroy all (or some of the) progress I've made. I have to be strong but I can't deny I would greatly appreciate your help. Thanks in advance.

 

Sounds like you've come a long way in recovering from this relationship and are in a much healthier place.  That is what you need to focus on when you get the urge to reach out to her.  Like you said you don't have anything to say.  I know from experience that even though the urge may be strong it will pass and you will find your equilibrium again.  The key is to not give in to the urge to contact her.  You did the right thing by reaching out.  It all comes down to will and discipline.  When the urge comes remind yourself of how far you've come, why you don't want to have a relationship with this person, and envision what you do want and the type of person you want it with.  This doesn't necessarily make the feelings, thoughts, and emotions go away but it can prevent you from taking any action.  I've made a pact with myself that no matter how much I want to talk to my ex about anything but our child, I will fight the urge no matter how uncomfortable or emotional I feel.  I find with time it passes.  Also find as many distractions as possible to ease the temptation.

It will get better - hang in there   

I see myself (with no disrespect to the persons dealing with it) as a recovering alcoholist, and the bottle (as in, her) is calling me again. A sip could destroy all (or some of the) progress I've made. I have to be strong but I can't deny I would greatly appreciate your help.

Hi Close,

You called it; it is an addiction. You're, again, fighting your own biology---brain chemistry. That brief contact with her triggered that old chemistry that you once had with her, the chemistry of attraction. It has nothing to do with rational thought ("I don't want her back." It has everything to do with emotions. Stay strong, determined, hold your ground, eventually your brain chemistry will revert back to baseline normal (mind over matter). With enough time and distance, she'll no longer be able to trigger that old chemistry.

Thanks for the support folks 

Of course I made the mistake of engaging in contact after the hints she dropped. Nothing good came out of it, as always. She was kind at least (or played that way, who knows). I'm done, contact is only making me feel worse. If she starts contact again, I'm going to ignore it.