BPDFamily.com

DH and I had a meeting with SS11's teacher and several school professionals to get him some extra support. He is diagnosed with depression and anxiety and he is having a hard time staying focused and on task at school. He is also "playing dumb" in order to get extra attention and praise from his teacher. So DH and I sat down and worked out a plan with the school to get him squared away.

Here are the basics of the order:

-Parties have 50/50 custody with BPDm getting about 5% physical custody on paper and only taking about 2% of her parenting time due to distance and her refusal to travel to use her court provided time in our area.

-The parties are to co-parent but communicate "primarily through email".

-DH must give BPDm all available contact information for the kids schools and activities. It is then up to BPDm to follow up with the school if she wants more information.

-The children's appointments and dates and times of their activities must go on OFW which BPDm must have access to.

So, from a legal perspective, do we have to tell her about the meeting? She has not called the school once. Has not communicated with his teacher at all. She has not logged onto OFW since last June. The children tell her when they are getting their report cards and she has them tell her how they did. The grading system at SS11's school is different and unless you've been to a parent orientation night you aren't going to understand it.

We aren't trying to play keep-away with information. It's just that when we brought him to a psych for evaluation and medication she went through the roof, hurling all kinds of accusations, putting it in SS11's head that he had been " just fine" when he was with her and pushing him phone call after phone call to say he wanted to live with her. As a matter of fact, at the meeting his teacher pointed out that time period as when a pretty sharp decline in his effort at school started. All telling her things seems to do is make things worse. Since SS11 doesn't know about the meeting and it was for student support, not an IEP, I kind of feel like even bringing this to her attention just gives her fuel to cause more drama.

Ex has school contact information, she is free to contact them.  Knowing DH's every interaction with school wasn't specified to be communicated, I wouldn't tell her about the meeting.  If it ever becomes an issue in court then "It's easier to get forgiveness afterward than permission beforehand" may be the applicable principle.

Every teacher since kindergarten (that teacher wouldn't let Ex in her classroom!) would tell me my son was bright but easily distracted or distracting others.  About halfway through 3rd grade my son suddenly started doing better in class.  It was like suddenly school clicked for him.  Well, then our court assigned us a GAL to assist in my case seeking full custody.  After the very next exchange son started saying he wanted "50% time".  That was a surprise because ever since we separated when he was less than 4 years old he had always told me he wanted more time with me.  I guess she hit him with equal time is fair.  His work started slipping again.  Recently she's been saying he can decide where he wants to be.  Argh!  So, yes, parental pressuring can impact schoolwork.

She hasn't logged into OFW since June?  lol  If that were the case with us then I would send a message stating what we were going to do, and then send a message afterwards summarizing the meeting. If she's not even going to log in to read it, then why not? It shows you at least weren't purposely hiding things. It's her own fault if she's too stubborn to use the program.

Oh wait, by communicate primarily through email do you mean email email or OFW messages?

We very often have meetings with the school and do not include uBPDbm. We are of the position that she can make her own conferences and we can make our own. There is no reason for us all to be there, it would just cause drama. But we do follow up each conference with a brief summary sent to uBPDbm. (she hasn't attend a conference with the school in ~3 years).

We have been in a similar situation with our BPDm recently. As she is ordered no contact for now, we have been working with the teacher to get SD7 some much needed support at school. SD's problems are all behaviour and social functioning.

We meet with the teacher about once a week or so to strategize what behaviours we should tackle with her and see if double teaming SD with the same message at home and school will make it sink in. Now that mom is out of the picture we can make some REAL headway. ( btw SD said "I'm sorry" to both me and teacher without prompting, that's huuugggge, she has never once taken ownership of being wrong before).

Anywho... .at our first meeting teacher said "should I send mom a email about her progress, what we are discussing etc?" We said NO. If BPDm wants to contact teacher she can, if she does then she can tell her what's up. Other than that we are NOT shaking the beehive.

The next time we met, teacher informed us that BPDm had in fact contacted her, but only sent an email request to be told of specific things SD was doing wrong so she could document that SD's behaviour has not improved since no contact, for her court case. Teacher emailed back that in fact SD's behaviour has been better, to which mom responded " well she must be doing SOMETHING wrong, send me those things!"

Teacher now on board 100% with what's up with BPDm, she was disgusted at BPDms lack of REAL concern for SD and school. Thanks BPDm, you always make our case for us.

So no, do not bother, if your BPDm wants to know how SS is doing, let her call, email etc.

You are simply consulting with teacher same as we are to help the child succeed. No good will come from getting her involved, and I can't imagine any judge finding fault with your not telling her about a meeting. Parents do that all the time, it's not like you were getting him evaluated for treatment, or prescriptions.

Rest assured, And have a wonderful Valentines weekend and know that you deserve a special treat for yourself for parenting someone else's child so well, under tough circumstances.  

Email and OFW are two separate things. As a matter of fact, when she became triggered over us telling her about SS11's psych visit she went on a rampage telling everyone who would listen that DH wasn't following in the order because he wasn't telling her when the kid's activities where. Of course, OFW gets updated regularly, and the order says that is where the information is supposed to go. But I guess if she doesn't look then that's the same as not getting told.   

I shouldn't complain too much. We brought the kids up for a visit with her and because of snow we are still here. She and DH managed to change the time we'd be picking them up by an actual negotiated agreement. Something that has never once been possible, even when it's been a situation that would primarily benefit her. The all or nothing thinking is strong with this one.