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Hi guys, I need advice, please help!

So I'm the non BPD in the relationship, and my BPD partner and I have been taking it day by day for quite sometime after the break up. She has been under A LOT of stress latley, and hasn't had much sleep.

Long story short, we were fine until I brought up just being friends because she was acting a bit mean. She was sad, I called her later to apologize and to take it back, and I immediately felt the power shift to her and now she wants to remain just friends and not be intimate again.

This was a mistake on my part, we argued for about an hour after I tried to resolve things. What is my best option to get her back? We've never gone more than 5 days without talking, so how can I get her back to the way it was before?

Hi Saradane,


I don't think you can go back and I don't think you should go back. What you had in the past did not work and also seems not to recover by itself. To move forward you need to imaging what another future would be... .

Power is often about boundaries and right now she is controlling communication. That sucks and is difficult to counter directly. It is worth however to keep in mind that when boundaries come into play there is usually a need behind it, something that requires protection. Her vulnerable self, her new life or whatever.

Validation is a key connecting skill in friendship, romantic relationships or even commercial ones. Healthy romantic communication has an exchange of > 5 validating to invalidating parts.

At this point rebuilding the connection may be the more immediate step. Restarting intimacy then is another kettle of fish coming later.

Hey Saradane, it sounds like the communication between you and your ex broke down right there. It happens sometimes. Sorry you feel like it shifted things between the two of you.  It'll be ok. Give her some time to cool off on her own.

Mentioning the 'just friends' things might have triggered abandonment fears. Generally, it helps to describe how you feel to the other person (and ask them, as well) when there's potential for conflict. When she's stressed out, a little bit of gentleness can go a long way. A loving, trusting relationship cannot be about who has the upper hand. She reacted, and you did too. It's not unlikely that both of you want the same thing here: to be listened to and understood. And of course this is possible, but we have to learn to be honest and kind while still expressing and upholding our values in these types of relationships, and most others.

Can you say anything more specific about the interaction?